My weightloss journey

Look who I’ve found! :D

So about what I do, what I eat, what about my ED? I will tell you now.

How many calories and how often do I eat?

I aim 400-600 kcal for a meal. I eat three times a day and aim for 1500 kcal a day.

Which makros?

I have 100kcal legumes, 100 kcal veggies and 4 rice cracker for each meal. Breakfast and dinner I have a tablespoon of jam to my ricecracker and to my dinner I add 1teaspoon of oil. Depending on my hunger I eat more or less of the named ingredients. I approximatly have 20-40g protein a day and I think I have enough omega 3 acids due to the flax seed oil. And honestly- I feel so much better and satisfied after my melas! I personally need the fat and protein. Carbs are great- but for the everyday life it doesn’t satisfy my enough to run on only carbs.

What do I eat?

For legumes I have mostly peos, kidneybeans or green beans. I cook once a week a huge amount of peas and some cabbage and then put it in some jars so that for breakfast and dinner I have a legume-jar and a cabbage-jar and some raw veggies (mostly paprika, tomato or carrot). For dinner I have a veggi-mix with lentils or kidneybeans.

Excersizing?

I have 3 times a week dance classes... it sums up to 5 hours a week. I don’t go jogging any more, I switched to inliner skating, which I do as often as I can. Mostly 3-4 times a week, sums up to 4,5-6 hours. My daily calory need without anything is 1500 so I try to lose weight only by doing sports. I feel better this way and It keeps me motivated and I don’t starve myself.

Tricks?

Yes I do have one trick though... I drink coffee again. I add 1 teaspoon of stevia and have it with my breakfast and dinner. It decreases my appettit and keeps my energy level high.I don’t know it that is too healthy but I think as long as I dont drink TOO much coffee, it should be alright :)

Cheatday and fruits?

I do have a cheatday. After 4 “good” days I allow myself a day when I don’t count calories at all and I allow myself to fruit and cereals. But hat is the point where I still struggle, because I alwys overeat on healthy food. I don’t binge anymore-luckily. I made a rule, that I don’t eat elsewehere than the kitchen so neither computer nor anything else distract me from the food I eat. Also, I don’t feel guilty and bad after overeating- to an extend. Because I still eat too much and I always misjudge the amound of food I can handle. Because it is way less than a few months ago. So on the next day I sometimes still feel sick and this always ruins the weight loss.

Although, I don’t gain weight, that is a good thing. Still, I have to learn to coop with the cheatday. Because I need one to stay motivated during the other 4 days before. On which I feel awesome and energetic and so on! But still... without it the structure is gone. So maybe I try to have only certain food that I crave for? I don’t know yet, I will tell you what I will do later on :)

Friends?

So sometimes you have to eat with your friends or you go out. Since I am not afraid of fat anymore I also am not afriad to eat food, my friends prepared for me. Nor matter what, as long as it is vegan I have no problem with it. I try to estimate the amound of calories and replace the dinner I would have at home with the dinner with my friends, so that I still have only 3 meals a day. If I cannot tell how many calories it has, I have a very small portion, but I really try to stay within 400-600 kcal.

If you are vegan- you know the high-carb-low-fat-hype.

And if you know that, you probably know raw-till-4, 80-10-10 and so on.

Don’t get me wrong, I am definitly pro-carb. But only to an extend.

Because after I stopped taking the pill over TWO YEARS AGO my period stopped. I thought it was due to that. Sometimes it suddenly came back for 1-2 months, than vanished again for 4-6 months.

Only lately I realized that it has been due to ... my fat intake.

Girls- If you are on HCLF and like me you didn`t take ANY fat (no oil, no nuts, no seeds, no avocados like our lovely freelee recommends -.- ) and you HAVE NO PERIOD - it is NOT a good sign!!!

And I ignored it for the sake of the holy grail of nutritional recommendation. I even watched her video where she talkes about that subject that your body cleanses itself or some of that bullshit.

I myself did believe in what she said. But come on... don’t do the same mistakes like I did. Of course she wants to support her way of living/eating, because it works for her and somehow not only earns she money with that, her whole IMAGE consists of “carb the fuck up” and “smash in the calories” and “go fruit or root yourself” or in her last few videos “where is the sugar?” “you don*t need the protein!”.

