A Talented Stumblr

I am starting to dislike my "insecurity" (in quotes because I've been using the word but I think its wrong). I'm not insecure, a need for reassurance isn't insecure. But why do I need so much of it? I am one confident MoFo. I still believe I can change the world. I still believe I'm one of the smartest people in the world. I still believe I'm one of the best lovers in the world. So it's time I throw out some theories:

I crave stability. Stability is like laying down a brick and placing it in mortar on my wall. Making a part of my life stable means my brainpower can be focused on the next brick. (where Bricks != People), and adds to my strength and stability overall (positive feedback).

My childhood. My mom made sure my home was as stable as possible, despite my dad's efforts. However, in that process there are few times where I can say I felt overwhelmingly loved. I felt useful at times, invisible at others. 

My Libido (aka "The Hunger"). I tone down my sex drive so much. I pulled it back to the point of emasculization in HS. Why is it so strong? I know its so different from others; I fear sometimes for how different. I want to know that I am still loved at least in spite of it, if not because of it. I can control it like I control much of me. But it lingers like warm embers deep inside. 

Wife. God has my hunger caused her pain! She accepted it for years, 17 years it seems before telling me about how crushing the Hunger had become. I fear that one day it will be too much.

Intellectual self doubt. You don't make it to my age as a man of color in the USA without the scars of racism. I doubt my intellect at times, think I'm full of myself.  (Is this why I seek reassurance from such brilliant women?)

Empathy. I can see the pain I bring people. Empathy with that pain spreads within my body. Telling me I'm worth it quells that part of me that hates the pain. I know every relationship of dept involves some pain (family, in laws, compromise, sacrifice) but mine seem bigger because of poly.

Dihidrogen monoxide

best known as H2O

it's life's first familiar V

You lend a special shape to life

Like my lovelies and me

people sometimes look at us

and think he's such a HOH

others wink as they pass

a slight gasp, or maybe an OHH

But it's that special shape

That gives life its many powers

A shape that doesn't condense on freeze

One of the little things that Z enjoys is when I draw little spirals on her body. Little circles on her thighs, little spirals on her spine, or little  curls across her calves. I remember her reaction the first time I drew a whirl on her knee, just above her skirt, and she burried her face into my arm not to show the world how she had just reacted. Spirals played an important part this evening but not the kind that I could draw on her body. Tonight was an evening marked by thought spirals the kind that probably had been eating Amy alive, the kind that Z and I rarely experience, but the kind that I have learned to deal with. As evident tonight. Where I conjured many a dust devil, and had to sweep it away, before losing myself to it.

PS: {Talks with kids about gay erasure in history in regards to their favorite musical: Hamilton, where many historians believe Laurens and Hamilton were lovers and the songs hint at it. Compares it loosely to poly erasure and how we rarely hear about consensual multiple partners.}

Thing 2: My friends had so many questions when I told them about you, mommy and Z!

PS: Like what?

Thing 2: {Rattles off usual questions you hear from adults}

PS: how'd you feel answering the questions?

Thing 2: Fine, it was fun! How about you thing 1? Have your friends had any questions?

Thing 1: Yeah. We talked about it too but no one cares.

Takeaways: the kids are alright. This was the year in which thing 2 had their first crush (it was mutual). So even as they begin to explore their own paths, it's good to know that they don't feel the need to be closeted. Also they are still doing amazing in school, and impress the heck out of anyone who meets them. It's so much easier to be out because they are so impressive that no one questions our parenting. I feel very fortunate.

Realizing that I might lose a bunch of you readers as today’s great tumblr rapture unfolds (already down under 2k followers) and who knows if the filters will ever catch up with my NSFW text, I wanted to give readers a bit of closure even if I one day come back to this blog. 

As things stand now, Amy, Z, the kids and I are taking our big poly adventure to a quaint progressive small town in 2019. We’ll be buying a beautiful big house together and are currently navigating a 3 person mortgage situation. We will of course be taking many risks in the process, but will also hopefully gain many comforts as well. A fireplace, some gardening, more time to read, explore nature and snuggle.

Maybe this is where we will grow old together, or it’s quite possible this is only a pit stop on the road to Canada, should a certain political party gain more power, but I’m going to enjoy it for now, and love this family we’ve built as deeply as my life force allows.

Suffice it to say, that poly is possible, and if this is the end, the only advice I have for poly newcomers is don’t shoehorn people into your imagined life. Be open to who they are and what they want to create, even if they can’t name it. 

If you need me and are off here try me at 

polystumbles    @    outlook.com

Filed under found polyamory. I guess throuples is a word now.

They at least broke up the three pairs of white feet from under the covers trope with socks to mask race/gender/age/sexualities. So progress?

