#speakingup

"good morning sunshine"

this morning and I woke up and I had never existed until now.

this very very very very large man is looking down at me. bars between us. almost poetic in the sense that I feel seen, but not quite connected to him.

his charming smile greets me into this great big world - the time stamp is allegedly something called good morning sunshine?

idk when that is but it's the beginning.

things were great, thats until these large flesh limbs came hurtling towards me at an alarming rate.

I FELT MY EYS BLUGE

I FELT MY HEART BEATING SO FAST

THIS IS AN attack.

what ever is going on is not making me feel so warm and fuzzy, and if not for warm and fuzzy feelings ... why continue on this path?

I went from loving him to hating him. How can someone endearing become a monster?

my skin was being punctured, rubbed, and smacked. war was declared. my teeth drew blood.

I instantly felt remorse. this man started to tell me tales of watermelon encrusted with sugar. I began to daydream of a brighter life... maybe things would be okay.

until tomorrow,

xoxo harrys hampster

Okay so I do not usually share things like this on my blog, but I figured that it might be helpful to me or to anyone who actually reads it if I can publish it. Anyway, lately I have been struggling with a lot of issues with myself, even though my life, in general, is pretty great, like a great family, great friends and all, but no one has it easy as we say. I was never the type of person to express my insecurities aloud or say that I hate myself, not even jokingly. However, during these last two months, I get mad at myself a lot, and I am not satisfied with anything I do. I also started comparing myself to others a lot, and it sucks a lot. I do not feel comfortable in my skin at all, and I started hating somethings about myself that I did not even notice before. This usually happens to me when I go back home from college to stay with parents, but it doesn't last for more than a week or two, then I go on with life like nothing happened because it was just a phase and it is over. But not this time. It is not going away and I am so confused.

I feel like it is going worse, especially that I feel weird all the time, weird and disoriented like I am never comfortable, and if I am outside, I just want to hurry to go back home. Even if I am with my friends, who are just the best, they are the kind of people who bring you up when you are in your worst moments. So, even if I am with them, there is something weird telling me it is not the same when we used to hang out back in our dorms, and it was so much more fun than now, I don't know why. I feel bad afterward because my friends are the only people that I truly can be myself with and hanging out with them is the only thing that can make me forget about whatever it is that's worrying me, and not to be able to feel or do that now makes me feel so angry at myself.

Back to the comparison, whenever I notice that I am comparing myself to someone else or feeling jealous because they have something and I do not, whether it is material or not, although it is mostly material stuff, I try to think of things that I am grateful for instead but it just does not work.

Long story short, I became excessively self-conscious, and I snap easily at anything and anyone.

Wow, I never got this personal on this blog, but it was the only way for me to get myself to journal because apparently, it helps.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, GOODLUCK WITH LIFE.