Perfected Grace

But every time you blinked, or stared intensely or made me the first person you spoke to in the morning, you made me believe I can

A warm escape from what has been disturbing my peace

An outlet, a warm release

A reminder that I can still do what needs to be done to solidify attraction

What I failed to calculate was my reaction

Why do you leave so frequently and is this something that I should expect?

I'm already running deep in the river of regret

You see, I know myself, and I'm not built to handle fly by night flings

Especially because when they pull back it stings

So here's to the healing that comes with recovery, the discipline that comes with a gut check

The realization of the need to adjust my self-respect 

I'll be over this tomorrow and until then

Show me that I'm wrong...and we can start this vicious cycle again



See those before you were metaphors but you, mi Amore, are an allegory

A cautionary tale of love at first sight

The moon pulling in the tide at night

It all started with a smile with fleeting conversation

The task at hand had nothing to do with the ultimate destination

I pride myself on being manipulative, I always know how to pull them in

Make a "Hello!" sound like "Come here. Right now!" and never ever talk to you again

You have to be quicker, I could have sworn I couldn't get you like that

Pretty privilege is a luxury on both sides so you had to be immune to my trap

I then disappeared in thin air, gone without a trace

I noticed the connection but upon your reflection, I think we evaded time and space

I picked up on your love language quick as hell. To the point that I'm obsessed

Your validation consumes me, I must confess

Isn't it funny? We live a life way beyond these small interactions

Pull away when we gain traction

You didn't respond, that's a subtraction

You solely control when the director says action

Not going to lie, this ain't the first time I became "intrigued" with someone I don't really know

Your persistence knocked down my resistance and oh the places we could go

When in reality -

Escaping with you is more comforting than escaping alone

I can't hide anymore that this house doesn't feel like a home

I'm settling because complacency has consumed all of my brain

Well not all, just the parts that are sane

When...you're nothing more than an honorable mention in my weekly recap with my friends

If the truth could truth for a minute, we will probably never see each other again

Yet still, I'm grateful for this reminder that it's still possible to get butterflies

Despite the times I tried

Despite the tears I cried

Love is still alive

Will you tell them you tried your best?

Will you say, I am unreasonable, unrealistic, and hard to please?

Will you tell them I was crazy, your weirdest mistake, your biggest regret?

Will you tell them you had been on psychedelic drugs our entire relationship?

Will you tell them I threatened you, blackmailed you into staying?

The more I think about it, I don't know that I care what you would say...

But I hope you tell them I am finally putting myself first. 

1. Your dad is comfortable. To him I am home. He knows the roof won't cave in on him and the walls are stable. He knows he will only ever have to share it with things he created. That familiar place will wipe his tears, kiss his scars, and love every single sin away . 

Babies, doesn't mommy deserve that too? What kind of man lives in another woman's house and leaves her homeless? Mommy needed shelter during a storm and daddy told her she should have remembered to bring an umbrella. 

2. Your dad doesn't fear me. I'm not talking ghost or zombies. I am talking about the fear and desperation in your eyes when you realize a faulty human being capable of demise at any minute is your everything. Your world. Every minute you spend with them is a scariest moment of your life because one day you may lose them forever.

3. Your father lives carelessly. I could always tell by the way he sleeps. His back turned from the only indicator of nightfall and grand rising. Nestled on his hand like a newborn. He rest like the whole world isn't burning around him. Nights I spent tossing and turning, nights praying wouldn't rock me to sleep. I bore to death of his snoring. I don't know if you all remember, but mommy never slept at night until she confirmed you were asleep.

4. Your dad doesn't know how to properly make amends. I am sure he learned this from his father. He thinks apologies make things disappear. He thinks love covers not a multitude, but all sins. He thinks acts of love are synonymous with repentance. Remember what mommy taught you, only apologize if you are going to try really really hard never to do it again.

This moment not only defines my life, but yours as well. You should know by now, I would do anything in the world for you. I will cross oceans, fly planes, land on the moon, and dig for fool's gold. In your best interest, I cannot stay in a marriage that is slowly breaking me. As your mom, I owe you something whole or complete. I owe you the lesson of walking away whenever you're worth is being question. I don't want you to be in situations where someone tells you What you saw or your feelings are not real.

I love you both. Always.

Love,

What makes a chair a throne?

Why do dogs love bones?

Why do broken women end up alone?

Why does some pain leave scars?

