come into my parlor

Two things helped me to fall in love with mani-pedis and skin creams and click-clacking around in dramatically slanted stilettos in my 20s, despite rejecting these sartorial amusments growing up. One was that I was making cash money to do it, which was much more motivating than the Seventeen magazines and peer pressures of my adolescence. Second, I was surrounded by beautiful naked women encouraging me to develop my own style. Most of my colleagues were much more experienced with makeup, hair, lingerie, jewelry, heels, nails, lotion, and perfume, much more confident in products, styling, shapes, and colors than I was. Some of them were sweetly excited about my ineptitude, eagerly turning me into a doll they could experiment on. I smelled the sizzle of flat irons as they tugged at my hair from behind, I squeezed eyelash glue nervously along the rinds of falsies as they timed me, I sat on the cold linoleum and snapped their garters into place every day for weeks until I could do it with my eyes closed. As their hands and tools stroked my body, conditioning me in more ways than one, I felt an ASMR buzz all over. If I felt objectified, it was as an exalted precious object, like a car being tuned up under my hood, my exteriors waxed until I shined.

A colleague turned to me out of the blue one day, snapping, “What is your skin care routine?” When I sheepishly replied that I had none, she marched me into the bathroom, sternly showing me how to cleanse, moisturize, and always wear sunscreen. I have done this every single day since. That’s all it took for me to learn to care for myself in this way. A little feminine superiority.

If this sounds familiar, it should. Despite being assigned female at birth, I was just as enchanted as any dude could have been by confident pros guiding me into a realm of prettiness, and I needed every bit as much coaching. I would get femme trained by my colleagues, and minutes later I would lead clients into session rooms and train them to be femme too.

I’m hardly the first person to observe that drag is drag no matter your resting gender, your genitals, your orientation, your motivation. Not to put too fine a point on it, but most sex workers know we are drag artists. Much in the same way that pro wrestlers exaggerate their own masculinity, the dominatrix is a femme maximalist entertainer. The fact that a cis woman can feel like a drag queen speaks to the performative nature of gender expression, of both drag as an art and cross-dressing as a fetish. By and large, my cross-dressing clients didn’t want to be women. They wanted to be bimbos! They embodied their own ideas of insatiable sluts and campy cartoons. Maximalist girls, exaggerated girls, megawatt girls. They wanted satin corsets, jewel tones, iridescent glitter, fishnets, freesia body spray. They spoke like Betty Boop and did their best to stiffly dance along to Prince songs. They saw this glamour as sparkling dynamite to bust them out of the prison of their toxic masculinity, even if just for a few hours, even if only superficially.

I didn’t find these fantasies a reminder of the awful pressures of girliness I had initially rejected; gender-bending in the dungeon showed me that I had been positioned to see femme all wrong. The bimbo is an archetype, a shimmering human invention waiting to be embodied by anyone who cares to summon her. It’s the choice to play with gender as an adult, as opposed to a lifetime of imposed messaging about what kind of gender you can and can’t be, that generates the erotic pleasures of cross-dressing.

I enjoyed being bullied into girliness by my fellow pro-dommes, so I empathized with our clients, regardless of the gender trajectory that led us to femme power play. All of the qualities that we expressed as feminine—from soft clothes to luscious scents to sucking cock—had belonged to all of us the whole time. I get why a cis dominatrix wouldn’t want to participate in forced feminization. I also get why many trans people, trans women in particular, find the existence of transvestitism to be so painful. When you have to fight so hard every day for the fundamental dignity and civil rights of your gender, it can be agonizing to see someone treat that gender as frivolous. Cross-dressing clients were often annoyingly reductive, like young adults on rumspringa, gorging themselves on the sugar high of femininity after being denied it for so long. It was clear to me that some of these fetishists liked cross-dressing sessions because it happened to be the variation on humiliation that their submissive tendencies had alighted on, emasculation being one of a hundred ways of having your social status lowered by a dominatrix. Others would have liked to wear dresses and bubblegum-flavored lip gloss more often, including in situations where they weren’t necessarily aroused. Still others weren’t actually cross-dressers at all, but closeted or crypto-transgender women. The kinky space was the only one they knew where they could be themselves using what they saw as a safe, private, and limited method. Some of them would transition eventually, and some would keep that part of themselves compartmentalized their entire lives. All three of these categories of person deserve the space to explore their gender expression through erotic fantasy.