She is no doctor. Nor is she a nutritionist. She only tells what she experienced. But every body is different. It might work for you- if it does... great! But if it doesn’t... don’t ignore your bodys signals and don’t ever think that you do something wrong... that you are to blame that you don’t lose weight or that you are still hungry or that your period has gone because of other reasons.

I realized: I do need more protein. And I need some fat. Dont get me wrong, I am not talking about 10 cups of oil a day!

I realized that eating carbs- of course, at some point I am not hungry anymore. But the portions in the evening have been ridiculously large. ANd I always stopped because i told myself: now is enough. It has been okay, but if I wanted I could have fitted more into my stomach. I didn’t need more even though I kind of wanted more.

And fruit?! Fruit makes me freaking hungry! It increases my appetit.

I started eating more legumes. I realized that I am satisfied  faster. after 300-400 calories for breakfast/lunch  I don’t even WNAT more. I stop eating because I don’t feel like eating more food anymore.

I am talking about: If someone placed more yummy food in front of me I would reject it because I am compleatly satisfied- without being stuffed! I could even wear a crop shirt after breakfast/lunch, because I only need small portions to be completely satisfied!!!

How much protein do I eat? I have 100g legumes (peas, kidney bean, green beans...) with some veggies(paprika, cooked veggies...) and some 4-6 rice crackers. =400-600kcal

In the evening I have cooked veggies(100kcal), legumes(100kcal= and again rice/ricecracker(100kcal) as a side dish... BUT I add 1 teaspoon of flax seed oil (omega 3 acid) (100kcal)

You wouldn’t believe how much more satisfying the same amount of kalories/volume of food can be with only one freaking spoon of fat.

And this is not like a big large can of fat, it is ONE TEASPOON.

After 1 month of 1teaspoon oil added to my dinner- I got my period back.

I feel more satisfied, Healthier. Happier. I am not ashamed that I have to eat that large portions and I am able to eat with friends because 1. I only need smaller portions and 2. I don’t have the damn fear of oil whenever a friend cooks for me. Because normal people cook with oil or fat and to ask for vegan stuff is one thing but to ask for vegan oil free food... damn how picky do we want to be? Where do we cross the border? To avoid oil THAT much that we become even AFRAID of little amounds of fat, because freelee said that it will instantanly make us fat, is not the right way- if you ask me that is.

So... what is my problem then? Do I still struggle with my weight?

Well, I don’t gain any weight. That is a great step forwards! And I don’t feel so self concious about food any more.

But I still have the problem with my cheat day. After 4 nice days I allow myself a cheatday. That keeps me motivated for the 4 other days (on these days I eat 1500kcal... I burn 1500kcal a day when I am not active. I try to lose excess weight by doing sports, more to that in the next post).

But on the cheat day I overeat... nearly always-.-

I don’t binge! It is all well controlled and I don’t allow myself to eat in front of the computer or somewhere where I am distructed from what I eat. I only eat in the kitchen and nowhere else... so that is great :)

Still, I overeat a lot, because on the cheatday I don’t count calories and I allow myself to healthy foods in portions I like.

I think it still is a habit from my ED... So that is something I need to change. I don’t know how yet, but somehow I will.

Elsewise I will tell you exactly, what and why I eat right now, how much, how often, which makros (carbs, protein, fat), how I feel with it, how many calories, what I avoid, how I want to lose the last 5 kilos and what exercise I am doing.

But all that stuff I will tell you tomorrow, because now I go sleeping! See you next time!

Finally, my wrist, that has been broken, is nearly healed. And finally, I am back to post, what has happened and to continue my journey.

Even if this is not really the subject here, I really need to talk about trust, friendship and doctors with you.

Because here on tumblr I think there are lovely kind people  among my followers that need to be warned, because I kind of feel like some of you are something like my friends. And you would always give your friends some piece of advice, wouldn’t you?

So... let me bitch a bit about that bitch.

