Clearly something is wrong with me
I really want to know what I have done in life to deserve the utter loneliness of my existence. In the last 10 years I have had 2 friends that I thought I could count on when I needed them. One quickly just became a friend that came to me when she needed something. Now the other, my only friend, the only person I thought I had to confide in wont speak to me and wont say what I did to elicit this.
I am currently a prisoner in my own home.
I sit all day with my two children, unable to leave for more than just a couple minutes to go and get a coffee and have my 30 second interaction that acts as my entire social contact for the day. I am so depressed that I regularly fantasize about dying but I know that I cant even do that because then there would be no one in the world that would take care of my kids.
My older daughter is disabled and literally no one will help, the organizations, the medical professionals, the schools they all say the same thing over and over and over “You’re such a good mom! But we can’t do anything to help.” I swear at this point I’m going to just start crying the second someone says “you’re” since I know what's coming.
I’ve gotten a million “helpful” lists of things I can do for myself, self care bull shit that seems to think I have the time to eat a meal while it’s still warm or go to the bathroom without having to sprint out because someone starts screaming or something is getting broken.
I should’ve never had kids. I really wish I could go back to 2007 and tell myself to find a different pill to use, one that would actually do the job and erase me from the earth. I’m just a waste of fucking oxygen at this point. Literally just a shell to care for two humans, one that no one else wants and one that is constantly being neglected because of her sisters needs. No child should grow up with a mother like me. Maybe they’d find a better mother if I was just gone.
