Phantom

   ‘What does non-binary mean?’ Reading the sentence fear gripped their gut as they began to panic. One sentence and it felt like their world was beginning to crumble. To their family they presented as the sex they were born, to their close friends they were not so scared to hide who they knew they were. An individual who did not solely fit into what society deemed “male” and did not fit into what society deemed “female,” instead they existed somewhere in between. Their personality was more fluid, existing in the space of the two but without strong ties to one or the other. They were most comfortable as being the “in-between,” as being what many call non-binary.

   ‘What do you mean?’ The method was to play dumb, maybe it was just a mistake.

   ‘In your TikTok bio, it says non-binary. What does it mean?’ Now the panic was spiking and so was the feeling of lack of common sense. Their parent had just downloaded the app, of course they were gonna be a suggested friend. The scary thought of how apps could suggest them as a friend to a family member without looking one another up was pushed to the back of their mind as they tried to come up with what to say next. What to do next.

   Should they just make a new bio and pretend it never existed? That it never happened? Should they push their fear aside and explain what it meant? What felt like hours was only minutes as they weighed their options. Logically they knew that this scenario was better than what some others in their community had faced when “coming out” even with an accidental coming out.

   ‘Think of it like how everyone used to say I’m a tomboy.’ This was the best they could do with their anxiety bubbling in their stomach. ‘It's kind of like that, just a different way of saying it.’

   There was not a reply for a short time before they decided to just go for it. Rather than continue the conversation through text they were going to do their best to explain what the term meant to them through a phone call. It would be easier to discern the emotion from the other end, it would be easier to decide where their parent was with the new information.

   “Hi, sorry I thought it would just be easier to talk rather than text.” That wasn’t a lie but it certainly was not helping their anxiety any. Now they would be able to tell what their parent was going to think of them. “The way I interpret non-binary is the same as how I interpret being called a ‘tomboy.’”

   “Remember how I’ve mentioned that gender does not have to be based on sex, more so how someone feels they fit?”

   “Yeah.” Their parent’s tone was indifferent. “Does this mean you’re transgender?”

   “Not at least with how I use the term. To me, its just like I mentioned before about being a tomboy, but now the term non-binary is used.” There was a pause again as they tried to think of what to say next to avoid the rambling that was going to ensue. “Does that...does it make sense?”

   “I think I understand.” The tone was still neutral, but their anxiety was starting to ease. They knew both of their parents may not understand it completely. Their parents were still a little confused with the LGBTQ+ community with how the community had been shunned and criminalized when their parents were growing up. Nowadays it was more prevalent in news headlines, articles, and social media platforms. It was easier for people to ignore the LGBTQ+ community in the past and to sweep it under the rug.

   The conversation then changed to how their day went and how their classes were and while the anxiety was subsiding there was still that fear in the pit of their stomach. To their parents they presented in one way, it was easier to just be what their parents expected and nothing else. It avoided the awkward conversations and the possible ways their parents may look at them. They were not being truthful to themself, they knew that. But until they were ready, or thought their parents would be ready, they had deemed it best to wait. To keep their two identities separate. Their friends would know their preferred pronouns and their preferred name, whether abbreviated or a new one altogether, their parents would still just know them as the child they raised.

   They are too afraid to come out completely because they do not know how their parents would treat them. After this conversation they had changed their TikTok bio and went through their other social media to make sure the bios were blank there too. It was to sweep themself under the rug now too. To pretend it never happened and just carry on like normal. Eventually the conversation would be forgotten and the walking on eggshells would eventually end. But it wouldn’t completely. There was no saying if it would happen again and if it did how it would happen the next time. The fear had passed for the moment but the future could hold possible times again, and maybe not just to their parents but to their other family members as well.

   Not everyone was going to understand it the way they did. Some have been raised to be closed-minded in certain ways. For now they were going to be able to breath again. For now they would be more quiet when it came to certain topics, at least until the initial scare completely blew over. While they feared the outcome they were still aware of the fact that it played out much better than some other coming out stories they had heard. While it was only one parent that knew, it had been enough to scare them into thinking that this would be it. That they would either be rejected from the family or treated a different way, but the rejection did not come and the different treatment did not come either. They were fortunate.