I think it has been october, when my boyfriend and I went with that girl (let’s call her slendergirl) to the theatre. She has been one of his best friends, but even though he had many female friends (and he was befriended with his ex) I didn’t mind any of that girls. I even liked them a lot! Except for her. She has been... strange. She pushed other people down, talked down things others and I liked, everything seemed “boring” and “lame” and “uncool” to her. She was the “I go partying all week” and the “oh, let’s get some alcohol to make the evening more interesting” kind of girl... Which I really really disliked. The worst has been the way, she acted when my boyfriend was around. She flirted with him all the time, touched him, undressed in front of him because she “didnt mind” when other people saw her underwear... Of course my boyfriend didn’t notice any of it because... boys, right?...

Well... you get the point. Not only didn’t I like her personality, I also have been jealous. And I had the feeling that she also didnt really like me. To point out all the signs for that assumption would take too long but believe me, there has been quite some.

But, because she was his friend, I really tried to like her. I chatted with her, I called her once in a while and whenever we met, I did my best to be happy and to be in a good mood.

So in the theatre, she wanted to play the gave of trust, where she stands behind me and I have to let myself fall, so that she holds me and I dont fall on the ground.

Well, she stood behind me, told me to fall. I closed my eyes, let myself fall... And hit the ground.

Well, she claims that she only wanted to put her purse down and that she didnt realize that I already decided to fall... I dont believe her.

Of course Ive fallen on my wrist so it has been broken. She cried and wanted my boyfriend to comfort her... Luckily he finally realized that something has been wrong with slendergirl so he took me to the hospital.

So- I really don’t want to make you untrustful BUT

LISTEN. TO. YOUR. INTUITION.

If you have a bad feeling, it probably is there for a reason. Don’t make the same mistake like me and push yourself to make things you don’t want to because you want to do your boyfriend (or anyone else) a favor.

And broken wrists...

MY doctor didn’t even see that my wrist has been broken because I didn’t seem to be “that much in pain”. So for 3-4 weeks I had my wrist in a splint- but only because I insisted on that!

A broken bone feels like that: at first your hand/foot feels numb. As if you have sleep limbs like when you sit on your ankles for too long. But the numbness doesn’t go away. And it is not that you cannot move it at all. It is just that you feel like your muscles are sore all of a sudden and that is the reason you have no power in that limb.

And if your doctor says you need surgery...

It is january. So nearly 4 months have passed. My wrist is still not healed completely, but I don’t feel any pain in my everyday life. I can play piano and do most of the sports I like (skating, dancing...)

I can do curls with my wrist, only things like push ups or handstand ... so things where I stress my wrist,,, still hurt so I cannot do that.

What I want to say- try to stress your broken limb as much as it feels comfortable but not that you feel pain. Have patiance, because the bone needs 6 weeks to heal, but the fiber around it needs much more time. Don’t let yourself push to do surgery! Doctors get more money for that than for giving you physiotherapy. Trust in your body- it will be alright! :)

Except when your bones are completely damaged and start to accrete to each other the wrong way. Do an MRI to make sure the bones lay down correctly.

Anyways- I finally can do sports and have no mental weight to carry so I can focus on my weight loss again :)

Sadly it is 53.5 again after the winter season, the wrist and so on...

Short Update

right hand is broken. cant use it for 2 weeks.

cant do jogging, try doing some yoga and strengh training for legs and core.

eating is great: sunday 1200, monday 2100, today 1200

i am using an app that counts my calories and gives me information when i will reach my goal weight if i keep eating a certain amount of calories.

this (and only eating in the kitchen instead of in my room in front of the pc)is really helping me controlling my portions. because even if i eat too much i am forced to at least guess the amount of calories to type it in. otherwise the app gives me false information.

so i stop eating earlier than if there was no app.

I am really lazy when it comes to meal preparing. So when I have no joghurt at home and only a little cereals I tend to just eat whatever portion I feel like.

Today after yesterday I have been really really lazy and I had some fruits and oat meal and 3 slices of bread.

I am not soo sure about the calories, but I guess for breakfast I had 1000 and for lunch 500

I am aiming for 1200 kcal a day- so if I do some training (go jogging and some yoga for example) I should still be able to maintain that number.