How is the sun a burning star?

Why do the heartbroken end up at bars?

Why are women from Jupiter and men from Mars?

Why does death come in twos?

When presented with 2 options, why choose?

What becomes of a singer who only sings the blues?

Why must you never buy your lover shoes?

-

How is it that when love evades me, my fail safe reacts

How am I confidently able to tell my pro tem soulmate that I am never coming back

How can the grass look so green on the other side that it oozes money

Why do the jokes about me ruining my life if I leave actually sound funny

Why are my kids depending on my happiness when I don't have any left

Can someone help me find my worth and self respect

Is it a question without a question mark

Are you really twin flames when there never was a spark

Are you just terrible at matters of the heart

Do you specialize in scribbling lines and call it art

-

When love lays me on the ass here comes a helping hand?

The other end of a man who says he understands?

Sells me the dream that he will wipe my tears away?

Holds me up and holds me down so that I would want to stray?

I stand up and grab the hand ready to experience what I never knew?

I always end up biting off more than I can chew?

What is the difference between fire and the flame if they are the same hue? 

Here comes the next guy right on cue?

While we wait to figure that out...Is it too much to ask that you stay close by I know that's not like you but are you willing to give it a try?

Let's laugh until it hurts

Reminisce like we're already dead

Take note who calls who first

Then I complain about not getting you out of my head

Let's ponder the what ifs until our mouths gasp for air

Let's argue like a couple and break up a thousand times

Keep reminding me love is not fair

Ill keep reminding you that you will always be mine

Go ghost. No seriously. Go ghost. Disappear without a trace. Leave messages and calls unanswered. Don't validate me. Ignore me while I'm asking for your advice. Look past our past. Cancel our annual homecoming pep rally we do on a daily basis. Turn cold, angry and mean.

I'll find a reason to call or text you the next day.

There is shelving, hooks

Artifacts and books

With a curator who has no idea what's he's talking about

That's why you're not special baby, there's no way your portrait would stay up for multiple shows

Your name may live on forever

Using gorilla glue was clever

But you still have to pack up your things and go

We served the finest wine and cheese at the artist reception, even invited the press

You looked dapper and fine

My brain called the show "He's mine"

You left early and the place was a mess

You switched a few items whenever it served you

You sold my favorite piece

I took no cut, I had no peace

You got big headed and said I didn't deserve you

You see love is an action word, and although I actively would try to make you stay as long as I could

The novelty wore off

The message in your work got lost

Eventually, I couldn't save us like I said I would

-

Inside me is an empty void where I rotate fleeting men

There are memories, and stories

Heroes with all the glory

And my heart falls for it all again and again

I wish you could be my happily ever after baby but my attraction to you is that you won't stay

You might turn into a tattoo

You might make promises you thought you could keep too

You'll say you love me then leave the next day

I will soak every single thought I have in your likeness, my soul will sound just like the way you say "Hello"

The lust will make me tap in

I'll start writing love poems again

Nothing you do is super impressive but MY GOD I can't let you go

You will always be one foot in and one foot out

You dance in the chaos you made

Play me like a game of spades

The only thing you inspire is my self doubt

You quietly pack your things as I watch behind a closed door

You leave behind constant reminders hidden in plain sight

Like the sound of running water, the way the stars shine at night

As I type this I think of the subtle curve of my youngest son's lips when he sleeps. It's like a gentle smile. It's amazing to me. I mean his eyes are completely closed shut. Isn't the idea of still smiling in the darkness whimsical?

Today I watched as my oldest son experienced pure joy. With excitement and wonder in his eyes, he saw the world through a lens of optimism, admiration and inspiration. I was almost brought to tears. How amazing that our reaction to our saddest moments mirror our happiest.

It's been almost a week.

Every day I think about you less and less. I don't need to read the messages, I skip the songs on the playlist and scroll right past your name.

It's been almost a week.

I search, no, yearn to be haunted by the ghost of the love I once had for you. Like me, I think she's moved on.

Reconciliation with you has chipped a piece of my soul

The void is unforgiving, all I want to do is sleep

Can’t understand why I allowed you to repeat

The promises you already didn’t keep

I’m anxious, angry, irritable, my patience is so thin

You got me even writing again

I know God said he forgives the original sin

But I’m done taking stuff on the chin

These red flags need to be the color of blood for my eyes to be open wide

Waiting for my 10 page paper on why

You couldn’t and you didn’t say goodbye

They transition to the after life via lazy tattoo designs meticulously placed so you don't realize they are there

Their tombstones read nothing fancy

Just a few scribble scrabble words

Maybe something like "Here lies that time I thought walking instead of running to a man who already broke me meant that I would take too long for him to break me again."