Some cross-dressing fetishists are cis. Some trans women are butch. Some drag artists are straight. There’s no one way to do or be any of these things, and while we can experiment with identity through art and erotics, we shouldn’t conflate persona with personhood. Most importantly, trans people of all kinds deserve an existence that is both sexually liberated and not constantly sexualized. I would love to report that we have reached the point in the gender revolution where cross-dressing is redundant because there is nothing to cross. But erotics are still a viable way for us to explore who we really are, or would like to be.”]

a sillygirl's guide to being better bait with improv comedy

(OR: I Promise You're A Better Hypnotist/Subject Than You Think)

i've had a few conversations on here and off here before about how improv and kink have just so much in common. you don't need me to tell you how kinky improv is! even if you don't intuitively see the similarities between a kink scene and an improv scene, at least you have to admit that, like, game changer is kind of hot, right? at least in concept?

come on. don't tell me you've never thought about hypothetical tgirl game changer where the players are allowed to bleed and cry and bite and moan. just me???? okay whatever. point is once you see this comparison, you'll notice it all over both. and as someone who's been through a bunch of improv classes, there's a lot of good stuff i've learned that i was able to turn around and apply right back to being better at hypnosis on both sides of the pendulum!

I. THE IMMERSIVE THEATER

(GAME CHANGER | SEASON 7, EPISODE 1)

if you think that a kink scene is only and always about letting a dom "go wild" on a sub who's not contributing anything except to be a warm body, you're missing out on some of the most fun parts of kink. but in hypnosis circles, i see a lot of expectations that circle around that idea of a hypno scene as a hypnotist doing Their Thing after Dropping A Sub Into Trance to make them agree to Whatever! and that's a fun narrative sometimes, but it is a narrative. every scene has a story, because you're exploring a power dynamic that (usually) isn't your 24/7 actual completely serious dynamic with each other. you're imagining something -- and when you're imagining together, it always flows better if you're on the same page.

in improv class, something they drilled into our heads over and over again was that a scene should have a who, a where, and a what. who are these people, and who are they to each other? where are they? what are they doing? what do each of them want? i'm not sitting here asking you to consider Themes and Narrative Arcs in your hypnosis scenes (yet), but even when you're not consciously thinking about this you are unconsciously building these types of assumptions in your head. just existing in the world and doing literally anything makes you someone in a place doing something who wants something. if you don't communicate these things to your partner, they might assume your answers are different -- and you might assume things about them, too!

if you've ever tried to get hypnotized and you feel like you didn't go under, you probably didn't feel immersed. immersion is how improvisers can get up on stage and play make-believe with each other without making a confusing, contradictory mess -- because they've practiced listening to each other, remembering what their partner's saying both verbally and non-verbally, and building off of each other's communication. if you've ever done improv with a wonderful scene partner, you know exactly how amazing this feels -- there you are, on stage in front of people, but the audience just melts away and you feel magically, truly transported into the world you're creating! what your character says just pops into your head, and you don't have to sit there and think about the funniest thing every time you open your mouth. you just talk, live out your character, do your object work with your hands, and bam. the audience loves it, you love it, your scene partner loves it, and both of you get put under that spell for a while.

that's the thing about hypnosis scenes that i really want people to take away: like an improv scene, when it works, the magic hits both people. hypnotizing others shouldn't just be you sitting there rattling off a script or doing all the work while your partner just receives, unless that's what you've both agreed that you really like. the more your partner gives back to you, the more you can lose yourself in your own role as a dom -- and then you get to enjoy the addicting power fantasy of being the one in control of someone else's whole reality!

in the improv classes i've taken, giving your scene partner details they can expand on was always called giving gifts. that's the mindset you should bring into hypno scenes as a sub: how can i give gifts to my hypnotist so they know what to build off of? if you're a hypnotist, you obviously know your gift's The Hypnosis, but you oughta be asking yourself: how can i put those gifts to good use?

improv is spellbinding and magical to me in a way that's different from reading a script, because i really have to lose myself in the character. in the same way, a hypnosis scene without a script -- that flows from the gifts the parties give to each other -- is, in my opinion, much more effective! the more you personalize what you're doing to each other, the more fun you'll have, because you'll be really immersed. if you've been having trouble with either side of the equation, that might just be what you were missing!

II. AUDIO LURES, ANXIETY CURES

(MAKE SOME NOISE | SEASON 2, EPISODE 15)

so we know we want to take some advantage from improv and focus on trying to give gifts to each other -- instead of it just being a one-way thing. as a sub, how do you do that? as a hypnotist, how do you work with that? you don't have to be an improv genius to do this, because the most important part is just having the concept in your head. my fellow subjects, i'll talk to you first, 'cause people tend to tell me i'm really, really good at this. i'm going to say this in the silliest way possible. you see that screencap up there? it tells you exactly what you need to know. not in brennan's latest rant, although it's relevant, but in the show title.

if you're getting hypnotized, fucked, dommed, or otherwise are the sub, you know what you gotta do?