I tell you in the evening if I succeeded :) 

SIDE NOTE

I have no problems with cooking in the evening and I still try to NOT EAT anywhere else then the kitchen, so I am likely to eat my 400 kcal for dinner. But breakfast and lunch is alway kind of hard forme .

Because on some days I don’t feel like eating and on others I have no idea what to eat for breakfast/lunch and am too lazy and hungry to cook properly.

So I think about some meal- preparations for like... 3 days ahead for breakfast and dinner so that I don’t have to think about it and whenever I don’t eat it I can still give it to my boyfriend or a parent.

450 kcal,

...because I have been to a dance show and the whole day on the run- it has been amazing *-*

I am slowly getting back on track.

Wow, I have like.. no idea why it takes so long and why it is so hard this time...

So the “only eat in the kitchen”-thing actually works really well! Only today I had a small bowl of my oatmeals after dinner in my room... which hasn’t been good to be honest-.- but I felt bad and it has been only one small portion so no major fall back.

I started jogging again and university started. I have my schedual and everything. So...

...so hopefully tomorrow the final round will begin. Now, I have an app in which I can type in how many calories I eat in a day. It is motivating since it tells you in how many weeks you get to your goal weight if you eat a certain amount of calories.

So since now. Right NOW . I will go on doing this until the 48 kg. It annoys me by now that I somehow can’t get there and I am afraid that I will fall back again.

So as it is:

for dinner: my bowl.(400-500 kcal) for breakfast/lunch: fruits, veggies or oatmeal, rice etc. (300-400kcal)

-> aim:1200 kcal a day. -> plus excersizes 4x jogging per week, 3-5 times strengh training /yoga, 1-2 times dancing.

doing this the app tells me that I could reach the weight in 11 weeks.

11 weeks. And I will tell you every day if I did what I planed. So I keep my promise I make for myself. Because it really affects my self-confidence and how I act in front of others. I don’t wanna hide, I wanna show my true self.

Fleeing... the thought of isolation, hiding and breakting that habit.

-Update-

I am used to having my meals with my mother. Now my father moved in back after a year. Our relationship has been... well... not so good. So I really really had problems with having my meal while him sitting next to me.

The problem is- he kind of tries to have conversations with me so whenever I leave my room he suddenly appears.

Thus- when I try to eat and my mother is not home, he always is there -.-

Lately my relationship has grown better though and I force myself to getting used to him, to even like him, because it makes things easier. Of course I know that he will hurt my feelings with something sooner or later but for now I really need to get used to him and his presence.

So... even though I still feel like a rabbit in front of a snake, I try to stand it and have my meals in the kitchen.

To get rid of my emotional eating and to getback on track I HAVE to stop that habit of eating in front of the computer. Even now after two days I realize that I naturally eat smaller portions and eat less, even though I feel like I eat much.

It makes such a huge difference, honestly...

AND when I force myself to eat in the kitchen, I am also forced to coop with my feelings differently than with food- I talk with my parents. Or when I feel really bad and sick I want to isolate myself to... i don’t know, be alone for a while... I won’t be able to eat food because then I only can be alone when I am in my room- so somewhere where no food is. Then I can cry, or play piano, or violin or draw or listen to music or call a friend or sleep....

The point is, that I think this is a really great way to go further towards my goal of

1. reaching my goal weight 48kg (well... first off, getting back on track!) 2. not stuffing myself in the evening 3. after getting rid of binging, now getting rid of ALL of my ED (emotional eating)

Final words:

Binging and emotional eating are really close to each other. I told you that I fought binging with different strategies (some post earlier). One of those things has been some life changes and forcing myself to binge on only a small variety of foods and AVOIDING FRUITS during or after the meal/binge BECAUSE THEY have enzymes that make you crave for more food/ destroy the feeling of satisfaction! So if you eat fruits- do it as a monomeal or do it BEFORE your actual meal. The small variety of foods (in my case: oatmeal, raisins, corncracker) makes you feel full faster and you get kind of “bored” by the taste. If you switch between too many tastes (salty, sweet, sour...) at least I personally eat more, because I cannot decide with which taste I want to finish the meal/binge.

