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Watching Luca (2021) in movie theaters, 3 years after its initial release really invoked something in me.

When I was originally into the movie, it was a year after quarantine and so many shifts and changes were happening not only in my life, but in the world. This movie was there for me, and so was the fandom and the friends I made through it.

Now, I’m 18 and graduating school which felt like it was eons away when I was a huge fan of this movie.

I had forgotten some moments that still caught me by surprise years later. It was refreshing to meet these characters that held such importance to me once again after so many years in an empty movie theater. I think past me would’ve paid attention to every line, every motion, eye movement, and other details during the movie and made some tweet freaking out about it.

Now I get to have the pleasure to watch it for what it is, a kids movie.

The movie presents such a simple theme, exploring the unknown in life. The characters explore life on the surface, having never experienced anything of the sorts. It made me realize how much I had been taking for granted in life. Walking with the ground underneath my feet, tasting my favorite foods, learning about how the Earth spins, and having a family who supports my aspirations. I will now have a reminder in the back of my mind every time I find myself enjoying the simple aspects of life to not take them for granted.

However, another seemingly “simple” theme Luca presents is the theme of friendship. Luca Paguro only has two friends during this entire film, yet so much conflict emerges from this. What seems to be a simple task, to have one friend by your side, proves to be difficult even for kids. Luca and Alberto fight about what they want to get out of life, and conclude that it is impossible to be friends when you are too different from each other.

Surprisingly, the aftermath of the fight did not move me to tears or sadden me. (Don’t get me wrong, my jaw was open when Luca called Alberto a sea monster) I could relate to these kids, sometimes it’s hard to be friends with people who think too differently from you. I could find parts of myself in their positions countless times throughout my life. I would be like Luca, trying to physically do actions to ignite an alliance again. Or on the other hand, I’d be Alberto and blame myself for everything and not attempt to make amends by isolating myself.

Yet, the part that really moved me was when Alberto went back for Luca, who was pushing through the race to prove his loyalty to Alberto. Despite their several disputes, they’re still on each other’s sides. Despite their differences, they still love each other so much to the extent they’d endanger themselves for each other. Despite everything, they still would do anything for one another.

And as displayed in this dramatic gif above, they’d even leave each other for the other to be happy. It is clear throughout the movie Alberto has trouble detaching from Luca and has gone through a very dramatic event in his life regarding his dad abandoning him. Yet in the span of what I’m assuming is two weeks, Alberto meets Luca and his world is changed. He grows as a person, and learns to let the people he loves move away from him.

While one could argue Giulia’s dad is now Alberto’s new father, I’d still like to think Luca had such an affect on Alberto that he helped heal Alberto. This kid he just met had such a hold on him, he learned to be better because of his love for him.

The movie ends with a bittersweet finale. Luca moves away to the big city, attending school with his new friend Giulia to nourish his curiosity and new found love for learning. Alberto stays with Giulia’s dad in Portorosso, becoming a fisherman with him and enjoying the new routine to his life. They live separate lives without each other being there, but still find ways to include each other in their routines. They write letters, describe their new discoveries, and send gifts to each other. They find happiness in this settlement and anticipate the next time they can see each other.

When I left the movie theater and stood waiting for my ride outside in the wind, I felt like a hole had just opened in my chest.

I watched the branches and leaves shake in the wind, just like they did in the movie. I watched people walk by just like they did in the movie. Yet, there was some sort of feeling of envy in me.

I understood the movie’s themes, I understood I should be grateful, I understood it’s hard to navigate relationships. Yet, I was so jealous of these fictional characters getting to walk away with people who loved them so deeply. Something as simple as getting a rusty bike for their friend after winning a kid’s race made me feel so envious. I wanted the chance to prove my love for someone like that or to be the one receiving such admiration.

The last time I watched this movie being 3 years ago, nothing has changed between then and now. I still haven’t found my Luca or Alberto.

And I know, it sounds like I have no friends or I’m not thankful for them. I do have friends and I am extremely grateful for them, but it’s only once in a lifetime are you going to find someone who connects with you as much as those two did. Someone who heals you the way those two did. Someone who stays by your side, no matter your differences ,the way those two did. I’d hate to rush something like that, but I’ve been waiting for the past 3 years for someone to see me the way they saw each other.

Of course, the whole gay-sea monster identity parallel definitely comes into play here. But instead of having someone there to love your identity and understand you, it feels like I’m wanted dead for $300,000 dollars for who I am, like they were at the start of the movie. And also, the city’s population is the population of America.

Although I have been dragging my old age through out this sad movie review/diary entry, I am 18! I am graduating! I will be able to explore a new and different surface above the water that is college without anyone knowing my real identity. I’ll discover new things about the world and myself without anyone holding me back.

Though, I know I cannot rush these things and I won’t find my person the first day of college. I’ll have to wait patiently and trust that destiny connects me with the person I need at the time I’ll need them most.

However, a part of me hopes that one day, I’ll be able watch this movie with my own Luca or Alberto by my side.