Outspoken Introvert

I posted this photo with the caption, “Practice on how to have someone in a talking stage”

Referring to I might not know anymore what is feels like. Yet today proves I have my friends who can make me smile and laugh ridiculously while texting or chatting. I’m forever grateful for them *shh.. don't tell them* 🤫🥰

They say "learn to let go of people who don't serve you anymore". Was that the reason why we trash "friends" so easily nowadays.

That once they go against us, what we want, may it be good or bad for us, that the easiest way out is blocking them away. Not talking to them. Demonizing them for not 'all the way supporting you with everything'.

That friendship is just a convenient way for us to be tolerated. That our own shits will be protected by 'bro code'/s, That breaking rules mean breaking the relationship.

When life's tragedy comes in your life, when you reach that very rock bottom, you will never forget those people who were there for you, those who protected you, and those who helped you find yourself again. 

And you will also never forget the hate for those who makes it fucking worse for you. Yes, even if they’re so-called “family”. Blood will not be thick, it’ll dry out.

Time makes people forget and people forget so easily, but your trauma will surely never forget to remind. It’ll surprise you like an earthquake and it will crush you to pieces.

I'm not actually the strong type. I'm a shit-load of emotions and traumas. I'm that kind who breaks down in public places (malls, cafés, public restrooms, name it.) but will not talk about it.

I don't usually present myself as tragic and a mess, but I really am. Since my childhood up to this day, I cannot count all the rape, sexual harassment, physical and emotional abuse, bullying and whatsoever happened to me that left me as a-fucked-up adult. Most of the time, I had no one. I cannot count how many times I've thought of killing myself and wanting to do it. I even did come up with a plan. (But this is not a goodbye letter. I promise)

I'm so ashamed to take the title of a "mental health professional" to be honest, because maybe I have an anxiety or Depression, but I've never gotten myself checked. But hopefully, soon.

I actually don't know the intention of writing these down. I just want to let it out because I've been full of these, for I think 15 years of my life already.

I'm so thankful for those who were and are with me. Who listened. Who supported. I know who I can trust. They're very few. Maybe I could only count them by one hand, but they're a quality of people. Thank you because you kept me going. 

I'm a potato wrapped in emotions. I feel too much. I had a lot of relationships in the past, but when years and years hit me, I came to practice handling things with my mind over my feelings; even when it comes to love and relationships. That's the reason I'm still single and that's also why it's quite difficult to put this week's topic into words.

Yet I still chose this topic because these past few weeks I was bombarded with the question: "In building a relationship, should I use my mind or my heart?", and to be honest I still don't know the right answer; if there's any.

If you've read my past blog posts or know me personally, you might know my answer to that question: use Mind because shit happens when you use your Heart. But I'm not actually satisfied with that simple plain answer.

Me in any romantic situations my mind would always say: I don't want my feet to be swept away by the magic of his gestures or touch or the way he kisses my forehead, because anyone could do that! (Even if my heart just wants to fell for it) I'm scared that my judgement would be clouded by the feeling of being on cloud nine.

Or am I just really stupid yet over thinks that makes me end up not enjoying the moment that I should be enjoying? Who hurt me this much?! Haha. #RoadtoForeverAlone

For most people I discussed this topic with, they told me that "sometimes you just have to let yourself be a fool and fell for it and seize the moment with that person", but isn't that not saving yourself from heartaches? Will you really "not regret" giving your all and falling for it?

What is the real secret to building romantic relationships and saving yourself from heartaches?

"Time is Gold" an overused quote from your class year book or what people have written in a slam book as their "favorite quote". Time is a very important thing for some of us, that's why we don't like others wasting ours, but time is sometimes also the most unappreciated thing in our everyday lives.

If we would try to calculate and divide our 24hrs everyday, how much of that time is shared with our loved ones? Or how about with the screen time of our mobile phones?

For this week's blog, I just want us to appreciate Time itself. On my last artwork post, it was for my sister who is now in Spain living her happy family life. Her being now 11,850KM away from us makes me sad and regretful. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy at what she already achieved, but I'm just sad about the fact that I was not aware that we've already grown and aged and it felt very quick.

My family was not perfect, like any other families, but me with my 3 other siblings grew in the same house and stayed together throughout the years. Just like any other siblings, we had our fights and our own lives and sometimes we're too busy for each other. We go home to just eat or sleep and still busy with our own errands. (I am personally very guilty of that) I don't know if I established it, but I can't find the right words to say that despite of my "uncloseness" with my siblings it feels really different now that one of us is having her own family and even very far from us.