That helped me and somehow the thing with the fruits also helped a lot and some other things so that after almost five years I stopped binging :) It has been a long and slow process but I am really really happy and glad :)

So now if you also have issues with emotional eating ...

(emotional eating is not equal with binging, but it is still that kind of eating more than you would need to. You are also still numbing your emotions with food, comforting your feelings with food but it happens without that excessive, brutal part, without getting in a trance and being out of control, being in a kind of panik of both stuffing literally everything messily into your mouth no matter if you really WANT to eat it or not, no matter if you actually LIKE it or not. binging is when you rush through the process, when you stuff yourself really fast to the point of a hurting stomach. And by a huring stomach I mean such pain that you have no other choice then stop eating. Then you have a feeling of “waking up” and realizing what you have done. Emotional eating is more slowly, with more control. you are still somehow selfharming, because the fullness/tight tummy is a stronger feeling than your emotions, but you are in control of what you do, you don’t rush through it. You eat more that you need to but during the process you both enjoy it and don’t ... if you know what I mean... )

...maybe it also could make things easier when you force yourself to eat in “public” so that means in the kitchen, with friends etc. because then you tend to notice your meal more and you are forced to coop with your feelings differently, because (again, at least i) feel ashamed to eat a huge amount of food in front of others.

I keep you updated how it will work during the next days/weeks! :-* And soon (maybe sunday? maybe next sunday...?) I will weight myself again and tell you about that, too.

So, my next goal after getting over binge eating ist getting rid of emotional eating, which I hope to get rid of by not eating in front of the computer.

Because I think that if I really concentrate on my meal I won’t eat as much and I will stop earlier. Moreover, when I only eat in the kitchen, always at least one parent of mine is there so I would be embarrest to stuff myself that much.

That’s what my boyfriend told me yesterday.

And wow, I almost cried, it really like... hit me. I know, 2-3 weeks ago I was 50.2 and I ate really much but... how much could I gained since then? I am confused...

Though I know I have to get back on track again, that one is for sure. I need  to step on the scale... I will

Lately I always have a good day and then after it a bad day. on the good days I consume 1000-1200 kcal and do sports. On bad days I still exercise but eat too much.

So for all of you who didn’t saw the last post I made:

I felt really terrible and sad and aweful. I have been hungry all day long and stuffed food into me (no binging though *still happy*), I couldn`t stop myself from eating nuts and seeds (so the stuff that is really high in calories -.- )

And I thought it might be due to the dark season and the lack of serotonin.

I checked out how I could improve it and it appeared that you can do it by - more sleep - more cardio - more food that contains a certain amino acid (it is found in nuts, seeds, legumes, grains, brokkolie and spinich) - a certain way of consumption (eating on an empty stomach)

So I have been jogging monday and tuesday, I slept three days in a row 11 hours, then 9 hours and today 9,5 hours. The results? I feel soooo much better! I am in a better mood and I am not hungry all the time... although in the evening it gets worse when it gets dark again.

But I also realized that I have been emotional eating...

My boyfriend asked me, if we could play together on a little concert in a church. I happily agreed. At the same time I signed for a trip with my dance crew. And on Friday I suddenly realized that both things are on the same day, so I had to tell my boyfriend, that I cannot come. And I felt so damn sorry, because he said it’s okay, but the flyers are already printed and if I could find someone who could replae me... So I asked my father, I thought about asking my piano teacher and a friend of my mothers... SO. MUCH. STRESS. and I felt so guilty that I dissappointed my boyfriend...

But yesterday he told me that the flyers HAD NOT been printed that he could tell his conductor that I cannot be there... There was no problem whatsoever and he even said: “no problem, next time you can play for sure!”

SUCH. A. RELIEF. I almost cried, because the huge weight fell off my shoulders. I really didn’t see how much it pushed me down...

And suddenly the problems with the eating were gone, either.

Final verdict:

- Emotional eating is a bitch. And after my problems are gone, this problem is gone too (for now at leat) - sleeping is soooo important!!! I am less hungry, more focused, happier. - Eating only once a day is not a good thing for me. I realized that I tend to eat too much in the evening. So I switch to eating around 3 o’clock and again in the evening so I can eat smaller portions.

