GOD.

Remember: I can do what I want.

How to say “I don’t care, stop talking about this and let me change the topic” without people getting butthurt and emotional about it.

Even at my worst, literally hunched over the counter in public and halfway to passing out I get a compliment. Thaaaanks. I know I look nice, thank you, I'm aware.

Holy shit, I cannot stand it. You have such rudimentary thinking it’s infuriating, but don’t try to infect me with your inability to understand simple fucking concepts.

Never, ever, ever believe in anyone else first. Never think they will be there ‘for’ you, to help you, or save you. People behave as if it’s untrue and immoral, but everyone is out to satisfy themself above all. Never believe false claims such as solidarity, or that you are more important than them. It’ll bite you back in the ass and then you’ll be pissy for ages.

I feel a pit in my chest. Like it's a physical hole. It feels disgusting. It hurts, it feels like I am missing my organs. I feel like shit. I feel like shit and I don't care about it. I don't care. I feel a pit in my chest. I feel disgusting. It's so empty it feels like shit. I feel like shit. I might take a nap.

It’s taking everything in me not to badmouth HR, again. Fucks sake. Leave me the hell alone, I already told you to get off my ass in the corporate way, you don’t want to hear me say it any other way. Leave me the fuck alone. I despise illiterate people.

Every throttle gives this exciting rush of adrenaline. Everytime I rev it, it sounds better than the last time. The faster I go, the more alive I feel. The more alive I feel, the more I want to chase it. I could be sick right now thinking about how empty I am, how only things that give me any excitement fills it for a moment. I just need it always. I need more thrill, I meed more attention, I need more adoration, I need more head, I need more noise, I need more late nights speeding, I need more laws to break and I need my heart in my throat from the jittering feeling of how nice it is to feel alive for once. I want to feel alive forever.

I feel so hollow. I really can understand why many others go to such extremes to satiate this feeling. It's disgusting. A nasty, horrid pit in my body that I cannot fill with anything, that only wants to grow larger and make me nauseous. It's so horrible. It feels horrible. I'm so sick. I'm so sick of this. I should die. I should OD again.

Fucking hell, you’re stupid. Genuinely stupid, do you think? Do you have any way of retaining information or is your brain functionally useless? Have mercy, it’s unbelievable. Like I’m talking to some braindead piece of shit lying in a hospital bed.

When I say, “I cannot imagine how you must feel.” I do mean it exactly like that. You can vent to me all you please but I cannot imagine how it must feel. I cannot imagine how it affects you, hurts you, changes you, or sways you. I can’t imagine how it must feel. I can’t and thus I cannot even feel bad for you. I just cannot, and I can’t help it. I can’t even understand those close to me who are hurt by my actions, how it must feel. I don’t know. It’s a mystery to me how it must feel to feel how you feel.

HR has been up my ass about this stupid dress code bullshit. It’s so annoying, leave me the hell alone. How I dress does nothing to you.

I have everything and nothing to say at the same time.