you cannot contain me

“It’s not – I didn’t mean –” he tried to retract what he said but it was too late. And he would be lying if he didn’t think about what would have happened if she hadn’t been there. Perhaps he would have not got distracted, escaped like Alina had, or perhaps he would be dead – both of which were, in his eyes, better outcomes that the cards he had been dealt. His gaze went up to meet hers at her words, that she would be there forever, searching her eyes as he tried to figure out if she really meant that, if she really wanted him. She always kept pushing him away when things got real, he didn’t know if he should let her words make him hope again. “Sun, I–” he began, taking a step closer to her before her magic swirled into his mind and he blanked out. He looked at her in a daze for a long moment before he spoke again with a tone of uncertainty. “I am  – I – sorry, what was I saying?”

“You did, but that’s okay.” Sun shook her head, her eyebrows pinched together as she spoke. She couldn’t blame him for being angry that she had distracted him--hell, she was angry every day that she had been born with this terrible influence over others. Sure, people thought she was beautiful--and how could anyone be upset with that--but it was only ever surface value and it was only ever because of her charm. People didn’t look at her and see her, they looked at her and saw Veela. “I distracted you and you have every right to be angry at me for it, Blaise. I’m not going to hold that against you.” As he stepped closer, she kept her eyes on him, waiting and holding her breath for his response to her words. But then his eyes glazed over and he’d lost his train of thought. All the breath she was holding was knocked out of her and it took all her willpower not to collapse from the hurt. Sun reached up, gently setting her hand on his cheek while she pushed her tears down. “I’m not pushing you away,” she said softly, knowing that her charm was at an all time high when she was emotional. Now wasn’t the time talk. “But I can see I’m not helping right now, I’m only hurting you.” Sun let her thumb brush along his cheek before she pulled away and turned to start her trek back up to the castle.

“Says who?” He retorted with a grin. As the other wrapped her arms around him, Emrys hugged her back. “Yeah, it’s good to see you too. It’s good to see anyone that isn’t my family, however, so, you’re not that special I’m afraid,” He teased before pulling away. “God no it’s not strong enough, please can we spike the punch? Winnie’s watching me like a freaking hawk. Not that I blame her considering what happened last time we had an event, but I don’t particularly want to deal with that right now.”

“Says every single rule put into place about it!” Sun laughed, pulling her flask out of her dress and glancing around before tipping it into the punch and tucking it away again. “Ouch, Emrys, and here I thought I was the most special one in your eyes,” she teased, knowing full well his family would be first--not like she could blame him. “You’d think now was the time they’d let you drink if you wanted to, you know?” She winked. “I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry.”

sun jung kai - siry wedding

|| @sunlightxseeker​

“Well if it isn’t my favourite Gryffindor, aside from myself, that is,” Emrys teased as he made his way over to Sun, a grin stretched across his lips. He was somewhat glad to be back at school, and the festivities were a welcoming distraction. That being said, he was being careful to make sure he didn’t spot his siblings – he was sure if they saw the drink in his hands they’d have a few choice words. “How are you doing?”

“You can’t be your own favorite,” she said with a smirk as soon as she saw her friend, basically back from the dead. Sun took the last few steps toward him and wrapped her arms around him. “Bloody hell, I’m glad to see you.” Pulling away a bit, she glanced down at his drink. “That strong enough for you, or do we need to spike the punch even more for old time’s sake?”

“You didn’t have to.” he said pointedly. “Control it?” he finished the sentence for her, shaking his head a little. “Weren’t you though? Because I blanked out because of you that night. Maybe I’d have gotten lucky too if..” He didn’t finish the sentence instead frustratedly running his fingers through his hair. He didn’t want to blame her, he had never wanted to blame her because none of it had been her fault – but being slapped in the face with the fact that it was not just his life that had been put in jeopardy that night was fucking up his mind. There were plenty of full moons left in his life and far too many people he could possibly end up hurting like he had done with Alina, or worse. “I can’t be asking for your help every month though, can I? This is forever for me, and you are – well, I don’t know how long you want to stick around.” 