   They were fortunate that their parent did not reject them or did not treat them differently. Some are lucky enough to have families that support one wholeheartedly. That no matter what their family would love and cherish them like a family should. That something like the way they identified would not change the way they were loved or cared for by their family. That something like gender identity would not drive a wedge between them and the people that raised them, that helped them become who they are. They were fortunate and they knew that. Not everyone would be met with what they were met with. The idea that their gender identity would make their family reject them had been driving their anxiety through the conversation. That just because they did not fit what so many deemed “normal” they could lose their family. They were lucky.

                                         --{}--

   Society is a hypocrisy. Bold words for a sentence that only has four, but think about it. From the moment someone is told the sex of their child, that identity becomes that child. From the moment the doctor identifies the sex that child is automatically viewed in a certain way. Pink for girls, dolls, dresses, small kitchen kits, princesses, and the pre-existing notion that this child will be kind and mature for their age. Blue for boys, trucks, baseballs, footballs, racecars, superheroes, and the already existing idea that this child will be into more “aggressive” things and is allowed to mature more slowly because “boys will be boys.” Society dictates that from the moment a child’s sex is revealed than their whole life could be planned out from that moment. A girl will always be referred to as a girl even when they are said to be mature for their age. A boy will be called a man the moment someone feels it necessary even if that child is still immature. Society tries to force people into boxes, but it is in the moment that an individual does not fit that society becomes a hypocrite.

   Gender is what society dictates. Gender is what society attempts to fit in little boxes with perfect bows and name tags for everyone. Gender is where society instructs that those who behave in this way are boys and those that behave in this way are girls. Growing up a girl can be called a “tomboy” because that child has personality characteristics that are deemed “masculine.” Growing up a girl can have more freedom in personality but society is at ease because it is probably just a phase that she will grow out of. Growing up a boy cannot have a doll because society deems it a “girl’s” toy, even though society also deems that this boy has children when he is older, that this boy will be responsible for another living individual but he cannot have access to the toys that may represent that future individual.

   Society lays out what it believes are personality traits for males or females, and for an individual however many boxes they have checked off dictates how society views them. This is where sex and gender are two different things. Sex is biological, and even then an argument could be made that it is still a social construct. Biologically speaking there are three main categories: male, female, and intersex. Gender is primarily a social construct, it is the small boxes that society tries to place everyone into with pretty bows and name tags. Gender can be anything. That child that is referred to as a “tomboy” can self identify as non-binary, as not fitting into a neat box because they check off traits from each category that society dictates.

   Society exists on the back of cisnormative ideals. Cisnormativity is the preconceived notion that everyone is only either male or female and that sex and gender is one. Cisnormativity dictates the idea of the binary, that there are only two options. If someone is cis then their gender identity agrees with the sex they were born. If someone is trans or not cis then their gender identity contradicts their deemed biological sex. We are human, we are not meant to fit into little boxes. Growing up we are told that we can be whatever we want, that we can be whoever we want. That growing up is when we find out who we are. But when one openly challenges and refuses to fit in a box, we no longer can be what we want to be, we can no longer be who we want to be all because we looked at what society assumed and decided we fit into something else.

   Society is a hypocrite on more than one account. Another account, the claim “it's to protect our children.” Some numbers to consider the next time you hear or say this phrase. The Trevor Project, a non-profit organization focused on preventing suicide in LGBTQ+ youth, conducts a national survey on LGBTQ+ youth every year. In 2020 the survey found that more than half of non-binary and transgender youth (52%) considered suicide and 21% had attempted suicide. The same 2020 study saw that 38% of transgender and non-binary youth experienced housing instability and of that 38%, 34% had attempted suicide.

   The topic of sex and gender comes with different opinions, understandings, and stories. Even now I probably lost a good chunk of you at the beginning of this, but if you made it this far then I hope you at least come away with a slightly more open mind. Transgender and non-binary individuals, as well as other LGBTQ+ youth, face discrimination and harassment daily. To be who they want to be, to be who they are most comfortable being, to be who they truly are can be a death sentence. We have to do better, every last one of us has to do better.

Important Information:

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