passively impatient

here is a small collection of journal entries, some digital, some physical

i want to put myself out there, both for my personal reflection and to document my day to day. maybe you’ll find comfort in my words, or find them relatable. maybe not, but either way, i’m here.

life is moving fast, but sometimes it feels nice to take things slow and realize what i’m feeling in the moment, whether that be lighthearted or daunting. i’m here to untangle the strings of my life, and make my passion available to the world

i hadn’t seen myself as the type to keep a journal- especially a public, digital one, but here i am.

that doesn’t make it right.

i could go on living —

it doesn’t mean i don’t think about it.

i miss what we had,

but i don’t want it back.

you’re with someone else now —

don’t repeat your cruelties.

they may not be as strong as i was;

your careless hands could wound them

in the exact ways you wounded me.

my scars stay tender.

your pitiful face peels them open—

don’t do that to someone new.

be smarter this time.

don’t break what used to be whole.

they deserve better.

you have good taste—use it kindly.

may what you touch turn to gold,

it feels strange to still be part of your life—

to watch your successes and feel happy,

but know you’ll never see mine.

to know you see me, but never truly see me.

you celebrate in my presence, but never with me.

you don’t think of me anymore.

you just know i’ll be there,

cheering you on.

but when it’s my turn to be cheered for—

you’re nowhere to be found.

i miss what we used to be,

before you said i ruined it,

then kept me around to make yourself feel better.

i miss who you were to me,

if i knew our time together had an expiration date—

a phrase i’d say to turn it belly up,

i would have been so much more careful.

i would have tiptoed across broken glass

for another day of your love.

if the words had never left my mouth,

my fingers had never danced across my screen frantically,

i could have known the heaven you built for me

in your arms once more.

but this too will pass.

i’ll miss you for my life, it seems,

but i’ll never be upset at you.

i know why you left,

and i understand.

The steady rhythm of his heart as it drums against my cheek,

I am the silence between words, the shared smiles of two souls intertwined.

I am the blanket of comfort his presence provided,

the warmth I didn't know I was waiting for,

The breath I was finally able to let go.

I am the hope that I mattered- the impression that I did,

even for a second, the spark starting in my heart and spreading.

He is the ache of knowing it won't last, the pang of guilt, the jolt of dismay.

He holds heavy against my light precense, but I know that even for a moment-

it’s all i had wanted for weeks,

to feel safe inside your grip

instead of unsafe from your grip

on my sanity.

you held me close like you hadn’t ignored me for days,

like you actually cared.

you treated me so well in the moment,

but i knew you’d forget me again.

i forgot, for a second, how your cycle works—

to hold me, to cherish me, to kiss me goodbye.

a kiss less of lovers,

more the kiss of death:

“i had a great time—

i’ll text you when i need you again in a month.”

your scent lingered on me,

a reminder of how you once held me close.

now i scrub it off,

the way i try to scrub off

who doesn’t have to fight to be loved

who doesn’t need to sell pieces of themselves

for an sliver of what they’re owed

to put so much in

and not get any back

is life joyful when someone can see you as their future

rather than a check point?

why do i have to fight

to feel deserved

every photo of myself a cry for help

every outfit reveal a plea for attention

even if you learned to love me

you’d only love the me i made for you

every detail a mirage

every smile perfectly framed

every piece of me posed

never truly relaxed-

just carefully placed

on the eggshells you make me walk

can’t be too interested

can’t be too distant

so i stay somewhere in between,

quietly hoping that one day,

your smell lingers,

but your presence doesn’t.

why does the idea of you feel better

than the reality—

the lack—of you?

when you need me, i see you.

but when i need you, i’m lost and alone.

a relationship goes both ways,

so why am i driving down a one-lane street?

why does your affection cling to me

even when your attention is long gone?

fingers that once traced my skin

now scroll through messages from other girls.

our spark has long since burned out,

so why am i still chasing you—

while you chase anyone

who won’t run into your arms

like i once did,

but straight under your sheets?

i gave you everything

for nothing in return.

maybe that says more about me

a different name,

the same story.

i’d share my heart with you,

but you just want my body.

i’d give you my affection,

but you just want my attention.

i always think it will be different,

but it’s the same old game.

you press start,

then drop the controller.

you seemed lost,

and i thought you wanted to know me—

i thought you cared.

