Tumblr pls

So I wouldn't even answer this ask EXCEPT it's a fantastic example of someone who hates you and wants you to undermine your cause pretending to be on your side, so let's go through the points.

1.) Makes the assertion that you've already failed eight months in advance. Wants you to give up and give in because you think the cause is already lost.

2.) Implies that everyone else is secretly gonna do it, so you may as well too. Wants to chip away at your resolve.

3.) Claims to be on your side and therefore a trustworthy source.

4.) "Boycotts don't work." Demonstrably they do, as long as people are organized and persistent. Look at how Target and Starbucks are sweating and begging people to come back. Boycotts work.

HBO, the dragon-fucking, mobster murdering, gang cussword network does not have a lot of play with parents, or the general public. At best, they're third fiddle to Disney and Netflix, and HP is an obvious play for them to steal market share and shed their historical perception (see also: Sesame Street)

Production is clocking in around $100 million per episode. This thing is primed to be a failure. If it does anything less than the absolute best numbers of any TV show in the last decade, it is a failure.

A huge portion of their built in audience has less than zero interest in supporting this project, and will actively shit talk it to whomever wants to hear.

Again, Harry Potter is so uncool right now. I know it's been 30 years almost since the first film, but it's been less than 20 since the last one, not counting the Fantastic Beasts. It's only been four years since a Harry Potter was released! We've had, on average, one film every two and a half years.

In the spirit of "my uncle who works at Ninetendo", I have a ... let's say friend of a friend? ... who used to work at WB. And oh, honey. The TEA.

So a number of years ago, this friend was on the team tasked with figuring out whether a new HP series was financially viable. They had the ACTUAL streaming numbers, the subscriber data, the parks stuff, all the shit companies don't release. Their job was to gauge the popularity of HP, break it down by what does and doesn't make money, and determine whether new HP was worth the investment (because it would NOT be cheap).

The numbers, my loves, were catastrophic.

Yes, HP makes WB a lot of money. But it is NOSTALGIA money. MILLENNIAL nostalgia money. The people buying house scarves and theme park tickets are reliving their own childhoods, and we're not making any more 80s/90s babies, are we? No, we are not. And millennials' kids want nothing to do with this shit, and most millennials don't have as much money as you'd expect to spend on nostalgia in the first place. The only people engaging with this shit are the hardcore fans (a shrinking population due to JKR's shit parade) and people who might buy a Harry Potter chocolate bar on clearance because it's cheap chocolate. The hardcore fans already have their streaming subscriptions, and the cheap-chocolate crowd aren't going to get them for HP. There is also the very real chance that a shitty remake will tarnish memories of the original films, thereby reducing THEIR value. It was concluded that the best strategy was to shut up and keep profiting off the old stuff.

So why, I asked friend-of-friend, is a new series coming out now?

Now, FOF no longer works there. They are not privy to the inside scoop on this series. They told me so. And so I asked them to speculate, on the basis of zero inside knowledge: why now?

They started snickering.

And they told me that anyone who's worked anywhere near David Zaslav is convinced that this series only exists because he wants his name on an HP thing. That's it. This is a vanity project for DAVID FUCKING ZASLAV. It's going to fail, but it'll fail with his name on it, and that's all that matters. Its whole purpose is to buff Zaslav's ego.

redraw timeee!!

-the rightful heir is a baby and they can tell it’s the right baby because of a giant birthmark on his asscheek

-the main character’s only talent is singing and the rest of the pseudo robin-hood group just kinda tolerate him because he repeatedly fucks up

-he gets hypnotized into believing he is this amazing swashbuckling sword fighting hero along the lines of Wesley from the Princess Bride and ends up fighting the villain while snapping in and out of hypnosis

-the vessel with the pestle has the pellet with the poison, the chalice with the palace has the brew that is true “what”

-he stumbles his way through the entire plot and never knows what the hell is going on

-Danny Kaye is the funniest motherfucker you’ve never heard of

He chortled his way through it and pronounced you all correct and then lost his shit when I showed him my favorite backstage photograph: