There are No Rules for Peace

My body betrays me and I live in constant fear of my own mind. It twists and turns thoughts, scenarios and demons crawl inside.

If there is a way to calm the crippling, it is not in a pill bottle. The green ones, the orange ones; they do nothing to suppress my angst.

Those around me cannot and do not understand my world. I’ve surrounded myself with vampires of the prettiest kind. Only my dogs…

I live in fear of everything and it is no way to live. Is it living, or surviving? 

Today I say the words: 

“I will NOT live in fear!”

Pray the feeling lasts longer than breakfast 

Insert Charlie Brown reference here as he sits before Lucy

Fear, please set me free

If the end of the world is upon me what is it that I should do? 

The crashing in my head wakes me nightly, my heart beating faster than I can bare.

My only solace, the only ones who I love save me from disappearing into the night sky.

Let me alone with my dogs and books, be free.

The good doctor has a pill for whatever ails you: 

• panic – sadness -anxiety – depression – fear

Just name the emotion and they’re got something in their magic bag of tricks to take away all of the “bad” and replace it with pharmaceutical “good”

It’s all smoke and mirrors. 

Lies that they sell you in an effort to keep business running. 

To have you believe that there is a CURE for your particula…

The constant sound of water distracts me from moving forward

I am in trapped in the mud created by the ceaseless downpour that comes from our relationship

Or, has it been brewing internally for more years than I can recall

Paralyzed by thoughts that won’t leave me alone, monsters that hide in the corners of my mind

A tortured soul inside of a fake smile that I wear like a cape

The endless sound…

In the Meantime…

In the meantime, he continues his downward spiral and the world pretends that up is down.

In the meantime, I am stagnate because he makes demands and endless calls that I am far to weak to resist.

This is supposed to be my time to find myself, insert midlife crisis cliche here. I haven’t s clue what the next phase of my life holds and I need to figure it out before I can imagine reuniting with…

He comes over and I chatter away nonstop 

He makes himself comfortable and the dogs greet him with a luxury of kisses

I suggest dinner and a movie, as we had planned but he says that he is not hungry but that I should order

He mentions money, that he needs to watch his – I do not need to watch mine. I attempt to diffuse any concern but can hear the wind steal my words.

He smokes in the bathroom,…

I have never been cured of my terminal grief. 

Each time that I believe that there is any chance, life kicks me in the teeth. 

I will never get over the loss of my father.

I will never get over the loss of my sister, Faith.

And now I add that I will never get over the loss of my fake family. 

I’ve been fooled and betrayed, the pain cuts through my soul. I should have know better, my father warned…

The time has come and you are showing yourselves. You are two-faced, mean and ugly. 

I have been fooled by the magical illusion of a “family” that I would never truly be a member.

It is amazing how quickly you all have turned your backs on me. You tell lies and spin tales in an effort to make the reality appear far different than the truth. 

Betrayed. 

I am wounded and need to hide away until I…

The foolish girl believed that they were family. She felt comfortable enough to consider the woman her mother. What a childish notion.

She turned her back and when things became difficult the woman turned on her. The words were no longer soft and caring, rather they had sharp edges that cut at the girl’s bruised heart. Nobody was who they appeared to be; they never were at all.

Wait until his…

Another Day – Hiding

The heat is oppressive and so I’ve chosen to hide today. 

I am only leaving the house to walk my dogs. The walks are short as the “real feel” tops almost 100 degrees and the humidity makes it difficult to breathe.

I am a bit less lonely today, not to say that it is much of an improvement. 

The husband continues to call and I dodge about a third of his calls. He’s not pleased that I refuse to see…

Being apart is impossible when he keeps drawing us together and I am too weak to say NO. He still lives elsewhere but with the exception of ONE day, we have seen one another each day. This must change because I am NOT healing. He calls endlessly, some are benign and others are entwined with the weeds of his illness. 

Of course I am depressed and lonely, I’m human. Yes – Feeling sorry for myself…

Hiding inside on the sofa with my dogs

All alone

There is no port in this storm, no safe place for this lonely girl

All alone

Beyond frightened, I don’t know what is next

I don’t know what is now

Except fear, sadness and my sweet dogs

Dear Dad,

Did you expect this to happen, for this to be my future? Certainly you could not have predicted that your family would have left me as well. Did you believe that I was really as strong as I pretended? I am not.

It is just me and my dogs now. Everyone else is an illusion, they will pretend for only so long as they need my assistance with him. They will act the part long enough to ease…

I Can’t Sleep

It’s the deep middle of the night and my mind is at full speed despite all of the medication. 

Do I take more little pills, feed the problem or suffer, unable to keep the wheels still? 

On the sofa with my dogs, my bed is not a comfort, the television is white noise. 

Questions pour from my brain that have no answers. My monsters and demons taunt me at nearly 5:00am. 

I haven’t the concentration…

Here It Comes…

Here it comes…

I can feel it in my bones as the chill of anxiety builds. There are no correct answers no matter my response. His reaction cannot be measured or guessed, certainly not by me.

Here it comes…

Back at home he will find the walls closing in on him and his mood will change with the wind. The clocks will cease, leaving me to stare at their frozen hands and begging them to nudge. His…

He bought me an expensive necklace weeks after my birthday while manic. 

Today I asked him to return it despite the 6% fee. 

It was beautiful and under other circumstances I would have cried with joy upon receiving the diamond necklace; but I am not there right now.

I am not the person who gets that gift from her husband because he is not that husband. 

As I said,

He purchased it a few nights ago…