UNFILED DOCUMENTS:

the pages flew back to me

(back in time) and they scream—

they feel so sticky

sweet,

crumbled up in a shotgun shell that someone painted pink

[[[[[[[ i’m writing for my memory ]]]]]]]

they tell me of spiced holiday candle wax, and remind me of a lingerie store that smells like swarovski crystals, and the idea of incense that’ll never leave the packageee.

IDK about YOU

but TO ME

that sounds like duplicity and a hint of ✨black magic✨

looks like someone turned the light out and forgot to clean the static

~forgot to clear the damage

Inspiration hits in different ways, but I have no motivation.

I feel all these limitations:( from all the different angles i’m looking inand-out

of boxes that i’m trapped in.

these windows aren’t small and the glass is thin but i could try a different angle? change my view? and still, i’d be trapped in.

They say the box is only as big as you make it!

but mine never had/has any walls,

i’m still hung up on trying to crack open the god damn window.

~trying to air out all these nasty thoughts~

catch my breath and TAKE A BREATH

of some fresh air

because the air is freshest when you haven’t smelt it(get it), and the grass is greener where you’re not standing or trampling it right?

well my box doesn’t grow grass

and my oxygen is carbon dioxide 13 times concentrated

and maybe if i concentrated i could get the god damned window open!

and maybe if i concentrated i could get my closed off heart opened!!

but maybe for now i’ll just focus on the window.

I sealed myself off for the world to see:(

I can’t see anyone outside!

but can anyone look inside

and see

me?

(one time i locked myself in a box, and threw away the key)

i have this hourglass ticking in my dreams

where the sand falls in reverse

and where the ticking

sounds like

screams

and these past few weeks

the sand

changed

red

and the limits in an hourglass

threaten me by

a spider

instead

and harsh

with its grace

i lustreless

the intent

because truly

am i the spider

the web

or the fly that’s caught and bound

because i see

red

and i feel thinly

spread

and i scream

but make no sound

.

i spin these thoughts

in this web

inside my

head

i bring myself

D

O

W

N

i’m fragile

AND RIP MYSELF TO SHREDS

unraveling

and hanging by a fraying

thread

-this fraying

web

is also what i am

i feel the pressure of toxic weight

and try to hold myself to gether

but when the rain comes

*pours

i am the epitome of hate

and nothing more

I AM SCREAMING

i feel forsaken by the divine

a funny thing-

i laugh and cry at the same time

because

MAYBE

ALL ALONG

i’ve been nothing more then a

simple fly

catching myself in webs

blinding myself by the sun in the sky-

.

i could be all three

or i could be nothing at all

not a memory

or a picture on the wall

but

truly

how can i even think

when these hourglass dreams

filled with horrible things

aren’t even the worst

?

when flies, webs

and

BLACK

WIDOWS

aren’t even the worst

of the haunts

in

my

pillows

// Ophydia

I’m having sort of a hard time understanding this healing process. Maybe i’m just not sure what needs the healing, I couldn’t really say. Although that saying “ignorance is bliss” depending on a moment, I have found that statement to be true. How can anyone ever reach a state of peace after losing such a level of ignorance and innocence in a manner so unkind? Can I ever have the privilege of knowing bliss again, and did I ever truly know it before? I used to fear the shadows, and now I am them. I used to fear monsters under my bed as a child, who knew that someday i’d become one. Certainly not me! I grew up to be the monsters and ghosts, that I feared the most. How interesting. To a certain degree, maybe that’s what childhood demons are. All the worst parts of ourselves, our sins, future gore, and every mistake going back in time to serve as a warning? And maybe that inner child will scream out- bleed out our adult years until we’ve paid our dues. Ignorance is bliss? No ignorance is timeless. A cycle of hell whatever that means! I feel like i’ve lived out a morbid version of little bunny foo foo, and I know it sounds a bit on the dramatic side but I can’t be the only one! Because that would be far too lucky! Oh geez I don’t even know what i’m saying anymore. I just wish to go home, but I haven’t found one my whole life!

Until next time!

-sent from the closet

Yours truly 💕

//burningthe: trash

I am so insecure in every aspect of my life, because of all the ways i’ve been treated in my past_and because of this, I have such a deeply rooted fear of rejection.

I find myself bending over backwards(oh the humor and pain in the truth)when given the simplest form of affection. I would give my left lung to anyone that genuinely asked how I was doing, let alone someone who just smiled at me. They don’t even need it, while i’m struggling to breathe_but I still want them to keep it just in case! I struggle to keep up in life, because my insecurities run me out of breath.

