poem blog :P

oh and as i read these old lines. weaved of dishonesty and love. the memories floods my eyes. you say we are done and you left me my heart. but the pieces are broken and jagged. there's no more of that soft easy companionship between us. i trace the sharpness, hoping to feel something. but all i find is the sour taste of regret and the salty sting of tears on open wounds.and i wonder if we werent meant to be, then why does your departure fill me with grief and sadness alike. but the bitter taste of nostalgia seeps between the cracks of my armour. was it all in my head. the way we danced around with knives. not caring who or what we hurt in the process. and you say im okay as you twist me into something i dont regonize. oh what have i become my dear. this dark creature i cannot help. my interests are twisted in yours. you left me so much that i dont know how to handle it. there isnt a moment that i wished i could go baack. i dont know what i would do if i could. would i keep yu away from em or twist you closer. there likely isnt a answer i would like. we were doomed from the beginning until the end. and yet your dark hands cradled my shattered heart. they left cuts on your hands but that didnt stop you at all. you bandaged the pieces and left me reeling from the gentle love. got my head all confused and twisted. yet i still crave your love like my body needs water on a hot summer day. oh its all in my head i know. but who will convince my brain.

staring for a long time. he dropped his pen. that was it. names and gender changed, just like that. but was it really only that moment? what about the fights with mom. hours chasing the right name. the endless arguing with yourself over if you were trans there's so much more then officially or medically or even socially transitioning. and as i find myself in these in between state i wonder how it would have went. if even one variable had been different. i wonder this. i ponder it. and then i discard it. not out of disinterest, but fear. would i do everything the same, absolutely not. i hold regrets. but i survived. i went trough, and i build upon that. when a song called victim or survivor got released i didn't know the answer. i do now

there was a moment he hesitated. on the edge. then he took a deep breath, held it for a bit. then let it out in a big sigh. before letting the device drop into the creek. he checked his wallet, then his backpack. he was ready. with a steady pace he started walking away from the looming house, the moon high in the sky. his feet sometimes scuffing over the pavement. his breath coming out in quick pants. he needed to keep a quick pace. reaching the end of the street, he went left and then right at the crossing. walking all the way down the same road. never looking back. it was a cold night, lucky that he grabbed an extra hoodie. before long he reached his destination, the train station. he grabbed his wallet and quickly bought his ticket. no electronic tracks, he couldn't afford them. getting the ticket he went to the correct platform and found a bench he could sit down on. looking at the sign he had 5 minutes before the train came. perfect timing. according to the electric sign it was nearing 5 am. he killed the time by counting all the different tiles he could find at the platform. before long he could hear the train approaching, grabbed his backpack and made sure his beanie was on right. when the doors opened he quickly went in and found a place at the back of the train. in one of the in between sections, not the cabins. he would reach his destination in about 1 hour. his mother would be awake most likely, but when she would check. he would be long gone. he left letters and posted them in the bus before leaving. no way he was going to let that up to them. he fastened his gloves and pulled at his hoodie strings. he had a long journey ahead.

21 did we ever expect this the number means nothing but the story means all 21 and i am alive i dont know how but this number always out of reach not without fail and not without fault but i am 21

black, white. black, white. i stare at my computer waiting for words to come black white, black white. hoping inspiration will take me and i can feel serotionin black, white. black, white. instead my cursor keeps blinking almost like it's taunting me black, white. black, white several unfinished documents a purgatory of my own creation

vacant eyes and a blurry smile we laughed and we have cried you have held me through it all I stare at the words on the screen eyes are open but not seeing mind not comprehending you say you're leaving and all emotions flood my brain you make a joke and I respond but I am locked far away everything is changing so fast goes life and I cannot stand it

my mouth stretched in a snarl teeth showing in a grimace fangs glinting in the light fire in my veins mind recalling memories paws stretched in claws eyes calculating every move protectiveness and possessiveness flaring I will protect what's mine

watching the rain go drip drip wish i could be the water to fall and rise again in an endless cycle sometimes part of an ocean a river, a creek or even a puddle you know what's expected the cycle always repeats sun warming you and you rise up part of the clouds in the sky until you fall towards the land again oh to be a raindrop part of the cycle