why is he like that

the best thing a character can do is feel an inherent and deep rooted sense of shame

One of my favorite things about Ouyang is that he sees Esen as very oblivious (he is), but he himself has no clue his two decade revenge scheme hinges not on his own skills at planning (mediocre) but on Baoxiang's pissed off side schemes. Ouyang is the black pot king. Baby why are you so surprised the coup-ers that hate you would coup YOU. Meanwhile you're calling your homoerotic bestie dumb for trusting a man that has been nothing but loyal and doting? Insane behaviour. Also, Ouyang is convinced that Esen's obliviousness is somehow his fault and not Esen's bc hes Evil and Wrong and Corrupting. Meanwhile, he has zero accountability for himself when it comes to his shitty human resources skills.

*flirting* are you ever repulsed by ur desires

Baoxiang and Ouyang being devastated about Esen's death would have been predictable, everyone would know it, but what amazed me is their devastation to the knowledge that Esen's death was worthy of nothing, it gave no realization. Maybe just one: that they wasted their chance to tell how much they loved each other out loud. They will no longer be able to fix it, because Esen is dead and he will never come back and there is nothing that can console them because they were the ones who killed him for the belief that revenge would fill the emptiness they had inside. But it didn't. They lost and became mentally unstable because they didn't grasp how much more important love was. They couldn’t believe it or understand it. All of them failed to nurture their true good feelings, in order to adapt into what society ot destiny expected, and they paid for it with agony.

The dynamic with Esen, Ouyang, and Baoxiang all having grown up together and been raised by Chaghan is actually insane. It's no wonder every conversation between two or more of them feels like taking constant psyche damage. Ouyang, who is physically incapable of being the kind of man Chaghan wants and also is the son of a famous traitor and is Nanren to boot (no matter how well he strives for Mongol ideals); Baoxiang, who is half Nanren but also half Mongol yet simply refuses to even try to be the kind of man Chaghan wants (and isn't even Chaghan's real kid); and sandwiched between them, Esen, who with a minimum of effort is exactly the kind of man Chaghan wants but is utterly incapable of understanding how anyone can fail to be that kind of man. Of course Ouyang and Baoxiang can't fucking stand each other, and adore and resent Esen in almost equal measure. Chaghan could not have created a better pressure cooker for intra-familial violence if he'd done it on purpose.

ouyang really saw xu helping zhu with his hair and thought what the fuck are they doing in broad daylight. this is worse than seeing two people fucking. men don't act like this with each other. like ok. very normal thoughts here mister ouyang sir.

the best thing a man can be is gay and suicidal and miserable and utterly unlikable and unpleasant to be around and prone to addiction and abused and traumatized and not breaking the cycle and

zhu effortlessly being the number one ouyang ragebaiter of all time when there are so many people vying for the position is so funny