- New thing: I force myself to ONLY EAT IN THE KITCHEN. I started to eat in my room in front of the computer again... this is a really really terrible habit and I eat so much without realizing it... So: No food in my room again. I am dedicated to lose the last few kilos. And I want to reach at least the BMI 19 (under 50 kilos) until my birthday on December, 9th.

Summer turns into fall

And like every year I am struggeling with cravings and hunger.

I feel really really bad. Well, I feel like shit. I am uncomfortable with how I look, with how I feel. Two weeks ago I was at 50.2, but I feel like I have gained weight.

I see it in the mirror and I see how my clothes start getting tight again.

So I started wondering: Where does it come from? Why am I hungry to the point that I cannot stop eating although until now my body did not have any issues with my current weight and eating pattern? And why am I so moddy despite eating that much?! Usually after eating much I feel guilty but I don’t feel moody! And why do I have cravings for nuts, seeds, tahin all of a sudden?! why those fatty foods after being so happy on the HCLF style of eating?! The strange thing is- this happens every year around this time and holds on the whole fall-winter season. With really really shocking amounts of especially peanut and almond-butter addiction... and soy-yoghurt...

So I did my investigations on google.

And it appears, that it is all due to - serotonin.

Serotonin is an happy-hormone in our body. It makes us feel energetic, active, happy and comfortable. So what happens after the summer? The days get shorter. The period of darkness gets longer so our body produces more melanin. Melanin makes us tired, it is nessessary for sleeping. But Melanin is a counterpart to serotonin. So say, if we were in the paleo age, we would naturally sleep more after summer. During sleep our body gets rid of melanin. But today, we don’t do that. We sit in front of the PC, we work, we study, we do whatever comes into our mind- but go sleeping. Why wasting that precious evening with ... sleeping... right?

So here comes the real issue: Our body produces more and more melanin, which suppresses the production of serotonin. We get more sleepy, tired, exhausted and because of the lack of serotonin moody, aggressive, sad or even tearful. And you might have already guessed what the result of all those things is: We get cravings and try to get the energy we didn’t get because we didn’t sleep enough out of food. This is unrelated to our daily calorie intake. Plus: because there is less sunlight (which also helps producing serotonin) we try to get our serotonin out of food- guess what foods are best for producing serotonin: nuts(especially cashews and peanuts), seeds (especially sunflower seeds), omega -3-acid rich foods, soybeans.

And suddenly I know, why I have such strong cravings for nuts and seeds and fatty foods like avocado, why I can’t stop eating soy-yoghurt despite eating enough calories for the day. And why I am feeling so bad, why I am so moody, why I have real problems with my body image right now:

I am simply lacking serotonin.

So after finding the problem- how do I deal with it? I can’t change the weather that’s one for sure...

So how do I get more serotonin and how do I get rid of that huge amount of melanin?

1. More sleep. That’s so obvious. And to be honest lately I REALLY am sleeping too little. So- usually I sleep like 7 hours. So I will aim for  9 hours during the night and when I have a chance I try sleeping another hour during the day. Just for fun. After a little more research people my age (18-25) should sleep between 7-9 hours but even 10-11 hours are okay!

2. Sports, being active, sun Another bit of investigation showed me, that appearently comparing cardio and strengh training, cardio boosts the production of serotonin much more. So I add another optional cardio day to my weekly plan (which I will post soon!) so that I have 5 times jogging (cardio), 2 times dancing (cardio/strengh training mix) and 3-5x strengh training (I have still to figure out how my strengh training will look like so stay tuned :P )

Well, So keeping up with my sport schedule is important. But this is something I already was planning on doing. Going outside whenever the sun shows up or even when it doesn’t show up is also important! So I will put myself the goal of going outside at least once a day and best as long as possible being outside.

