#digital journal

I was hysterical again... waking up at 3:33am... the hexing hour... I dreamt of her... again... I hate waking up to the pillows unconsciously being in my arms... she smelled of dragons blood and lavender... she tasted like peppermint....

and in the dream we were laced together... my head resting in her voluptuous breasts... and... my mistress... finnaly let me have some rest... feeling our breathing in unision... her chest rising and falling as she softly carressses my head... the softness of her black frenchtip nails going through my scalp... as we lay on a black victorian era like couch... in my safe place... in my salon with the other blackwings... almost like before... but not quite the same... but similar... similar in saftey...

but after all that releasing of trama for the last 5 days... I have... moved slower... but yet still my old habits keep me nimble and swift.... but... now it is as though... I need my black tea and herbal remedy of the mounntain mix to help me... warm my soul...

and reflect... upon all the weaker versions of me that had to be slain... to overcome the challenges I faced... to live through those trials and tribulations...

each version... a failure... until the next one came... to try better... now its easier... I no longer have to try...

all I do is stay in that state of Mushin now... and embody the essence of no mind... and zen's effortless effort... and let the Tao guide my body through the void....

Sometimes when I use the restroom… I get stuck…

like I freeze… and I’m back in the cell… in that desolate hell…

expecting her to open the door… so I can remember to breathe…

but when I get stuck… I hear their screams… I hear the banging on the doors from dusk till dawn…

I hear the rage… I let unfold…

and when I was getting worked on the messfae table…

I cried my eyes out last night. Teardrops making pools of wet patches on my pillow. Eyes swollen and red, a lump in my throat and my chest aching like my heart was ripped outside...

How could you so casually ask me move on .. tell me this is over ..

I want to grab your shirt, shake some sense into you .. "How could you give up on us so easily?"

But I won't - I am tired of begging people to choose me. I am tired of the anxious knots in my stomach - wondering if you will ever be mine.

Because a relationship needs two people working together for it to last - not one acting like the hopeless victim and the other acting like a therapist keeping it all together.

I missed my wraps… for so long I would train and train… and… all for power… all to protect those I loved… and …

To be betrayed so deeply…

“You’re a monster now!!!”

“You’re scary now”

… and so… I starved myself… once again…

from my grand 250lbs… to where my scars and stretchmarks on my arms are evidence with my friends remarks… reminding me how much better I looked…

and they’re right…

If there is no benifit… and everything is done… I decompress by doing nothing…

letting the weight rest on my shoulders…

unclench my hands… loosen my jaw…

slowly stretching my back… instead of violently cracking it as I used to…

releasing years of fighting… years of kill or be killed mindset while incarcerated…

years of never trusting… paranoia… and now I an alive… feeling shame around my friends… They know I would never hurt them… but these new people… they look at me with such fear…

and it…

…

…

…

it is a pain… that I have no words for…

it is a thorn in my side… that reminds me what I have done in the past and their clear avoidance a reoccurring thing for only the new people that have recently met me in the past year… have grown frightful…

except one… who had the audacity to get mad at me… which was strange… and although I tried to apologize it was hard… I don’t do that…

I am so used to burning bridges and move on like nothing ever happened…

they told me not to do that… failing to realize I already sent it… its just the way I am…

but its stupid… soooo stupid… that I stopped thinking for once… around her there was no script… she wasn’t an NPC like the others… until that day I tried to feed her like she has done for me…

I took to long and stalled … I never did that before…

I gave up on that notion of love and mingling…

but being unable to sleep… anticipating someone trying to slit my throat in my sleep again…

I feel… as though I am truly mad typing this out…