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Fuck it, it's 10PM and there's a tornado watch so I am hunched over on my bathroom floor with sirens blaring. This is the worst, longest, most dragged on, least character developed, poorly written book I have ever read in the 26 years I have the misery to call "life". This book is actually so bad that I had to pull out my laptop to write an even more scathing review of it. Just a couple points:

This book starts off with NO trigger warning (in the KU version at least). There is just a note from the author saying this book will ChAnGE UR LyFe!!! and to say GOODBYE to the person you were before you read it! Man. I do miss the Caps from before this book. So sweet. So innocent. Anyways this book has MULTIPLE content warnings that the author gleefully skipped over, including sexual assault, harassment, attempted rape, sexism, murder, fantasy racism and mentions of genocide. Whee! Changed for sure!

The characters are so weak if I blinked they would blow over from the breeze of my thin white girl eyelashes. We have SO MANY instances of Tempura (Temperance is a DUMBASS name) saying I AM BRAVE AND NOT WEAK and then being weak. She pouts when Carpet is mean to her, or lies, and then she mopes to Leo, who comforts her and flirts with her (and she flirts BACK?!?) and then she goes back to Cambry. The snake boy is also dumb as hell and he isn't even the ACTUAL Snake King. that's his dad. Who she bangs in front of Corbin and his whole family. Anyways Calender is SO GOOD AT SEX OH MAH GAWD and he has banged many women relentlessly but then he LOOKS at this twenty year old and gives her a claw buttplug telepathic dildo because just seeing her changed his life. Also Tailgate decided she loves them both and proceeds to flirt with both men, get engaged to them both, and lead them on without, you know, telling them. Coriander also knowingly is teaching Torrence to be good at sex for the prince and then gets pissy when she, you know, does it. Oh. And she has FRECKLES U GUISE. No one else does! Wow! So original! Also she's A VIRGIN WOW and thus somehow the best at sex because spoiler she's half basilisk wow shocker) and she's like WHATS THIS CALLED while pointing at her vagina. She's TWENTY. In a VERY sex/fertility based society.

Leo and Temperature's mother did not deserve this bullshit. She constantly dogs on her mother for being a SINGLE MOM and is so busy getting rammed by the telepathic dildo claw that she feigns being sick to send her mother into a town that HATES HER. Like more than they hate Teal or whatever the fuck her dumbass name is.

Okay so the stereotypes are horrible. She has a Hispanic coded gay best friend who is mean and sassy and slutty, and the village favorite and resident bully, Vera (who everyone hates but apparently is the "village favorite"?) is plus size ("curvy") and the only bully. And blonde. And there are ACTUAL villains in this book and Tem is like "WAAAH this Regina George wannabe is worse than them". Strong and independent, my ass.

There's this bad guy. Rowe. Right? He's mean and evil and yadda yadda. Anyways Torque can't figure out with her dumb dumb girl brain why he hates Cupid. Turns out. Central "crested" Rowe's dad (which is where the snakes give someone such a powerful orgasm they TAKE OVER THEIR MIND?? Unless I misread that??) and thus. Rowe hates him. And Tem by extension. His dick gets ripped off.

The world building sucks. Example:

Everyone worships the goddess of fertility, and all pray to her, and have the same depiction of her... across species over entire centuries? The one goddess?

Men are expected to be good at sex and women are too but women are shamed and harassed and called whores. Which like, isn't inaccurate from real life, but in a society built on sex...? And one that has worshiped sex? Typically don't have a regressive view on women being sexual??

Also, in a society that fears basilisk, where Roosters are the number one way of scaring them off and everyone is buying roosters and chickens from Tailspin and her mom... Why are they frowned upon? They're called "Chicken Shit" (and Tem is told her v@gina thus, tastes like Chicken Shit by Vera), they're looked down on for being farmers... They should be rolling in the dough if everyone is trying to buy roosters from them.

Little tangent on the previous: the king hates Tummy and even says, in front of Leo, "ew, chicken girl, you don't want her because she's a working class bitch" (that's paraphrasing). But he's... fine with just all the OTHER village working class girls? And like yeah, he dated her mom, but why do they not call the kingdom next door and work out a political marriage? This would strengthen them against the basilisks? But no that's called "thinking" and something that the author cannot take the courtesy to extend to her readers.

Okay, let's talk about the basilisks then. Their "form" isn't a snake. Just hot people who are naked with big pwenises and bewbs, and they get... shadowy and have scales. And they lost the war to humans centuries ago and the king at the time told them... to teach village girls how to BONE?? That's IT? Not enslave them? Not sell them to other kingdoms for higher up marriages? Not try to incorporate them into society as sex workers and warriors, which they are formidable as? Like that's ALL the king thought to do with them? When they get Horny they also HISS?? Miss ma'am. Have you MET a snake?? Ugh. Also oh tem is so hot she makes ALL the snakes horny.

The sex was awful. Every time is OH SO SPECIAL and OH THE BEST O SHE HAS EVER HAD and OH ALL THE DIQUES ARE SO LONG and OH THIS MOMENT IS SO IMPORTANT my guy it is mediocre at best. also. she has so much sex at the snake orgy (or as I have dubbed, "snorgy") that her vagina starts to bleed and her pelvis breaks. Good. Fucking. God. This is the most booktok sex I have ever seen and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible.

Anyways if I keep going, I'll just have more to say. Do yourself a favor and do not read this book unless you are high, you are dead, or both. This is 600 pages of bullshittery with no trigger warnings and this book made me go to the exotic meat store, buy snake, fry it, and eat it because that is all this book made me want to do. Eat snakes. And not in the sexy way.