Written by Kevin Patterson, Illustrated by Tikva Wolf

today I had the most interesting conversation with a seminary friend, where i basically came out as polyamorous to him. I’ve been reluctant to talk about polyamory in seminary, primarily because seminary has a weird relationship with heterosexual or even homonormative constructions of monogamy. I’ve also been reluctant to talk about it because for the epic lack of religious illiteracy I can’t imagine most of the white folks in my school have a healthy understand of muslim women’s sexual agency, let alone one who is queer and poly. 

it was hella cathartic to talk to him, mainly because I've been rolling the idea of letting a cis het male into my poly formation, if only casually, which is huge for me. ever since coming out as poly I’ve prided myself on primarily dating other black women and femmes and then qwoc, not only because black women + femmes rank highest for me on the attraction scale but I never know what to do when straight guys catch feelings for me that i’m reluctant to reciprocate. but in dealing with the guy whose been chasing me for like 6 years, i had to confront the fact that my reluctance to take it there was feelings of not being “queer enough” if i have cis men in my life in any capacity other than purely platonic friends. i've always had complex feelings about not being read as queer enough by virtue of being a black femme, and people assuming if you don’t look like Melissa Etheridge circa 1999 then you’re not doing it right. Add even more insecurity now that I wear hijab and often get mistaken as the “enthusiastic ally” in queer spaces (cue me saying the word barf to the tune of rihanna’s work)

part of our conversation was talking about how i navigate being poly. I explained to him that it’s work having multiple people in your life. for example, i have to navigate a primary partner whose monogamous and i love to pieces but is entirely too much of a people pleaser for my taste sometimes. i tell her who i’m involved with for the sake of transparency, and when I ask her how I feel she just tells me she feels she doesn’t have a right to be jealous. or she wont say anything at all. like getting her to talk about how she feels about dating someone who’s poly when she’s not is like pulling teeth. its almost as bad as my former play partner not being able to communicate their needs and expectations of me. i mean i put my dating life on the back burner when we started talking. in may we’ll have been talking for a year. and I can’t get a woman who’s older than me and claims she wants to spend the rest of her life with me to be open about how she feels, even if its jealous or whatever. so even if i tell her “hey i’m thinking about seeing a guy” i can’t get a clear or honest answer about how she feels about it. and i ask not because she has veto power or anything like that, but to check in and make sure my actions aren’t pushing any major buttons that aren’t being addressed. 

the whole people pleasing thing has also been a problem in terms of thinking about the future together. I ask her whether she has dreams for herself, what she wants out of life, and she can’t give me an answer beyond “i want to be with you.” and one day i yelled in my head “that shit is not romantic, its pathetic.” like i want a “primary” whose working towards some shit, has a goal other than punching a clock and vegging out at the end of the day. i get nervous when i have partners who seem gung ho about supporting my dreams but not having any of their own. i can’t see myself growing old, starting a family, or doing anything more with a person who has no ambition because i can’t imagine being with someone who’s not growing and pushing themselves. 

this period of lunar eclipse messiness has got me thinking that i need to not only reconsider my no cis men rule but also my age rule. I’ve got three people in my age range who are interested in me, who are better communicators than the two people who’ve been in my life for a year respectively. the latter are older, and i assumed with age comes wisdom and the ability to communicate honestly and effectively. but i’m turning out to be wrong. and if this epic transition period in my life means shifting gears then maybe that’s necessary. its hard and difficult but maybe it’s necessary. 

me: hell naw! hairless cats look weird.

jess: you never know, you might come to love it.

Me: hear me loud and clear

i don't want a hairless cat

i don't want a hairless rat

i don't want a hairless mouse

i don't want no hairless animals in my motherfuckin house!

me: and yes i just dr. seuess'd the shit outta that so you'd get the point

In the wake of a severely awkward breakup I've been taking time to ask myself how to better define my communication boundaries

I was dating someone who asked me to make it 'official' one week and then asked me to consider being long distance via text the next

And when I was honest about long distance doesn't work for me I was told that I wasn't willing to try to make it work

That whole thing pushed two of my buttons big time: lack of transparency + trying to have a serious convo over text vs face to face

And yet when I parted ways i melted down ( & really withdrew in myself emotionally) because I felt like I was being a shitty person, not that someone had done me deeply sideways

And now I'm in this place where I'm like 'I don't even want to be your friend b/c transparency is a huge button pusher for me'

But judging by the passive aggressive fb posts this person has been making about my failure to be romantic & "leep" I doubt she'd get it

I doubt she'd get how emotionally coercive it is to ask someone to make a life decision on the spot & expect them to 'answer correctly'

I don't think she'd understand that it's beyond tactless to not mention this when you're pressuring me to label our connection to each other

I don't like relationship ultimatums where I haven't been given time or all the facts before hand but now I gotta make a decision

Others have tried me in that way before & to their surprise they've lost

because I'm never gonna put my scholarly career or stability on the line to chase some fault in our stars hallmark bullshit notion of romance

I like relationships

I am like…..kinda excited

I get to nerd out and look at philosophy books with someone who I’m interested in taking on as a partner