Or

"Here lies the memory of the man I kept around all these years only to realize he plays on my daddy issues."

Or

My favorite "Here lies the marriage of which I turned every single red flag to a beautiful rainbow that ALMOST convinced God he made a mistake."

My body is a graveyard where love sick memories rest from all the chaos of the world

Their internment lasting as long as it takes for the ink to seep through my skin

The memorials are getting bigger

My skin now craves these dead bodies

Hoping, wondering if every single man we encounter will get the distinct opportunity to become a love sick memory embroidered on my skin

I wear this pain like a wedding gown designed By Alexander Wang

Did I mention the bags under my eyes are designer?

Life is my runaway as I make death look blissful

I make graveyards look alive from the tenor notes in my laughter to the soprano in my sobbing

I wonder if my mother knew I would always house the dead

Part of me thinks she had an idea

She should have named me Mausoleum

So that when death eventually comes to find me -

He will know I'm a familiar friend for I have experienced him over and over and over again

How?

My body is a graveyard where love sick memories have been buried and laid to rest

Each one deeper then the one before

I'm running out of room

You should probably bury me next.

Pint up trauma, unsaid words, resentment and unforgiveness escaped my body in a matter of words

Like a cherry on a sundae you summed it all up with "What I did was nothing you deserved."

Healing surged through my body the same way optimism to stay sober surges through you

You weren't the boogey man anymore and I stopped identifying as lost and confused

Like diarrhea of the mouth you begin telling me how you're on your way to accomplish all of your dreams

Im elusive and comfortable with being reclusive and honestly still scared you'll go to the extreme

I tell you how I'm married and have 2 baby boys that despite my trauma look at me like I put each glimmer of stardust in the sky

The work I'll do - to make sure they never end up like you was kind of sorta implied

You asked about my family like there isn't bad blood

You say this conversation is giving you anxiety and you still got mad love

You say you on this healing journey and you talking to your childhood you

You saying this conversation could make you relapse because the reality of what you did to me is a nightmare that came true

You forgot the most important part of how you said you was going to make me feel your pain

You dismiss your own lack of belief and chalk it up to the chemical balance in your own brain

You say you think about me often because I'm the only woman you ever loved in this romantic space

You're relieved I'm giving you grace

You thought I was gone forever without a trace

You looking dead at me with tears falling from your face

You mentioned how at first you were mad the cops got involved

I'm telling you the other side and how it fell like I was going to lose it all

You explaining to me how your love for me was all about what I could do for you

How since then you haven't even tried to enter anything new

You say you happy that I'm happy and I hear the disappointment in your voice

My eyes are reminding you that you didn't give me a choice

A few texts are exchanged and I realize

The massive intrusion on your illusion was something I surmised

I acknowledge that I could have sent a text

I could have told you what would come next

You telling me by our conversation you've been blessed

And now we should put this whole thing to rest

Now I'm feeling like you trying to make me disappear

You aren't acknowledging how hard I fought to get here

You got me wondering if my intentions were clear

I have questions, you have answers so you can stand to be a little more sincere

So in a panic of not knowing what to do

In a moment of vulnerability and thinking things through

You say "I'm still in love with you."

Over there is nothing but dirty work boots, an unforgiving smile and weed

Take me off this emotional rollercoaster because I'm not having fun

You said I could pick what we do next and now I wish you didn't come

Grace is more then what you say at supper before everyone is about to dig in

If I say I'm sorry and it's genuine you know I'll try my best not to do it again

You saying I'm selfish and you should batter that word and fry it

I gave up you thinking I was saving you from this moment but you still want to try it

You asked me if I would be happier with you and the answer has become abundantly clear

I'm even more angry then where I started because you're screaming my name but no where near here

Can't lift this up in prayer because God doesn't want any part

When it comes to matters of the heart

I thought I wanted a fresh start

Now my life feel likes it's falling apart

Listening to the confused love songs that now flood my mind

Stare into space trying to find

I thought if nothing else we still had time

Or at least that's what you said

I wish you would get out of my head

I wish I could go to bed

Or run through your dreams instead