3. Foods which helps producing serotonin

For producing serotonin we need the amino acid tryptophan. For using the aminoacid properly, we also need Vitamin B6,C, magnesium, mangan, zink and omega3acids. For the amino acid best food options are (per 100g) legumes,(soybean, lentils, grean benas above 200mg), grains(oats, millet, buckwheat around 180mg) rice sadly only 90 mg, but still okay nuts and seeds (cashew 450mg, peanuts 320mg, sunflower seeds290mg, 310mg, sesam seeds walnuts and almonds 180mg,), spinich 150mg, broccolie 150mg Usually the other vitamins you should get by consuming the foods since there are only cocktails of vitamins and minerals in real food. But a huge salad (green leafy foods contain the highest amount of magnesium, iron, zink) with flax seed or flax seed oil seems like a good option, too. I mean, it doesn’t hurt adding some raw stuff does it? It has  been a long time already since I`ve eaten much raw food. Why not? I just try doing so.

4. How you eat.

This one I kind of like a lot- They say that the highest amount of amino acids is absorbed when you eat on an empty stomach. So don’t eat the whole day through, concentrate on 2-3 meals. I would have lunch in the afternoon and 3-6 hours later dinner. And it is important to really chew through your foods!

So depressed.

So down.

I feel like shit.

Okay, on the one hand: What I didn’t tell you- since I stopped taking the pill in december 2013 I haven’t had my period. Yes that’s right. Not a single time. I had a really really bad skin after that. Pimples all over my face, my shoulders and back. A few months ago after eating so long vegan and after I stopped using any chemicals, soap and so on on my face the pimples finally have been gone. My skin is nearly flawless! Of course there is the occasional pimple, but it’s like one or two on the whole face and that’s it. And actually I got my period the second time in a row!!! In september I had my period and right now I have it again. Which makes me so happy and glad because I nearly lost the hope that this part of my body would work fince ever again. This way I can get the coil for prevention. Moreover, I broke up with my old boyfriend after being not happy anymore. Now, I know extrmely fast after breaking up, I am in a relationship with a man that makes me really really happy. Like for real, I can’t tell when the last time was that I have been this happy. After telling my father that I am quitting physics and after getting my exam in 18 months I am starting with studying music that relationship changed a lot... We really can coop with each other again, I can talk with him about music and he helps me, supports me... It is like a whole new world!

But then there’s on the other hand... Since last week I can’t get a grip on myself again. I didn’t do any sports at all because I have been feeling so week PLUS I ate so damn much food... (now I know that it is due to my period... man, I forgot how exhausting that is!!! need to get used to it again...) I have really problems with starting eating my normal way again. And doing sports. Being active... This really makes me feel guilty and I am so afraid to gain weight again... Especially right now when I have a new boyfriend I want to look my best, to FEEL selfconfident and that way it is nearly impossible for me.

I have been so week I didn’t even go dancing. And I feel like really REALLY guilty because of that. I NEVER skip dance classes and the people there count on me, they expect me to be there... like, we are a family and when someone isn’t there it is not good at all...

And then there is the thing with my ex boyfriend... First I have been glad that he agreed on a friendship. But after he found out that I have a new boyfriend he started with blaming me. He started telling me how shitty he feels. He started asking how I could be so cold so unemotional that I could get a new man so short after breaking up with him. If I didn’t feel anything at all. If nothing had mattered to me.. At first I have listened patiently, because I felt like I owe him that for hurting his feelings... Like it is my duty as a friend to listen to his problems.

But right now every time he calls, and he calls nearly on a daily basis, he starts with the blaming, with name calling with crying and... and I realize that I am not as strong as I thought I am... I feel bad. I feel like shit. And I would like to help him but I feel like I am the wrong person for that. It kills me listening to how I am hurting him, how he breaks down because of me.

Itreally kills me listening to him. So...

So....

So I guess I have to make a cut. And I think I should stay away from him for a while. Because I don’t think I can take it any longer.

So these are the things I have to get fixed again:

- start doing sports again with the priority: dancing, jogging, strengh training - get back to my diet: only “real” clean food, 2-3 meals a day, water, HCLF - forget my old life and embrace the new one I have.

These are my legs right now^^

They are sooo much thinner than they’ve used to be!!! I feel better and people started noticing that I have lost weight.

Finally^^

My current weight is still 50.3, but my body is adjusting. I did some sort of training (4x jogging, 2x hip hop dance class, 3-5x 10-20min strengh training for belly, legs, bum per week) so I gained some muscle tissue.

Only 2 kilos left :)