MAKE! SOME! NOOIIIISE!

and i KNOW that's silly. i know that's obvious. like. yeah, of course you're gonna be moaning or whatever when the hot stuff happens. but it's more than that! because the sounds you make as a sub are really, REALLY good feedback about what works and what doesn't. i'm kind of a freak about this, so i tend to think of the sounds i make and the motions i do in an almost game design-y way. i want to train my hypnotist to do the things i like, so i condition them with a reward: when they do a thing i particularly enjoy, i make a little hum or a moan-squeak or something that shows i'm really, really engaging with that particular thing. even if i'm so blissed out that i can't form a single word, i can at least make a happy little "hmm~" with the last of my breath if they use a particularly engaging turn of phrase or touch me somewhere i really like.

even if you don't do a session recap -- and session recaps are always a good idea, because they're a really good way to do aftercare and help figure out what worked and didn't or what you weren't able to say in the moment -- the hypnotist will know, on some level or another, a list of everything that worked. and the best part is that because this is an audio method, you can do it over voice calls. no video required! sure, being in person or seeing each other helps have additional forms of feedback, but if you can hear each other, you too can get obsessed with sound design.

"what if we're typing?" keymash. or use an emoji. or have other ways of signifying what really works. the point is to communicate!

"i'm trying to stop thinking, not think harder! won't doing that distract me from going under?" nope, and this is something else i really want to emphasize. improv artists don't have to deliberately consider every line or every gift or every word they say, because they practice and build up the habit of automatically responding to each other's stuff.the first few times you ever get hypnotized, you won't know right away what you're gonna respond to. you'll already be scrutinizing yourself, scrutinizing your actions, and scrutinizing you feel, because you're unconsciously asking yourself: "am i in trance yet?" instead, with each new thing, you should be looking for: "did i feel something in response to this?"

it'll build up over time. your hypnotist says a phrase you like, and you realize it's got you feeling a little sleepier. why not make a little sound? your hypnotist snaps next to your ears and your hair stands on end. good time to go "a-ah..." and roll your head a bit. it can be subtle! but don't keep those responses to yourself. the more you make them, the more your hypnotist will know what to do -- and the more you'll know what works on you! because that's the thing:

hypnosis works on pure belief. if you think it'll work, it'll work, and "thinking it'll work" means getting immersed.

the best way to feel like someone's in your head is to let yourself communicate on autopilot, and build up the habit 'til you don't need to think about it at all. you just give your gifts, do your sounds, make your reactions, and watch your hypnotist play you like an instrument. aren't you happy you gave them some time to tune you? look at you, sweetheart! you're playable now. you've got mechanics. you're a pliable, soft little thing, and now your hypnotist can use those mechanics to achieve creative new goals and take your scenes in new directions you adore.

and hypnotists! i do that too so i understand how fucking scary it can be to hypnotize someone without a plan! and i know you're tempted to bring a script in. i know you're tempted to take one induction and apply it to everyone. and that definitely has its place, because if you have an induction method that you love -- or that you know works really well on a variety of people -- you should keep using it, because then you can compare how different subjects react to different things and play with those dials 'til you send them spiraling up into the clouds!

at first, this'll be a little stressful. you'll feel like you're trying to learn a new game. but if your sub gives you a good tutorial on how to play them, then you'll find it easier and easier to slip into a hypnotizing mood and follow those signs, almost unconsciously, doubling down with each sound like you're the one hearing the hypnotic triggers... because even the hypnotist goes under. even the hypnotist gets lost in the spell. even the hypnotist gets enchanted by the rhythm, lost in the feedback, conditioned to be so, so good at being confident. you might be terrified, anxious, or otherwise powerless in your day-to-day, but here... it's like a game you've mastered. you know the signals. your muscle memory knows what to do. activate "hypnotist mode," and you'll experience a bliss like nothing else out there.