At Friday’s couples therapy session, the therapist finally said what so many had suspected: Amy is on the ASD spectrum with what used to known as Asperger's syndrome -- a high functioning part of the ASD spectrum that can often seem as simple awkwardness. He didn't want to go so far as calling it a diagnosis because she is so high functioning and he didn’t perform a formal diagnosis test, but that the regardless the words could help us find a way to work with how her brain works differently. While quite mild compared to many other cases, he made it a point to describe Asperger's and the autism spectrum is nothing like most people manifest nothing like what you see in the movies.

But never the less, it was this pattern in which when she saw a problem she hopped on a metaphorical train and got on the tracks and steam rolled all the way to a solution, this pattern of not processing the intense emotions behind what people are saying, this pattern of difficulty connecting with people that made it clear. Heck it answered the biggest of my questions about the events of November Rain -- why didn’t she see I’d not be happy with her proposal? Why didn’t she hear any of my warnings? Why didn’t she even care about losing our wedding ring? Why didn’t she know when something was important enough to take off from work?

Just as god-awful old job had torn down so much of the scaffolds she had built for herself over the years, her recent promotion at work finally let her start to see that these issues weren't only with me. Now the therapist did what he said he would do: tell us about the fence that's in between, even as we were blind to its presence.

The past few weeks we've removed so many of the other sources of tension: we started  to calendar monthly, we talked openly about my sexual needs, I took over our and my Mom's finances, I backed her in her times of need at work and at home with the kids.

All that was left were the arguments that made no sense.

And it was clear in those times but mostly our disagreements came down to her hearing me but not knowing that she did not process what I was saying.

She cried upon hearing the words. He expanded that he didn't know if it was definitely something neurological processing or something that had to do with her environment growing up he says what you suspect has a lot to do with how she handles people's emotions, but it was clear that she was no not processing social cues social cues hints body language and most forms of communication at the same pace and interest as other adults expect.

We cried in the car after the session.

Also told her that she can't look at this as being a just a negative aspect of herself. It's very likely that this is exactly what gave us polyamory. The fact that she saw a problem with our mismatched sexual desires, and accepted solution that diverged completely from traditional social constructs, and said go for it. In that, this part of her had led met to now and I was grateful. 

It's also very likely that this is why we fell in love. That she's participated in LatinX culture so deeply because as long as she was speaking in a not native language, participating in a non-native culture, she wasn't going to be expected to get all the nuances, the body language, she wasn't going to be expected to know all the social cues, she could go through life in my neighborhoods with my people, and with no one knowing that the reason she wasn't getting the cues was not because language. No, instead she was welcomed for all those quirks.

It’s also very likely its saving our relationship now. If this is why these things have happened, then it’s not her fault. 

It was a brilliant, if unintentional, survival strategy

Apparently about 18 months, since I last updated. I have many writings from the interim period, but no time to polish, edit and clean them. Maybe, I’ll get around to sharing a few. Briefly, here’s what’s happened:

From where we left off, Amy and I continued therapy and came to realize that Amy is on the ASD spectrum-- high functioning, and on the spectrum. It explains a lot. It was a lot more than the November rain incidents, but it all added up. That realization, and the months that it took to reach acceptance, are why we have thrived since then.

The week after my last post, I decided to go on a few dates, and ended up having Designer reach back out to me. Over the next few months, we’d see each other intermittently, and mostly as flirty friends, and eventually more.

Z ended things with Duane soon after my last post. I don’t know what happened, but I was supportive as I could. She prefers her privacy so I never asked much beyond what she offered. 

We took a big-fat-poly-vacation to South Africa last summer: Amy, Z, Me, the kids. Amy described the vacation as “the best trip she’s ever taken with me,” because of Z’s presence. Z seems to have a good time as well, even if she expressed newfound doubts that the kids were indeed angels. 

Amy has done better about asking for what she wants. She has asked Z and I to step up more with the kids, and we’ve had some great times as they’ve learned to love Z through the more constant time together. 

Living with Z (and still living with Amy) is going great. Except for that time the kids gave her head lice. 

Work has gone bonkers. Way too much of it. But I’ve been able to achieve some amazing things. 

Things 1 and 2 are doing great. Near perfect grades in school, good emotional development, and a wonderful mix of mischief and maturity as they should be. Some issues between Amy and thing 2, as exposed to Z more clearly in South Africa. But I’ve helped Amy navigate Thing 2 -- who is turning out to be a lot like me, just smarter, cuter, and more dangerous.

Oh and I nearly forgot to mention, I came out as Poly to my entire social network. For Z’s safety, I unfriended her first, but now openly share our photos, our stories, our lives together to all: neighbors, school, work, family. I made the choice that my life was something to be proud of and my relationships to be celebrated. And all those who weren’t going to be cool with it, could just disappear. No one did.  Or if they did, I sure as hell didn’t even notice.

That’s not really the objective of our safer sex guidelines, so it’s not addressed in there. The guidelines are about minimizing risk of transmission, and empowering everyone for informed consent. As such its not a tool for fighting stigma.  

