sometimes i say the dumbest things.

this one is never not funny

Hit reblog on this so hard

SHOUT OUT TO KRISTEN BELL’S MOM THOUGH? WHAT KIND OF FANTASTIC SELF-AWARE PARENTING, WELL DONE MA'AM

This gives me unnecessary amounts of anxiety

@rachielena

the real engagement pair is long mug + uncomfortable teapot, matching both girth and color

wish i was a cat. soft & warm & fat. in a little wizard hat.

this post is especially good when read as a haiku

ok so the other day i was at sears. I was in the baby section. Im standing there looking at clothes and a lady who works there comes up and is like “oh are you expecting?” And i was like “uhhhh” and because im a dumbass i was like “no i already delivered.” And she was like “How long ago?” And i was just like “two weeks.” And she said “wow! You look great! When i had my first son, i looked like a mess for six months. Is it a boy or a girl?” And i was just awkwardly like “a girl….” And she asked her name and i said Chernobyl and she was like “oh what a cute name! It sounds really familiar.” And i honestly just stood there going through all that and pretending i had a human baby two weeks ago named Chernobyl because i didnt wanna tell this poor lady i was buying baby clothes for my fucking baby opossum

every time i see this text post i forget the ending and every single time it decimates me

its that time of year

Every time this comes up again im like “thats such a good deal.”

What an adorable start to a murder

CROW BABIES

bold of you to talk shit about crows so openly like they won’t find you and beat your ass

Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.

Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny

OP is right and they should say it

I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so

And you just know that right around the corner that crow got into his faded orange VW Kombi van with the surfboards strapped on top and hit the beach.

This crow is 100% fucking around for no reason other than to fuck around. Birds have two main gaits depending on where they live - they put one foot in front of the other if they live on the ground, or they hop if they live in the trees. Crows live on the ground, and thus walk. They have no reason to hop like this, and they aren’t wired or built to move like this naturally. They might hop to quickly avoid danger that’s very limited, like a car tire coming at them, or to get up onto the curb, but this sort of motion has no purpose other than being fun.