Pollux's Place

“I, I just don’t understand. D-did I do something wrong?” He stammered, still trying to wrap his head around your words.

Your eyes were too heavy to try and look him into the eyes. You studied the ground. His words made you sad, guilty. It was him in a way, but mostly it was you. So cliche to say, but it’s true. You were the problem, damaged and guilty. For a while you thought you could keep the facade of being a normal person, that’s what Pim deserved. Not you, anything but you. You could hear Pim’s sniffles and see tears painting the concrete. You were silent through it all.

“It’s not you Pim, you’re amazing. That’s the problem, I’m the problem. I know you think you could help me but, I’m too accustomed to this. I’m a self destructive machine and I don’t think I can change.” Your throat was closing up, it was so hard trying to keep a cool calm face. “You don’t deserve that. It hurts now but once you meet someone better, I’ll be a memory.” You reasoned, you heard Pim began to cry harder, his whimpers piercing your ears. You could feel his eyes burrowing into you.

It was a beautiful day, alone and secluded it made the situation that much more jarring. The vibrant flowers looked dull as Pim sputtered and cried. You choked back all your tears as you tried to not look him in the eyes. Pim had tried to help you, tried to understand your background. He knew your history but you hid from him the aftermath, what it made you. Anger and apathy were things you were familiar with and he was so sweet to you. It’s all so unfamiliar to you. You’d think about all of your other relationships where they’d leave you crying and alone after all the awful moments. Pim could never left you alone when you were sad, he’d lay his head on your arm and you two would talk he’d coo and caress you and you knew you were guilty. He made you feel guilty, knowing you wanted him to hurt you made you feel guilty. You missed the pain of yearning for someone to be better for you. You had no clue why, but you missed that suffering. Was it the familiarity, of wanting comfort as a child and never receiving. It was an addiction to you, and Pim couldn’t supply that addiction. He never made you second guess if he loved you, he never pressured nor hurt you. Which made you feel guilty, when he would sweetly apologize and reason with you it made you sick. You wished he’d just hurt you, then you wouldn’t have to feel so guilty. You knew it was wrong, to want him to hurt you. Of course you’d never force him to, never. He was too gentle and kind. Someone else deserved this kindness. His gentle touched made your skin crawl. When you’d have panic attacks he’d stay with you. Comfort your crying soul. It made you feel guilty, he shouldn’t have to deal with this. You were broken by nature, it was what you were use to.

“We can talk about this, you’re not some robot you’re a person. I can help you just, please listen.” He begged, Pim was sobbing now and you were the cause of it all.

You snapped at him “Pim, you can’t fix me. You can’t just fix everyone you think you love. You don’t love me, you love the person I created because I was scared. Scared you’d think im a fuckin animal and I am, boohoo. Jesus Christ, you give me too much credit. I’m sorry but, I’ll hurt you, again and again, and I won’t care after.” Your voice cracked at the end and you felt weak. Glaring at the floor you listened to Pim’s sniffles.

You hid behind a porcelain mask of your own making. A perfect, pretty person, you were outgoing, shining with warmth and grace. You were gentle and kind. That’s how he saw you, that’s the mask you put up. Your mask would crack one day, and he’d know you were a degenerate, fear was your making. It was your life blood, he thought he could understand but it wasn’t his place to. He wouldn’t give up on you so you had to push him away.

“You’re an idiot you fucking know that, you’re a sniveling naive idiot. By god, no wonder I’m the only person who’d touch you. Clingy ass 30 year old virgin.” You sneered, rubbing salt into his wounds. Pushing him away only further, Pim could see the tears in your eyes though even as you tried to look away.

Part of Pim was guilty too. Your meeting wasn’t the most, traditional. He met you as a client, your life was in shambles. You were depressed and a shut in unable to think straight after your last boyfriend wrecked your mental psyche so much you thought it was over. He had taken everything from you and Pim was obligated to help you. When he first laid his eyes on you, you looked like a fallen monarch. The aura you had was mysterious and haunting. It left Pim breathless, your face looked so gentle yet so damaged. Your friends thought that maybe they could help you smile again. It wasn’t easy, but Pim didn’t stop until you were able to laugh again. He remembers the sound, it’s what helped calmed him down when he was his most frustrated. He didn’t understand why someone could hurt something so beautiful. Pim tried to understand you, your life was a train wreck. You were always so positive though. Every time you’d recount a horrific memory, you had a smile on your face. It was so matter of fact Pim almost believed it wasn’t that bad. It was bad though, it was really bad he’d comfort you every time you had a panic attack or meltdown. He heard you on the phone late one night, you were mumbling and growling at the other person. Until you weren’t, and you began to scream obscenities and curses. Like a possessed chimp you stomped and cursed, kicking furniture. He felt his heart stop on a dime when his eyes laid upon your face. Tight and scorching, an animal had more humanity than you in that moment. The first time he ever say you without the beautiful porcelain mask. He was afraid, petrified. Never had the guts to bring it up to you, even though you both knew he heard. You both acted like nothing happened, the only clue was how your neighbors asked Pim if you had another family call with your dad that night. He thought he could help you, but you feared he bit off more than he could chew. He couldn’t save you from himself.

