Constant Journey

every alternate week, her best friend would come to our house with a tupperware full of chicken spaghetti. they'd stick us in front of a tv with a stack of disney vhs tapes and go through each room, finding every dirty dish, and then spend the afternoon at the kitchen sink, washing each dish by hand while gossiping.

The substance I was addicted to was heroin. While I was actively addicted, it absolutely came before everything else. My life shrank around it. I kept using despite very real, very obvious negative consequences. If you’re looking for something that fits the “compulsion + harm + loss of control” model, that was it.

But what’s always sat strangely with me is what happened when that context changed.

Once my abusive relationship ended and I was no longer in an environment where it was readily available, it was shockingly easy to stop. I’m not saying it was physically comfortable. My body was pretty pissed off for a while. But psychologically, it just didn’t have the same hold anymore. I wasn’t spending my days white-knuckling cravings or constantly thinking about it. It dropped out of my life in a way that, according to the 12-step model, is not really supposed to happen.

And that’s where my issue with that framework starts.

Because 12-step ideology tends to assume that if you have ever had that kind of relationship with one substance, it reveals something fundamental and permanent about you. That you now have a generalized “addictive nature” that will attach itself to other substances or behaviors if you’re not constantly managing it. That you are, in some essential way, always on the verge of transferring that pattern onto something else.

And that just hasn’t been true for me.

I was a near-daily cannabis user for years. When it started consistently making me feel physically uncomfortable instead of good, I stopped. No drawn-out battle, no existential crisis, just “this isn’t giving me what I liked about it anymore” and I moved on.

I drink occasionally, in social or celebratory contexts, and I genuinely find alcohol kind of boring outside of that. It doesn’t have much pull for me.

I tried gambling once, got annoyed at how tedious and overstimulating it felt, and left the casino in under an hour. I have not felt remotely compelled to revisit that experience.

I use the internet a lot, and I play a handful of video games, but I can also go on a camping trip with no signal and be completely fine, unless you want to try and find something pathological about nature photography, in which case you can blow it out your ass. If anything, I generally enjoy the change of pace. There’s no sense of panic or withdrawal or “I need to get back to my computer/consoles immediately.”

So when I hear the idea that addiction is this broad, transferable trait that will latch onto anything with quick reward or low friction, I just don’t see it reflected in my own life.

What does make sense, looking back, is context.

When I was using heroin, I was in an abusive relationship. My environment was unstable, stressful, and honestly pretty bleak. The substance didn’t just exist in a vacuum. It fit into a specific set of conditions where it functioned as relief, escape, and regulation.

When those conditions changed, the behavior changed with them.

That doesn’t mean there was no dependency. There obviously was. It doesn’t mean there were no consequences. There very much were. My grades suffered. I dropped out of college. I lost my apartment because staying out of withdrawal and numbing out from the abuse felt more important than paying rent.

But it does suggest that what we call “addiction” might not always be this permanent, identity-level trait that needs to be managed forever. Sometimes it looks a lot more like a relationship between a person, a substance, and a specific environment.

When that’s the case, then a framework that assumes universality - “if this happened once, it will always be waiting to happen again, with anything” - is going to miss a lot of variation.

I’m not saying 12-step programs can’t help people. Clearly they can, or they likely wouldn’t exist in the way they do. But I do think they’re often treated as the model of addiction rather than a model that fits some people and not others, and when your experience doesn’t match that model, many people who swear by them will assume that you are misunderstanding yourself, in denial, or “not taking it seriously enough.” This paternalistic attitude only serves to make me even more skeptical of the framework.

For me, what mattered wasn’t declaring myself permanently “addictive” or treating every pleasurable behavior as a potential threat.

What mattered was getting out of the environment where that pattern made sense in the first place.

I have an extremely addictive personality and I grew up in cults. All of this is incredibly spot on and there are very good reasons.

1. 12-step programs almost always become cults. Not every branch, but cult experts have said that the framework is basically a How To guide on starting a cult. And a cult is basically an addiction for most of the people in them. They satisfy a very specific need and life can become unbearable without it.

Which is because:

2. Addiction is more often than not self medication. The human brain is... wonky. There are a lot of reasons that one might just not make all of the chemicals needed to function comfortably. Abuse can cause a dopamine roller coaster that makes the brain less sensitive to emotion regulating neurotransmitters. This makes heroin, a numbing depressant, incredibly appealing. Other PTSD can cause the brain to become too sensitive to adrenaline, so cue the heroin again. Though sometimes meth or coke work better because it raises the body's tolerance for stimulants and makes PTSD adrenaline feel like a calmer baseline. The point is, these drugs genuinely patch up a gaping wound and the brain DESPERATELY wants to not be in pain. It's one of the most base instincts we have and can be impossible to fight.

Addiction is rarely broken unless circumstances change. Therapy does nothing for abused kids while under their parent's roof and mundane solutions do nothing for an addict while actively in distress. But that means that addiction often CAN be successfully treated simply by removing a person from their stressor.

3. Sometimes the stressor isn't dramatic like abuse or PTSD. Having a comfortable life and then becoming an addict doesn't make you weak. It means you most likely have some kind of chemical imbalance that addiction is treating. Maybe a mood disorder, maybe just ADHD.

