If/when Janus gets his own Crofter's jam, I have received a vision for the video. Thomas does the introduction and Janus is very excited not just about the jam, but specifically to advertise it. He is allowed to make an advert on the condition that Logan supervises.
What follows is a series of takes that are scrapped due to lies or manipulation. Janus starts out being subtle, using clever half-truths, credible-sounding but exaggerated language, scientific jargon, meaningless buzzwords... all real advertising techniques sprinkled in amongst the actual facts. With Logan explaining the dishonesty of his tactics afterward each time, itâs basically an educational video about how marketing can mislead you. But after the first few takes, Janus finds that messing with Logan is more fun than getting away with it and becomes increasingly blatant.
Janus: Scientists agree that this is the best jam in the world.
Logan: Cut. No, they donât. Furthermore, they couldnât, because we donât have an empirical scale to reliably measure the overall quality of all types of jam. It is a subjective matter of literal and figurative taste.
Janus: Can you let me finish one take?
Logan: (giving him a handbook) I will when you follow the ethical rules and guidelines I gave you. Review them and go again.
Janus: This jam contains no allergens and no uranium. Thatâs right, no uranium! Absolutely no toxic radioactive material has been anywhere near this flavour of Crofterâs, because we care about your safety.
Logan: Cut. You shouldnât say that.
Janus: Why not? Itâs true.
Logan: Itâs not relevant. The absence of harmful radiation is a standard of health and safety that consumers should be able to take for granted.
Janus: Iâm sorry, is there uranium in this?
Logan: By making an unnecessary disclaimer for your product in particular, you imply that other, rival products may contain that hazard.
Janus: I didnât say that. When did I say that?
Logan: I said âimplyâ. Go again.
Janus: (to sad, sentimental music) Hello. If youâre in the target audience for this video, you have money to spare that you can spend on all kinds of little things you donât really need. Things that really just serve to make you happy. But if you buy this jam, youâll be making Thomas happy. Not only will you support him financially, youâll validate the passion he put into this collaboration, and how much he cares about Sanders Sides. And if you deprive him of that, does that make you a bad person? Yes. Yes, it does. You selfish asshole.
Logan: Cut. No emotional manipulation.
Janus: Come on! We have an advantage over characters made for advertising, people are already invested in us!
Logan: It's unfair to the viewers, and wasting my time is unfair to me. Take it from the top.
Janus: (after a promising start) And as a gift to you wonderful fans, the hundredth customer will receive a special prize to celebrate their purchase. What is it? I canât say. But the more jars you buy, the more likely it is that you will be the lucky winner of -
Logan: Cut! Thereâs no prize.
Janus: Logan wants to keep it a surprise, but -
Logan: No, there is not a prize. Youâll get what you pay for, no more and no less.
Janus: Unless you use the link in the description! Just enter your credit card details into our website and -
Logan: No! Janus, do not defraud our viewers! Go again and donât make false promises.
Janus: Donât make⌠have you ever seen an advert?
Janus: (purely for the love of the game) Think you have more important things to buy? Think again. Because this jam can cure cancer. (looks offscreen) Is that a megaphone?
[The camera shakes as Janus frantically ducks. Cut to a technical difficulties screen.]
We return to Thomas's living room, where Janus and Logan are arguing furiously with Thomas looking between them, amused and/or concerned.
Logan: If you won't take this seriously -
Janus: I'm Deceit! Marketing is my life's calling and you're ruining it for me! âAdvertising is legalised lyingâ - HG Wells. Iâm the only one of us whoâs done it right!
Logan: This is Crofter's! It deserves the utmost respect, accuracy and integrity.
Janus: And I deserve not to be humiliated on the internet for doing what I do best!
Thomas: Janus... do you like your jam?
Thomas: You think it's good?
Janus: (sincerely) Yes! It's delicious. It's nutritious. It's got a picture of me on it. This is the best thing Crofter's has ever made.
Thomas: So you don't need to lie to make it sound better than it is. If you're selling gold, you can just say it's gold. If you feel the need to embellish it, that just makes me wonder what the catch is.
Janus: (blinks and smiles in pride) That... does make sense. But everyone else did something special for their commercials. Logan did a whole flipping musical.
Logan: (reverently cradling a jar of his variety) A whole lid-flipping musical.
Janus: I mean, what do you want me to say? (in a sarcastic tone) That I really appreciate getting my own jam, because it reflects both how I've been accepted into the core cast and how popular am I with the fans? That it actually means a lot to me? And I can't believe how lucky we are that a silly joke that was never meant to create a partnership has led to so much success for Thomas, and I'd be grateful if people would contribute to that?
Thomas: ...Logan, did we get all that?
Janus: Wait, what? Dammit!
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