when i was 18 i went to wendover (dumpy casino town near utah) with my family and some neighbors we were close with. someone was celebrating something, i don't remember what. but we went to the rainbow inn and one of the older brothers in the neighbor's family was cool and he shared his drinks with me. it was one of the first times i had ever really gotten drunk. and the rainbow inn casino is a fucking nightmare of blacklight and mirrored walls and i realized i had to pee so i left the safety of the booth we were sitting in and ventured out to the smoke filled pit that is every casino. ringing machines playing odd instrumentals of popular songs flashed before me, casting blinding reflections as i got lost in the squiggling rainbow shapes worming their away across a space black carpet. i knew the room wasn't spinning just me and i was laughing thinking oh my god i'm going to piss myself, i'm underage, drunk in a casino going to piss myself. and then i got nervous and started sort of crying waddling through crowds of marlboro lights and the occasional parliament, piña coladas and insulin, the smell of retirement. i really thought i was about to lose it and fuck, how would i explain this to my parents? but suddenly i looked up and saw my sweet cousin exiting the room i had been looking for all this time and i was so relieved i hugged her while she stared at me bewildered. i suddenly remembered that time, not so long ago then, when i came to her shy-like, odd for me, chewing through my lips like gum because i needed to know how long you were supposed to wait to get an hiv test after being exposed to the virus. she was a nurse so i figured she'd know. and she looked at me gently and without judgment then, but i figured pissing on her legs in the middle of a casino seemed a bridge to far. so i let her go.
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