I had regrets that I just wished that I was close to my sister when we can still have each other personally. I wish I cried over her shoulders when I had all those petty heart aches. We still communicate through chat, but personal presence is a different thing and I miss her now so much.

So what am I try to say? We are busy with things that life requires us to do (schooling or work) But we should never forget to also render our time to those people who are very important to us and celebrate the important moments with them. Celebrate life with them. Attend weddings, birthday, or in the simplest form have dinner with them. Talk a lot of things about each other, disconnect to your virtual "friends" for a moment. Be with them. (Even it takes sacrificing some "prior commitments" or hours of commute)

I made this for my eldest sister, who is now pregnant! I'm soooo excited about it because it'll be my first niece and I love her already even they're still on the first trimester.

The reference of this artwork is the night of our family reunion where my sister's husband proposed to her. (I got my sister's back but not his husband's face 😔) but I'm so happy for the both of them. ♥

The border of this artwork is the bible verse about love I Cor. 13:4-7 written in Baybayin, an ancient Filipino writing.

March is the International Women’s Month, however, it breaks my heart that the news keeps popping everywhere about rape, victim blaming, and other violence against women. Even in the basic toxicity of the comment sections of Social Networking sites, like Facebook, you will see how prevalent the rape culture is.

After years of fighting against this disgusting culture, we still have misogynist leaders, rapist senators, films and shows that romanticizes violence against women, and the backward thinking of victim blaming EVERYWHERE!

WHAT IS RAPE CULTURE?

Rape Culture is the environment where rape is prevalent because of the normalization of rape jokes, misogynistic thinking, sexual objectification of women’ body, and romanticizing sexual violence. Unpopular opinion: it doesn’t only affect every women, but men as well. Women’s value is degraded and they live in fear every single day. While in men, victims are silenced and prohibited from speaking up for justice, and other men grew up as a predator, as people who can only act with their biological thirstiness. Isn’t that an insult to your mental capacity?

EXAMPLES OF RAPE CULTURE:

I got this list from the website https://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture/

Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)

Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)

Rape Jokes

Tolerance of sexual harassment

Inflating false rape report statistics

Publicly scrutinizing a victim’s dress, mental state, motives, and history

Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television

Defining “manhood” as dominant and sexually aggressive

Defining “womanhood” as submissive and sexually passive

Pressure on men to “score”

Pressure on women to not appear “cold”

Assuming only promiscuous women get raped

Assuming that men don’t get raped or that only “weak” men get raped

Refusing to take rape accusations seriously

Teaching women to avoid getting raped instead of teaching men not to rape

Let me add: Entitlement of a person to another

Honestly, I don’t understand how many people still can’t grasp these simple things that tolerates the rape culture. It is as simple as the quotes I once heard, “Our mind molds our actions and our actions directs our behavior” and “What you feed your mind determines your appetite”(Tom Ziglar)

VICTIM BLAMING

Victim Blaming is one of the dangerous things that make the rape culture prevalent. Since explaining things is not an expertise of mine, let me paste here a part of an article from http://www2.southernct.edu/sexual-misconduct/facts.html about victim blaming:

One reason people blame a victim is to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby confirm their own invulnerability to the risk. By labeling or accusing the victim, others can see the victim as different from themselves. People reassure themselves by thinking, "Because I am not like her, because I do not do that, this would never happen to me." We need to help people understand that this is not a helpful reaction.

WHY IS IT DANGEROUS?

Victim-blaming attitudes marginalize the victim/survivor and make it harder to come forward and report the abuse. If the survivor knows that you or society blames her for the abuse, s/he will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you.

Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what the abuser has been saying all along; that it is the victim’s fault this is happening. It is NOT the victim’s fault or responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for his/her actions.

WHAT DOES VICTIM BLAMING LOOKS LIKE?

Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude: “She must have provoked him into being abusive. They both need to change.”

Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Abusers have a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options besides abuse include: walking away, talking in the moment, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, breaking up, etc. Additionally, abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt his partner, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement to do whatever he wants to his partner.

When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are colluding with and supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support.

*It is as simple as that!*

HOW CAN MEN AND WOMEN COMBAT RAPE CULTURE?

(https://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-assault/rape-culture/)

Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women

Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape

If a friend says she has been raped, take her seriously and be supportive

Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence

Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations

Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent

Define your own manhood or womanhood. Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.

Get involved! Join a student or community group working to end violence against women.

Years of fighting against rape culture is sometimes disappointing and disheartening because sometimes it looks like hopeless for everyone, but actively continuous fighting against it and even starting from those simple things matter. Never stop and let’s continue fighting against it for the next generations after us, for our loved ones, and for ourselves. 

Let me just re-quote this:

“You make me high,

and it felt like cloud nine.