I find pieces of myself in the trash_that others threw away, because they didn’t need another heart/ especially one that’s missing pieces that I already gave away. I can’t help others if i’m killing myself_and my insecurities will continue to destroy me and my life, if I don’t fix this damaged perception that I have of myself.

shadow work :andsmoke//

Summertime reminds me of shattered glass, the way it burns my skin. Patiently stings. my eyes. the damage so paper thin.

and my heart froze over last winter when my heater went out, so i refuse to thaw myself out

for anybody.

you all can freeze-

~better to just carry on in the summertime breeze~

I always countdown the days till June like a child does for Christmas, or the last day of school.

But I hold my breath and count count count out of fear. NOT for freedom or a moment of cheer- the Sixth month of the year

is the best time to flatline.

but i don’t

So maybe that’s why I always get my heart ripped out of my chest,

through my throat.

-To see if i’m really hanging in there, and I must be alive if I bleed all over the sidewalk.

I drip like a strawberry flavored popsicle, and melt down the same hands that wash me away.

the very same hands that told me everything would be okay-

and those are the hands that leave the next day.

I’ve only known warmth scorching, and to singe my ends. Adrenaline, and fire in the veins. I expect summertime to burn me down, but I never expected lips, or to crack my teeth.

The bite down from the heat,

the anxiety.

so as soon as i felt the absence- the first shiver of the last winter storm, i knew i no longer desired to ever feel warm.

so i never fixed my heater

My heart stopped beating at 7 degrees, and I refuse to thaw myself.

So instead i’ll let you freeze

lately i have all these opportunities

i drink them down

and let them overwhelm me

i don’t plan to get wasted-

on the apathy

but what would i be

if not caving from the gravity

i could open a new door

or open another bottle

drown my sorrow

drown my sorrow

i fucking hate myself

this love is hard to swallow

-still i’m drinking down

and i don’t want to be wasted

i thought the buzz would help me

but with each

shot of opportunity

i only see myself

more brutally

less beautifully

She was warm golden light,

dancing in honey pooled eyes.

Teasing the darkest of shadows

back into the midnight

and who would have thought,

she’d have a heart engraved in purple.

She was the blinding sun,

and beaming rays on hot summer days.

Sunburns and words can be hurtful.

Because she was like a waterfall

Pretty little thing-

and going downhill.

She was the glitter at the bottom

She was the mist and icy chill

but most importantly

the reflection

She was the ocean, and sky so blue

every night crying to the moon.

Giving all her light to the world,

in hopes to blind them from her gloom.

Maybe it’s just the ice in my veins, but it feels like the world has grown cold ever since you left me that day. I hate how it burns, and this time I don’t mean the rage.. but the look on your face, as you pulled away. I hate how that’s my most vivid memory. I wish I could forget that day. I begged you to visit a while longer, because that was our final moment. I could feel it, and I can still feel it. How cold your lips were that had no desire for me. A last kiss so cold, I still can’t get warm.. and maybe it’s just the ice in my veins, but it feels like the world grew cold, ever since you left me that day. So I vow to myself, and every page. Someday you will hold a book and read my words. You’ll only know it’s me.. when my pain ridden lines seep down to your soul, after someone breaks your heart, and leaves your chest with a hole. The flip of my pages will send chills down your spine, but only then will you have a clue. When the icy touch from pages of a book, will leave the tips of your fingers blue.

i’m writing love letters

to a boy in another world

i’m a lost girl

far from Peter Pans world

and i wanna scream because

when i see glitter

i hope it’s Pixie dust

i wonder -

what even happened to us?

because i’ve been tugging at shadows

and although i’m not Wendy Darling

i know he started falling

all the way from Neverland

and he came all the way to me

- i watched him up in the sky

flying so high

never coming down

maybe that’s why

he stopped coming back around

but maybe

that’s my problem

i fell for Peter Pan

my love for him doomed

way before it began

“here’s what i remember:”

it was the sound of his breath and

that’s all i could hear besides the blood rushing to my head

wait i take that back

i could hear a girl in the other room

she was laughing i could hear her smiling

or maybe she was upset

but hold the fuck onnnn

i’m mixing two separate memories let’s try and focus past the sweat

i couldn’t move

and i couldn’t breathe

from the weight of someone laying on top of me

and when i look

i couldn’t see

i’m being flooded by separate memories

and i find trauma

funny

because while i lie there and disagree

as someone holds me back and violates me

the only thing i can think is

god save me from my past

give me the strength to set myself free

// Ophydia

I bet you Hitler,

was reincarnated as a tree,

that grew 30 feet.

They cut him down,

and sent him straight to the factory.

Where they made

1,000 rolls of 1 ply toilet paper,

and with each ass wipe

he prays to his maker..

“What could I have done in a past life, for such derision and strife?”

Then an LDS temple was built over his roots

*In Washington DC to be exact*

- Rumor has it, that he haunts the halls of a Mormon food bank. One last package at the back of a shelf.