III. THE DOM SHORTAGE ISN'T FUCKING REAL

(THE BRICK WALL TALKS POLITICS)

imagine being an improv comedian-- no, baby, shhh, stop shaking, it's okay. you're just imagining. i still love you, sweetie. no, no, you're not annoying, i promise, it's just... stay with me, okay? okay. good. so you're on stage with someone and you're doing a scene together and as you're both popping out of the line they whisper to you, in a hurry,

"hey, you can play whatever character you want. i'll just follow your lead, okay?"

uh, sure. that's how improv works. you nod at them, a little confused, get on, and start doing a bit. you pick a character, pick a scene, do some object work... let's say you're a chef, and you're flipping pancakes or something, so you're moving your hands like you're holding a frying pan and a spatula. you're looking up at where the pancakes would be. it's great stuff. "hey, new guy, pass me the blueberries," you say in a prim-and-proper voice. you've just given a bunch of gifts! you gave your sub a role (new chef), a location (fancy restaurant), a task (getting ingredients)... and then they just reach over and make the vague impression of handing you something and say "here you go."

they don't do anything else. they just look at you expectantly.

okay. you can work with that. you keep flipping your pancakes, sprinkle on a blueberry or two from the box on the imaginary table next to you, and even do a cool trick with your pancake-flipping. your new chef isn't saying anything else, so you say "quiet, huh? what, you scared you're going to turn out like your father?" more gifts.

your scene partner says "oh, uh, yeah, haha," and nothing more.

blink blink. okayyyy. um. they're not giving you much. you set down your frying pan (or, hilariously, keep doing it but turn your eyes away) and say "well, you don't seem terribly worried!"

they make a non-committal sound, and when you don't say anything, they add "...guess so."

now you're at least hoping to salvage this by making this passivity a character trait, so you say "ah, you must be experiencing emotional numbness. try to hold onto that feeling, because THAT! is how you become a REAL line cook. i haven't felt an emotion since the aughts!" and then maybe your other group members rescue you by wiping the stage so we can see that scene in the aughts and it moves on.

after the show, you go up to that partner and say "hey, what gives?? you were giving me nothing out there! i had to flounder!"

they say: "well, you're a skilled improviser, so i thought i could just follow your lead. i didn't say 'no' to you, did i?"

indeed, they were always agreeing with you -- but improv isn't just yes, it's yes, and. if you don't put anything into the scene you're in, the best hypnotist in the world can't do shit to you -- because they don't know what you're responding to, don't know what role they're playing in your head, and even if they try to guess they could be way off the mark and get really anxious and directionless about it! not fun!!

as a sub, you might've seen people talking about the "dom shortage" -- this idea that there's a ton of subs, and a tiny handful of doms that are willing to actually do anything to them. this is not the case!! there are people out there that would love to play with you if you communicated, but they won't want to do scenes if they think you're one of those no-boundaries subs that just asks you to "do whatever."

as a trans woman, this is especially frightening for me, because we have an additional reason to be terrified of (or at least stressed about) domming. think carefully: when you want a hot trans girl to top you and dom you, hypnotize you and do whatever else, and you tell her to just do whatever she wants to you, what are you implying about what she wants? when you don't offer her anything and expect her to just naturally have an inclination to use you like an object or fuck you or something, what are you assuming about how she operates?

plus, when a kink scene goes awry for us -- because of a miscommunication or a lack of it or whatever -- too fucking often, that gets used as evidence to paint us as horrible sex-obsessed abusers who want to fuck with people's heads. there's this objectified ideal of the trans woman in so many kink spaces where she's a predator restrained only by social niceties, and as soon as she encounters someone self-hating enough she'll take off the training weights and fuck you in all the ways you find hot without you needing to say anything. is she real? maybe you've met her. maybe you've had to be her, because that's a character many of us have had to play. and it gets fucking exhausting.

make our lives easier. and if you've given up on domming like i did for a long time because you're fucking sick of that.... hey. there's subjects out there that really do want to make it easier for us. the feeling of hypnotizing someone who actually cares about you is so different from the feeling of going through the motions for someone who doesn't care about your pleasure. if you're a really good sub, you will be a really good hypnotist if you want to be -- because when you're hypnotizing others, you're going under, too, and you already know how to do that. it's just playing a different role. haven't you ever wanted to be corrupted like an evil magical girl? c'moooon. try it once. one taste of blood. what's the worst that could happen, you like it? ;-)

i've been doing hypnosis since i was a teenager. i've listened to SO many files, been put under by tens of hypnotists and put under nearly as many subjects. i've read books of theory and so many essays and websites and posts and analyses of hypnosis. and there's been some really helpful ones! especially in terms of safety and idea generation, there's really REALLY good writing out there. but as far as getting the confidence and mechanical knowledge to actually do the thing, i've found that taking an improv class did so much more for me in so much less time than any of the theory i'd consumed. i'm confident now! i can flick that switch and i, subby little sleepyjump, can actually be a hypnotist! and it's so intoxicating. i love switching because i love being immersed. i love stories and i love gushing about feedback.

why am i such good bait? why am i such a good enchantress?