We haven’t had this STI talk. Perhaps we should. 

However, to answer your question, here’s how I would handle it. Once any emotions subside it would be a rational discussion on risks between partners, then each person would decide how best to protect themselves in light of the developments. 

What adjustments might be needed, if any, would vary according to each person’s risk aversion, the risk of the sti, and the methods/effectiveness of monitoring and prevention. Those decisions may even include not being sexual with partner whose partners pose too much a bodily risk, or even not continuing a relationship. Such is the price of bodily autonomy. 

However, when you know what STI(s) you are dealing with you can more accurately assess your risks of transmission and methods of protection. You’re probably at a bigger risk not knowing whether someone has an STI, than knowing a partner has an STI.

Ironically, some high impact STIs, like HIV, can be more effectively monitored, prevented, and controlled than some lower impact STIs, like HSV (hard to protect against, rarely monitored, difficult to transmit, low impact on life, utterly commonplace). You can’t tell a person what to do to protect themselves, but you can accept their fear, and provide trustworthy resources to help a partner make an informed decision, and try to provide reassurance that you can handle your side of protecting them. But none of this help is debate: what a new partner might read as stigma, could just as easily be a history of mistakes, a context the partner doesn’t understand.

If you feel a partner or metamour’s position is unreasonable, you might want to consider what are the barriers to change for them, and act accordingly.

Saturday I was out to my uncle's BBQ out of state. Wish I could have brought Z along, and show my family,  my whole family. There are downsides to still being in the closet as Poly, this was one of them. But with my mom here and I really need to focus on taking care of her. And until that morning we didn't know whether or not she would come and the end my mom decided not to come. No matter, I had a great time with the family and Amy did as well. We told stories of childhood realized how I like my uncles and my brother and I are alike. Amy and I ran the table at dominoes. My aunt who is battling breast cancer was there and it hurt not to be able to hug her but we had to be careful with her compromised immune system.

She still made an effort with the kids not necessarily hugging them but playing closer to them that you did to any of the adults. We met her new husband whom she married just this summer, I joke that she probably was pregnant and that's why she eloped and canceled her big wedding in October, but it turned out to actually be her diagnosis of breast cancer. That my mom did not show up even after learning about the diagnosis what is a bit of a shock. But I think she knew that the whole family was going to mention and talk about her issues.

We spent some time with my cousin who I really never really got to know, and realized many similarities there as well. After seeing my uncle's, me, my brother and the next generation I was reminded a of the theory of the existence of a warrior gene. My leadership in work and activism has always been recognized. My Brother was an expert marksman. A marine sharpshooter. And standout 3 sport athlete in HS (Football, Baseball, Track). But also our remarkable health. Despite being over 50 years old uncle has apprehended several United States most wanted look up on the plaques on the wall, and it looks one of his sons is about to join the Secret Service. Holy shit these things are related, we are related. Then there are the other items are pretty crazy. Health --we're a really healthy bunch despite a lot of other folks to the family who struggle with diabetes. We eat well we work out and when we get angry we get angry. We are capable of power, intellect, destruction, and protection we are in the traditional Dominican sense the Caciques.

Then there are the women in the family.  My aunt who's battling breast cancer and her ability to rise as well a senior software developer for an ad tech company --she went from the South Bronx to engineering some of the initial software stacks for Bluetooth. My mom despite her current issues, has lived an incredible life as well. And then there's the matter of my kids. Thing One who for some reason this week has started quite in-depth research of military battles. Civil War history World War 2 history in particular. He's just eight years old and his interests right now lies in the Battle of Gettysburg. Testosterone has not kicked in, he’s still pre-pubescent but when he does go through it, he will probably be the strongest of us all. And if such a gene were to carry in Thing 2, the world better watch out.

After reading my last diary entry, you might be wondering: what exactly are our safer sex guidelines? Everyone has their own needs for bodily safety. Z and I drafted these guidelines, reviewed and got Amy’s feedback and questions. We adopted them as our Vee’s guidelines. Your’s may differ. Our needs sure differed, but we chose levels that we could all be comfortable with, wrote it in a google doc and shared it amongst ourselves should we ever need to review. But for those looking for sample’s here’s what we came up with.

Guidelines for safer sex and informed consent

26 November 2015 (ed: 14 January 2015) 

Before getting involved with someone sexually, discuss safer sex expectations and practices and STI status/history.

Avoid intimacy with people whose integrity is dubious or whose practices are risky.

Use barriers for oral, vaginal, and anal sex. Avoid fluid-fluid contact except oral-oral (see #4).

Check for cuts/sores before hand-fluid contact or kissing. If anything is found, use gloves for the former and avoid the latter. If in doubt, or in the event of increased risks use gloves.

Notify existing partners before the next time you are intimate with them (i) if you become sexually active with someone new, and any known risks, (ii) if you deviate from the guidelines, or intend to (iii) if any new risks come to light.