but you only wanted to look like you did,

just long enough to find your way

under my clothes.

it’s painfully clear you’ve moved on,

but i still find myself hanging on-

stuck to the idea of what could have been-

the feeling of you

after seven years-

when all the cells

have changed

and none of me has touched you.

just like you did.

when you got tired

of the feeling of me on you.

you changed,

you moved,

you left,

when i wanted you to stay.

even after seven years,

my body will have forgotten,

as time replaces all of me,

once a message i looked forward to receiving

a person i missed with every moment

someone i longed to feel in my arms again

they have turned into somebody that i no longer speak to

i miss them on nights like these

alone in my room

missing the feeling of them

but there are days i resent them

someone i used to need to survive

is now just a view on my story

just a thought in my head

i know that they do not think of me the way i think of them

do they miss me?

after all i’ve done for you

after all i’ve shared

do you not remember the girl i used to be?

the girl who gave you her all

when she didn’t have it to give

the girl who waited by the phone for you

who spent her days with you

who texted you even when she was busy

because she knew it made you happy

the girl who burnt herself out

just to be by your side

the girl who forgot how to be on her own

do you remember the way i used to smile?

the way i would share my all with you?

did you ever stop to think

that you stole my sunshine?

my days grew gloomy

my mind felt achy

you dropped me like a child does a toy

they have no interest in anymore

you took my affections and hid them away

then had the audacity to call me cold

when the paper is blank, what do you write?

what kind of image do you choose to find?

there’s beauty everywhere—if you look.

whether you choose to make it,

or seek it out.

so if you could,

what kind of mark would you leave?

given a canvas,

what would you draw?

an inspiring message or a hate crime?

a symbol of peace, or of turmoil?

given a piece of my story—

how would you write?

would you leave your mark,

filling me with warmth and joy,

or carve into me,

leaving behind nothing but bare bones?

will you see me as something to care for,

or something to dismantle?

tamper with me, toy with me—

make me yours.

i hope you find my beauty.

if not,

i suppose i’ll know—

when you’ve taken all i gave,

yet i come back to you like an old friend.

is it my fault for making the same mistakes,

or yours for always being there to help me relapse?

you were my gateway drug to love,

the high that made me feel wanted again.

put the cold needle through my skin—

help me feel loved again.

it’s not your fault i’m addicted

to the way you make me feel,

but every day, i wish i could stop

this mindless addiction.

pull me out of my reality,

drag me into a daydream.

let me feel you all over my body—

the rush of your air,

the beating of your heart.

let me indulge in your willingness

It's harder to treat yourself the way you want to be treated. It's hard to find the ability within yourself to be able to see what must be done and do something about it.

You have to be okay with accepting what you find wrong with yourself and working towards fixing that.

You have to be okay with being wrong, and finding things wrong with yourself.

It will be extremely difficult to do so, and fixing these things will take time. In the long run, you have to do it.

If you hurt yourself with the pain of bettering and maturing, then somebody else can't come along and hurt you.

I remember the times I allowed myself to be yelled at by someone, simply because I was too afraid of losing someone from my life, even if it hurt me. 

 I was recently hurt by someone, and I took that as, "I did something wrong", all because they did not have the maturity within themselves to treat me the same way they wanted to be treated.

And neither did I.

I cannot say what they were looking for, as I will never know, but I do know that I can no longer beat myself up for being treated differently than I wanted to be treated.

I was hurt because I allowed myself to be blindsided by prospect rather than look at reality.

I was not able to be honest with myself until tonight.

I am going to work towards being someone who can see reality and a situation at hand, rather than someone who so badly yearns for something that cannot be given to me, that I ignore obvious signs.

Not only will I treat others with respect, I will treat myself with respect.

i felt joy i had never known,

experiences i thought would never be mine—

our night felt like a movie,

it’s a shame it’s already ended.

you showed me so much of you,

you made me believe you wanted me, too.

you held my heart in your hands,

only to toss it away.

you built me a home in your life,

and made a place for me—

if only just for a night.

the next day, it was like you forgot

all that we shared before.

you didn’t want me anymore.

had i done something wrong?

i do not know where i stand.

why must you be so distant?

i yearn to tell you how much i loved that night,

but i don’t want to scare you away—

the way you’ve scared me.

you lit a fire within me

and left it to tend itself.

now i sit in the dark,