I'm LonelyTheBear on AO3 if anyone cares to check out my fanfics and a few original works.

I was standing in my bathroom, about to go get my pendulum to ask for advice on a job offer I received when I had an overwhelming sense of déjà rêvé from a dream I must have had over a year ago. I remembered that the dream turned into a nightmare, which makes me hesitant to go try to communicate with any spirits (with the intent of talking to my grandmother) after that. When I had the dream, my grandmother was still alive and we didn't even know she was sick yet. I'm imagining the dream became a nightmare because there is no normal feeling for the first time you communicate with your grandmother after she passes. My subconscious couldn't have known she was going to die before I graduated and got my first teaching job. Is this some kind of warning not to try to talk to her yet (she only passed a little over two months ago) or just a crazy coincidence?

I have been struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions lately. I just turned 22, but I can't do all the things my peers are doing due to my disability. I'm graduating from college in two weeks with my dream degree, but I don't have a job lined up despite applying for many. I finished writing my first book, but my grandmother will never get to read it because she passed away a month before it was done. She'll never get to see me graduate or follow in her footsteps as a teacher or publish my book. She'll never get to hear about the girl that I am dating. I am achieving all these incredible things all at once and my favorite person isn't here to celebrate with me. I think that's the hardest part. My grief for her and my grief for the life I thought I would have before becoming disabled are being compounded into one enormous feeling. The sadness and anger and unfairness of it all is cancelling out everything good and I'm left feeling numb at one in the morning.

sorry for big text but I'm so freakin' excited!!! it's been five years in the making!!!

This might sound a little silly that this is my concern, but I'm currently student teaching and I'm afraid I will cry in front of my students. For context, I've had the last two weeks off for spring break and the first day of this break, my grandmother passed away. The reality of it is only starting to hit me now. She was an English teacher her whole professional life and I'm now following in her footsteps. We would talk a lot about teaching and literature and my writing every time we talked. She was my favorite person. She always said she wanted to see me teach and she never got to. I'm worried that something small is going to remind me of her and I'll just start crying when I'm supposed to be teaching. There's no way to avoid her memory when I'm in an English classroom and I don't know how to handle it. I'd appreciate any advice and please know I'm not posting this for sympathy, just because I want to be able to do right by my students.