“i could fix him” well i could put him in my air fryer

and that would probably fix him

fix him up for dinner LOL

jeez how big is your air fryer?

my man is little and small

Love that in a lot of classic literature people just “randomly” fall ill but bro their homes were stacked to the roof with arsenic and asbestos and lead and radium of course they were sick all the time.

And then they’re like “we took my ill wife to the seaside and her condition improved remarkably” and it’s like Edward your house has seven time bombs in it please just leave your wife at the seaside and she’ll do very well not getting mesothelioma.

Edward your wife may be entitled to financial compensation

every time i watch a movie im like i will literally never get over this

you know that gag where there’s a character who’s falling off a ledge to their death and they’re all teary and the music swells as their hand slips and then the shot zooms out to show they fell like. two feet. that’s what answering important emails feels like.

ay yo mr white i know its a tough subject but ur at that age where regular prostate screening is recommended so i looked into some resources and got u this brochure

Anyone else go through that occasional phase where toast and butter is just the tastiest fucking creation on the planet and you have to restrain yourself from eating an entire loaf of bread in ten minutes

where are my other boring 20somethings i love you let's start a union or a knitting circle. maybe they're the same thing

no other social media platform has lore quite like tumblr’s

the gods that haunt this place are unlike any others

Man Man sounds like a crackhead

Shawty got them problematic jeans

She got the whole club cancelling her 

Umm….

this post, plus that satire one about the increasingly ridiculous callout culture that slowly became more and more accurate

the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

turns out we had the 2020 vision after all

“the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls” is actually a really fucking metal quote and i will be using it in the future

@handoverthehands it’s from Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. Referenced as well in Spirit of the Radio by Rush and again in Disturbed’s cover of the original.

what happened on this post

EVERYTHING