She bit her lip as he finished her sentence for her--she should’ve known that he’d be able to know what she was going to say before she said it. They’d been friends for far too long not to know each other. Sun knew she’s what distracted him that night and part of her often wondered if he wouldn’t have been turned if she hadn’t been there, but a larger part of her? A larger part of her wondered if he’d be dead if she hadn’t been there. After a moment, she got up and started pacing, a hand brushing her hair away from her face. “I-I know it’s my fault Blaise, and I’m sorry.” Sun shook her head and turned away, trying to reel in her emotions. I don’t know how long you want to stick around. She turned quickly, not able to stop the words from falling from her lips. “This is forever, you’ve got me forever!” Her breath hitched when she realized the weight of her words, but she didn’t want to take them back. “No matter what, Blaise,” she said, her eyes blurring for a second before she blinked away her tears. “You’ve got me forever.”

“Yeah. I know. I know you know me, okay? Clearly, I am the one who doesn’t know you.” he snapped at her before sighing deeply. “What is there to talk, Sun? Seriously?” he said but words began to tumble through his lips before he could stop himself. “I attacked a girl. She got lucky this time, but it’s only a matter of time before I do something worse. She was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Like we were. And one day I am going to kill one of the people who turn up like that. Or turn them, which is fucking worse, Sun. Not everyone is going to get lucky like her. Like you.” 

“I never said that,” she said, her eyes closing as she looked down, not wanting to dredge up the argument that had them in this tense dynamic already. “I just can’t--” Control it. That’s what she wanted to say, but she cut herself off, knowing the wording sounded bad given his predicament. Sun looked up when he finally began talking, careful not to say anything until he was done. “I wasn’t at the wrong place or the wrong time, Blaise. I was lucky, yes, but I was supposed to be there with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you this time...”

Beau couldn’t stop smiling, Sun had never said anything like that to him before. “Thank you.” He said genuinely, watching her turn so she could face him while she talked. “I don’t know, I just assumed– nevermind, I’m not gonna try and convince you out of it. Thank you.”

“You can assume all you want, love,” she said as she turned to walk facing forward again. “But you care about this team almost as much as I do--maybe more if I thought that was possible. And if you ever repeat that, I’ll deny it. Can’t have anyone questioning my skills as captain just yet.”

“But it is true, Sun!” he said, his voicing immediately rising. ”I can try to convince myself I am not, you can try to convince me I am not but it’s just the truth. This is who I am now and I have to learn to live with it.” And he completed hated it. He had always hated himself, he had never been good enough, and now it was so much worse. “Well, nothing happened, so you can be on your way. No need to make yourself uncomfortable staying around me with all our issues.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it, Blaise.” Her voice wasn’t angry or frustrated, but a defeated tone saturated the words. “You’re forgetting that I spend most summers with you, that I know you.” Looking up at him, her eyebrow pinched together. “And I know when something is bothering you. So stop bottling things up and talk to me! What happened?”

Rose let out a heavy sigh at the other’s words. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I always thought love was for me but after oh so many failed relationships I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me.”

She groaned, her head falling back against the wall she was leaning on. “Failed relationships, failed flings, failed friendships,” Sun grumbled. “It makes me want to just leave for a week or two and go drink on a beach somewhere.”

“Oh, gotcha.” Beau said casually, before starting to follow her in the direction of the pitch. He laughed at what she said at first, nodding a little bit. To be fair, it was his major - so even when he was studying, it usually had something to do with Quidditch… but when she mentioned him being captain, the redhead perked up slightly, quickly turning his head to look at her again. “Wait, Captain? Really?” He asked, clearly excited. He’d always assumed it would go to one of the older players when Sun graduated.

She smiled as her words finally hit him, hitting him on the arm as they stepped outside. “Really, Montgomery.” Sun laughed, turning and walking backwards so they could talk. “You’re one of the best players we’ve got, and I know you’ll take care of the team’s legacy after I graduate. Who better?”

Beau looked over his shoulder as he heard his name and he smiled, seeing Sun down the hall. “Hey,” he paused, as he listened to what she was suggesting, “oh, yeah, for sure. I was going to study, but I can do that later.” Frankly, he would much rather work on some drills on the pitch than study anyway. “Is the pitch free? I thought Ravenclaw usually practiced now.”