People with ADHD, autism, and other kinds of neurodivergence are at very high risk for addictive behaviors if they go untreated. The most common are low level, the kinds of things someone who doesn't have an addiction wouldn't even understand. My first was energy drinks. You see, stimulants like caffeine and B-12 can successfully treat ADHD in the short term. Most energy drinks also have inositol, which can help to treat low level depression. Taurine is also standard and treats things like PCOS and other metabolic imbalances. Add in the sugar which is one of the brain's favorite fuels and you have a recipe for addiction. The kind where one might drink 12 a day and destroy their liver and heart.

Nicotine also treats the unpleasant symptoms of AuDHD and the like. So does cocaine and meth. The thing is, people only freak out if they make it to the illegal ones so a lot of the time the issue is masked until someone is already deep in chemical dependency. A lot easier to take meth if you've been smoking and drinking for years and a lot harder to get help for because people moralize some drugs much more intensely tham others. Asking a doctor for a Nicotine patch or alcohol antagonist is sometimes considered shameful, but trying to get off of meth is treated as criminal.

4. The very, very, VERY good news, is that there are several meds that can help if you have this kind of addiction. Treating the ADHD or whatever can kill the craving for nicotine and alcohol very fast. Welbutrin is prescribed to help people quit smoking and recent research has shown that it's BECAUSE it's an ADHD med and not just coincidentally. Put me on Strattera and my addictions all fade into nothing. No need for caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, or anything else that brought me to stability but fucked up my body.

It's not a cure all for everyone, but it helps a lot of people get started.

5. No matter what the root cause of someone's addiction, talk therapy is usually a necessary tool in the kit. The one thing that is most ubiquitous among addicts is the thing that makes it hardest to quit: shame. Even getting out of a bad situation or getting treatment for depression or ADHD might not shake a lot of cravings if there's shame attached. It drags the problem with you long after the physical conditions change.

And maybe traditional talk therapy isn't for you. It isn't for a lot of people. And that's why:

6. Cult or not, 12-step programs do help some people. Joining an AA group is often easier for men and for other people who were taught traditional therapy is for the weak. It gives them a safe framework for their recovery. It lets them purge shame. It forces them to take accountability and face the source of their shame. And it shows them they aren't alone. All while giving them a rugged sort of image to project that some people just need in our culture.

7. Addiction is very, very human and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Knowing that there is real help out there can save lives. Knowing it isn't your fault can save lives. Knowing what the root problem for YOU can save lives.

8. And you know what? Sometimes addiction itself can save lives. Not everyone is going to be able to handle pure abstinence. And not everyone is going to be better off that way. The goal shouldn't be purity, because that's unrealistic trash. It should be sustainability.

One of the treatments for ADHD is basically carefully regulated meth. Some for anxiety are just downers that your doctor rations for you. Drugs themselves aren't always the enemy, it's how you use them and the control you have over that use that is the biggest factor.

If you really are the kind of person constantly ready to fall into relapse and can't handle even controlled consumption then ABSOLUTELY go with abstinence and even a 12-step. Get religious. Take a vow of silence. Take up a hobby that includes tiny pieces. If it's the addiction saving you, do what you need to in order to find one that can sustain you instead of kill you.

9. My entire point is that whatever addiction you have, there's hope. Take a deep breath. Take in the fact that there are answers. That you're not irredeemable. That you aren't weak or stupid. You are human. You are a human in pain. That means you're going to do what you can to ease that pain. The only thing that reflects on you is what you plan to do about it going forward. If you didn't know something you can't blame yourself for latching onto the first thing that eased the pain.

Know that your path forward might be something you've never heard of before. That there's a vast world of comfort and security and freedom that you simply haven't been able to see from where you are. If you know that it's there, then you have a much better chance of getting there.

I didn't even mention some of the new and very promising treatments. Things that AREN'T drugs or just replacing an addiction. I'm not as knowledgeable about those because they're still mostly inaccessible to the general population, but they won't be forever. More and more become easier to access every day.

reflect critically on a profound level about themselves and their actions and beliefs and the world they live in

be increasingly open to complexity, nuance, and ambiguity

be open to major change in general

when they feel a sense of hostility. these are things that are most easily and safely done in a supportive and safe environment. & these are also things that are pretty crucial for being able to productively change your worldview.

it suckkkkssss because people are annoying and hateful and hypocritical and infuriating. and yet pressure does not always make diamonds. if you want people to be more leftist than leftist spaces and communities and the relationships people have with these ideas needs to be one which does, foundationally, make people feel seen and heard and encourages them to buy in to the group emotionally and credally.

obligatory disclaimer this is not saying tolerate misogyny racism transphobia genocide denial conspiracy theories etc etc or even to water down leftism to appeal to whoever. its about presenting these ideas in a manner and an environment that is encouraging people to drop their walls and open their mind. you can lead a horse to water and it may choose to drink, but if you try to drag it there or beat it in that direction, it probably won't. or it will take a much longer time and be a lot more stressful for everyone.

sometimes abuse victims will insist to others that they were/are not being abused. sometimes abuse victims will insist to others that it's okay they were/are being abused for whatever reason.

in fact, leading a victim to believe that what is happening is normal and fine and even good or righteous for whatever reason is a common feature of abuse, whether the abuser did it on purpose or not.

if an abuse victim in your life...

questions whether they were abused

goes back and forth about whether they think they were abused

tells you they weren't being abused, and then later says they were

because the alternative is healthcare professionals and social workers and therapists and educators and EMTs and paramedics (and on and on) who are operating on a very different set of values from yours