Wrapped in plastic,

and all by himself.

// Ophydia

don’t bother

i don’t want your hand

i can save myself

and don’t worry if i can’t

i’m already in hell

i like to pull you closer

and i never say farewell

if you’re thirsty

you can find me

at the bottom of a well

swimming in my thoughts

but i don’t like to dwell

gotta kill my demons

send them right back to hell

and right back to me

i’m only killing myself

so don’t even bother

if you try

you’re only kidding yourself

and lately i don’t know

HOW THE FUCK I’M FEELING

like i moved past it

but i’m still here dealing

i made the mistake

of letting a person

who didn’t love me

bring me to my knees

and now

there’s not a soul on earth

i would dare give the keys

to this castle

i call my mind

let alone the rooms

or closets where i hide

it’s forsaken and vexed anyway!

and who the fuck

wants a damaged heart anyway!

plus

i’m stuck in the past

but i must have fallen asleep

because the pages in this chapter

don’t look familiar to me

like i’m living a dream

or like running underwater

i don’t fucking know

i’m supposed to be a writer!

a poetic author

but lately

i just can’t seem to express

the pain

or even the lack thereof

my lines all sound the same

another lonely writer

trapped inside her brain

so i read the work of others

but lately

i get so goddamn bored

like i hate the work of others

but hate mine 10x more

i just don’t feel the same

since my poor little heart got broken

a better word

MIGHT BE FROZEN

since i’m cold and lack emotion

but no

i’m empty

so i think the better word is stolen

i’m hollow

a living shell

MADE UP OF RAGE AND SORROW

i live my days for tomorrow

but that’s not living

lately

it feels more like dying

if i weren’t already dead

from pulling the trigger

at the thoughts inside my head

but maybe sometimes

you just die inside

maybe sometimes

you get hurt so bad

you have to live this lie

for the rest of your life!

- that you’re still worthy of love

deserving of light

but your angels deserted you too

you should have killed

your past

because instead

it killed you

This is a collaboration with @disruptivebychoice 🤍 Go check out her blog, to see her beautiful writing and wonderful pieces! Love and miss u my clone🤍🤍🤍

marble eyes fell to the floor

teardrops of glass

angel so fragile

label her a whore

lost wings

that washed up on shore

emotional pain

leave

a

stain

and heart so cold

icicles in place of veins

teardrops of glass

shatter into the grass

the start

of a winter storm

pave the way

those silver days

gotta fix your soul

and

they repair

your heart so nice

a beating machine

ventricular assist device

emotional pain

make you think twice

icicle veins

a space heater

would have been wise

glass those marble eyes over

oh well

angel so fragile

sing songs at the chapel

enough tears to spare

the time for grieving

should be enough to repair

you gotta

save enough glass

for next season

fragile teardrops of despair

grass doesn’t stay

green

forever

angel wings

on the shore

of

surrender

// Ophydia

i opened the letter from you

for the very first time

ever since the day i died

and my throat restricted

more

with every single line

from the beauty

of every single lie

so thought out

and empty

i barely had to cry

“for better or worse”

you’d be here through it all

and you were here

waiting

until i’d trip and fall

so many promises

unnecessary

and bottomless

reading your words i wonder

if your heart was made of stone

when you sought me out for years

and could have just left me alone

each page

i felt

more

enraged

consuming me

in a fire full of hate

i should have used those flames

to burn that letter

and incinerate every page

watch the smoke

spell every word

that your promises would say

but all that i could do

was lock it up

and save it for a rainy day

TW - addiction

pass me the lighter

but let’s skip the cigarettes

just hand me the torch

i wanna feel the regret

i wanna get so high

i wanna feel why you left

the taste of the smoke

is nearly so bad

i thought i was swallowing my pain

regurgitate my heart

chew it up

and let it soak in the rain

i expected sparks to fly

and let me tell you

nothing ever came

even the torch went out

it was such a fucking shame!

but the more i smoked

the more it made me think

back to my time with you

and i’m just staring down the sink

because this is it.

with all the drugs i do

nothing would compare

to the time i spent with you

and of course i can’t deny

the obvious appeal of getting high

but i still don’t understand

why

i wasn’t worth more

then the euphoria i feel in my veins

since you said you loved me more

then i could ever love you

but it was her

and i always knew

but maybe i should change my view

addiction is blindness

you couldn’t see past the abuse

and i can’t find a drug heavy enough

because my addiction was always you

i knew you didn’t love me

but i refused to face the truth

addiction is blindness

and i lost sleep over you

so if the first step is to admit

then here it is.

because i’m done with this shit

done with never being enough

i don’t care about the drugs

it’s falling in love

now that’s what’s rough

// Ophydia