With nothing left to say, you scoffed and began to walk away. For the first time you had the guts to walk away, scared of the unfamiliar. It was from the only guy who even liked you, something so foreign you had to run. The sun shined bright on you, it made your body warm and lifeless. You felt like you were walking on air, like you could jump into the sky and never returned. Pim would fine someone else, someone better. That’s what he deserved, you’d be a memory and he could have the family he needed. You two were similar in that way, coming from broken homes. You two had such chaotic and hazardous homes yet, he was amazing. It made you feel worthless, while he was the embodiment of goodness and love you were a self destructive time bomb. Ready to tick and blow up anyone who loved you. Ready to see the disappointment in their eyes when they finally realize you weren’t getting better. No matter how much you desperately wanted to, you had no idea what a life without misery would be like. You carried your shame, horror, and guilt like a badge of honor. What if you were able to let go? What if you finally accepted someone loved you and he wasn’t secretly lying. You were praised for being independent, being easy and simple. That’s what every guy thought you were, except him. He could see your tears for what they were and he didn’t care. You felt guilty.

As you toed the edge of the parks limits. The point of no return, you stopped. Wanting nothing more than to run back and go hug Pim. Tell him it was an awful joke and how you were only kidding. He’d laugh and you’d laugh and you could keep the facade on for a year or two. You wanted to look back and see Pim waiting for you, waiting for you to change your mind like the fool you are. Tears fell from your eyes, clenching your fists until you felt your fingers break your skin. Gritting your teeth was something you always had to do, out of fear. You fell in love with war, you never left the battle field even after everyone else. You’d visit every time and remind yourself that your life wasn’t meant to be happy. It was something reminded to you time and time again. You left, wanting your last imagine of Pim to be his smiling happy face. You didn’t look him in the eyes once.

(Happy ending?? I hate sad shit :33)

You laid in your bed rotting away, calling out sick for work. You didn’t have any motive to move or do anything. Only getting up to use the bathroom and drink water. You felt pathetic, only able to roll around like a pig. Not even able to use your phone you’d just stare at the wall. That’s when your eyes locked on a picture Pim took of you two; you told him how much you loved Polaroid pictures and he went out and bought one to take pictures of you. Suddenly a wild thought went through your head. What if you could get better? What if Pim was right, you weren’t a robot. Maybe you had been looking at everything wrong, you were unfixable because you weren’t a robot. There was no one thing fix all solution for you. You laughed, what a stupid thought. It was almost worth a shot, almost. Suddenly there was a quick knock on your door. You groaned getting up, stretching your body you forced yourself to go see who it was. Your heart sank, it was Pim.

You sighed and unlocked the door, your face was as cold as when you first met him. He smiled at you awkwardly, holding a small box.

“I-I came to return some of your things from my house.” He stammered, holding the box up to you. You couldn’t help but smile. Grabbing the box from him.

“Thanks Pim, if you want to, you can look through my apartment for stuff you need to grab.” You offered, trying anything to keep him close to you for as long as you could to. It worked, he noticeably perked up.

Walking in he looked around your apartment, it was a little messy but it’s been a day since you broke it off. Pim slowly began to grab a few of his things, toothbrush, coffee mugs, replaceables. You tiredly laid back on your bed watching him walk around your apartment. That’s when your stomach growled loudly, making both of your cringe at the sound.

“H-have you eaten anything today?” Pim questioned, disturbed.

You shrugged, looking away from him.

“Do you want me to make you something? That sounded awful” He offered.

“You don’t have to take care of me Pim, I ain’t your responsibility anymore.” You rolled your eyes. Curling on the bed, tightly squeezing a pillow in your arms.

He sighed, sitting on the bed next to you. You two sat there for a minute in silence.

“You know, it wasn’t one sided. You cared for me as much as I cared for you. You were never a, burden.” He informed, trying to sound preppy. You looked at him confused and he continued.

“I know you think you’re some absolute mess, but you’re also the most passionate and honest person I’ve met. I wished you showed me that more often. I-I remember all the times you’d speak out for me, unapologetically you’d always could be assertive with people. Yet when you looked at me it was always love. It made me feel, seen and heard. Even if you think your emotions aren’t, good. I think they’re something beautiful, if not scary.“ he explained. Looking down at the bed sheets Pim could hear soft sniffles from you.