You let me fall,

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S MONTH!

You may have come to a situation where it’s either you need to speak up and stand for someone’s rights or just be silent because doing something might ruin your friendship with others and you think that’s the easiest way out of other people’s situation. #MeToo! I’ve been there a lot of times.

If you’ve just known me this past 1-2 years, this “strong-ass-that-will-stand-up-for-her-friends-or-anyone-who-is-abused” (Someone told me that) because I’m using my platforms to speak up against violence and inequality to women, against the stealing of the lands of our indigenous people because of the greedy “New Clark City” Project, against victim blaming, against rape culture, and etc. (Now you have an idea what are the topics that we might discuss as this blog continues) I’M NOT IN ANYWAY LIKE THIS BEFORE!

So, am I just nosy or what?

As I have told you, I’m not this outspoken before. Actually, I’m an introvert, weakling, who cannot even stand up for her own self. I was a victim of bullying and didn’t I mentioned in my last blog that I was in an abusive relationship, but after I broke out of that I had an enormous change. Also, being a part of the wider community of the Spoken Word really helped me.

Trigger Warning: I need to talk about my abuse for this part of the blog.

I could say that it was one of the darkest times of my life. I experienced being shouted and cursed at in the midst of the public market, yes p u b l i c  m a r k e t, and it was humiliating and belittling. I got to the point that I don’t really see my own value even just as a human being. BUT HERE’S THE WORST THING ABOUT IT: NO ONE HELPED or just even try.

Studying Psychology I understand that we are sometimes victims of the Bystander Effect, this is a phenomenon where an individual is less likely to offer help to a victim when other people are present. The greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is that one of them will help. (Wiki ♥) but please don’t use this as an excuse.

To be honest, I’m still sometimes a victim of this phenomenon, but I am promising myself the I will really work it out!

The importance of speaking up is doing something for someone else. It is using yourself as a source of their empowerment. As per me, it gives you purpose. 

“Rhane, I’m not a victim of anything. I don’t know about those social issues” “I have my opinions on things but it doesn’t matter. I’m not famous, a politician, or a leader. I’m no one.” “People will just laugh at me for saying things that are on my mind” Let me list this down for you:

You could always study about things that you’re concerned about. Give yourself a time to do your own research and never settle on what other people told you. You can read articles, visit communities, talk to those survivors, and etc. There is always a lot of ways to get first-hand information and understand what is happening. Just be careful about choosing a source, don’t settle on just seeing one or two articles. !!Visiting communities and talking to survivors will really help you!!  (Join #ProjectPisapungan to know the situation of the Aeta communities because of the project named “New Clark City”) The truth will never fear if you do your own research.

Someone is always looking up to you and your opinions matter. As a teacher, your students. As an artist, your audiences. As a partner or sibling or child, your family members. As just some ordinary student or person who just share things with social media, your friends or followers. How many do you have? Isn’t social media a platform? There is always someone who listens and follows you and you influence them in any way you’re just maybe not yet aware of. A little cousin, your loved one who is a survivor of an abuse, or literally anyone who you came across with. For speaking up, someday someone will just pat your shoulder and will tell you “Thank you for speaking up! You saved me.” Therefore, what kind of influence you already imparted to other people?

You will really see what kind of people you are with. With our friends, sometimes we just “agree to disagree” or not talk about things to not let it ruin your friendship with them. Sometimes it’s fine. We have friends who have different opinions about things, but not all societal problems could just be left in  “agree to disagree” files. Sometimes there are bridges to be burned because of our own opinions and values in life. A rapist friend? A racist friend? An abusive friend? A cheater friend? What do you really mean about the word “friend”? You might have a different opinion now, but what you do everyday or let yourself absorb, it shapes your mind. It shapes you. Okay, we don’t always need to burn bridges, but what is the benefit of speaking up to the quality of the relationship we have with other people? It helps them realize maybe there is something wrong with them and you’re not adding gas on that burning bad habit of your friend. You also help them. Another, you will meet and have quality friends that will add up to your values.

This world has a lot of problems that it doesn’t need another person that will just mum about the things that needs fixing. Societal problems are just lurking around, what if it already victimized one of your loved ones. What if you just don’t know about it because you have already made them feel unsafe with you because you never stood up for something; or your “jokes” or opinions are the right reasons that they feel unsafe.

“Those words dancing on your lips became your promises; they became my milestones. I should have stopped you when you were playing with words to describe me. I should have stopped you when you said “I am drowning and you are my air”. For Milan Kundera was right, ever single metaphor you said only gave birth to love.” -Philip Manuelson Arandia, Love in Three Chapters