Tick, Tick, Boom!

I just don't know what I'm gonna do if it's serious and I need surgery. I was already racking my brain for who to call for a ride for the outpatient oral surgery. If it'something I'd actually need admitted to the hospital for? Not to mention that a hospital in a red area is the last place I wanna be in this era of Covid denialism. How the fuck am I supposed to protect myself? I could bring my own air purifier, but I know how often they switch patient rooms and I'd probably need someone to advocate for me. And I have no one precisely BECAUSE I know no one who is willing to take precautions. And I know the nurses will treat me like shit if they don't flat out send me to the psych ward.

I'm just so fucking tired. I do the best I can to take care of my health, and it's never enough because my body just fucking hates me. I can't make friends because, again, my body fucking hates me and I barely have the energy to socialize, and also nobody is willing to do the bare minimum to make social events safe for me. So now I'm staring down a health crisis with nobody to lean on except maybe a neighbor. And I haven't been there for them during their health issues, so I feel like I wouldn't even deserve it. Though they've had family to take care of them, so I know the situation is different.

And while I was typing all of this, my ob gyn called me back to schedule and they can't get me in for a whole month. "We schedule a year out," they told me. Oh, I am SO SORRY my health emergency didn't give you advanced notice! What do you do with your pregnancies? Schedule the pre-natal exams AFTER the birth? Be so fucking for real. I am so fucking sick of spending half my life navigating this bullshit system!