“They usually do, but I traded Edgar for a few hours.” She shrugged, patting him on the shoulder again before she started making her way to the pitch. “Quidditch is far more important than studying, of course. And it might not be my major, but I want to help get ready when your time as captain comes.”

“You saying that is not going to change that I am.” Blaise wanted to believe what she said, and he had told himself the same thing over and over but now was proof that he was indeed what he feared he was – a deranged monster who couldn’t be controlled. And if Alina hadn’t used magic to protect herself, he would have turned her. Or killed her – he didn’t know which was worse. “What do you want me to do, Sun? I am not pushing down anything. I am just – finally accepting what I really am.” His eyes focused on the scar on her face before he took a deep breath and turned away. “You shouldn’t even be near me.” 

“And you saying are one doesn’t make it true.” Sun watched him, noting how his eyes dropped to her scar before looking away. She liked her scar, happy that it made her appear less perfect to others, though she knew it was likely just a reminder to Blaise. Sighing and looking down at her lap, she shook her head. “I’m not going anywhere. I know we have our issues, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon you when something happens.”

He feigned an offend look when she spoke. “Hey now. I wasn’t entirely terrible at least.” Certainly better than he’d been in the practices they had following Valentine’s. “But I guess I was a little distracted. And I guess it kind of just… happened. Just didn’t want to tell anyone right away.”

“Entirely terrible isn’t actually a good excuse,” she said with a laugh. “But I’m in a good mood, so I won’t droll you too hard right now.” Sun glanced back through the crowd to Remus, raising an eyebrow before look at Sturgis. “I don’t blame you, but I was expecting more of a ‘our eyes met and we just knew’ kind of story.”

Elon chuckled. “They aren’t the most dangerous,” he corrected her. It was’t the first time they had this type of discussion. He watched her as she sat down on the bed, Sun being a good distraction to focus on while the nurse cleaned the wound. “I think I might have lost count,” he joked. “I’ve been better though.” He remembered when he first started his major, how much easier it was to get injured. Lately, his occurances here due to the dragons did not happen as much.

“I may think scars look cool,” she said with a smirk, her finger tracing the scar that lead from her eye to about half way down her cheek, “but I’m not exactly advocating for you to go out there and get some more.” Sun chuckled, her gaze falling on the wound for a moment before looking back up at him. “Wicked cut...Which dragon was it this time?”

When he looked up to see Sun walking towards him, he stiffened a little. He was not sure how to be around her yet. There was far too much awkwardness between them, not to mention it was not easy to put aside how she had broken his heart all over again. He was not keeping well, and usually he would have gone to her but this time he was brooding alone. He had Elon, but it wasn’t the same, he didn’t know everything she did. “I don’t know what’s to talk. Monsters hurt people.” he said bluntly and shrugged his shoulders, going back to polishing his broom more vigorously. “She didn’t die, she didn’t turn. I guess I just have to consider myself lucky this time.”

She was sure he’d snap at her, tell her to leave him alone, but he didn’t. She watched him tense and speak bluntly, but he didn’t push her away, so she crossed her legs and started drawing patterns in the grass next to her. “You’re not a monster,” Sun said after a while, her voice soft. “You never were and you never will be.” Lifting her head, she looked at Blaise, her head tilted slightly forward. “You’re allowed to be upset. And angry, and relieved, and everything all rolled into one, but you can’t bottle it up forever, Blaise. Pushing down your feelings does nothing but make them worse over time.”

It had been a rough couple weeks after the Valentine’s dance and she had no one to blame but herself. She had slipped into a downward spiral of drinking her feelings, waking up in time for classes an doing it again the next weekend. It was mid-week now, Sun more sleep deprived than anything, when she spotted Adira at the Ravenclaw table in the Great Hall and immediately joined her. She sat down with a huff and started gathering food on her plate. “Are you gonna lecture me if I suggest us skipping class for a few hours down by the lake? The weather’s been so nice recently.”

“Hey, Montgomery!” Sun jogged to catch up with him, a smile on her face as she clapped him on the shoulder. “I’ve been meaning to catch up with you, talk with you a bit about Quidditch an our next match, so if you’ve got some time to kill, how do you feel about joining me down at the pitch? going through a few drills and catching up?”