my cosmic love, my rarest air

a little excerpt from my sunrise on the reaping wolfstar au <3

read When Again Your Eyes Open, the Sun Will Rise on ao3.

hiii omg yes i’m officially done with uni!! now i’m a responsible adult with a 9-5 (send help 💀). i’m on a tiny post-stress vacation right now but i’ve started working on the fics again. been poking at itbs lately and scribbling some drafts for wayeotswr

hiii ru my loveliest love!! here’s what i’m thinking:

remus wakes the second sirius starts twitching. he never shakes him awake though, instead he shifts closer and starts humming or whispering the same low lori (indian lullaby) that he knows sirius’ mum (effie) used to hum to him whenever he had bad dreams / moments as a teenager. it reminds sirius he is somewhere safe now

on the worst nights sirius curls into a tight ball. remus wraps around him from behind like a weighted blanket, one arm across his chest, the other hand splayed over his stomach, so sirius can feel the steady pressure and remember he’s allowed to take up space

remus keeps a tiny spray bottle of sirius’ favorite cologne on the nightstand. he spritzes it once on the pillow so the familiar scent cuts through the panic before sirius is even fully conscious

remus learned early on that sirius hates being told it was just a dream, so instead he narrates the present in a steady whisper, like listing facts on a grocery list: “your legs are tangled with mine”, “the radiator is clicking the way you find annoying”, “my hand is right here on your ribs”

sometimes sirius needs to move, so remus takes him to the kitchen at 3am and they make the most ridiculous elaborate sandwiches together. remus always adds extra pickles because he knows the crunch helps ground sirius back into his body

after the shaking stops sirius often gets embarrassed and tries to pull away, but remus never lets him. he tucks sirius’ head under his chin and says the same sentence every time “stay messy, i love you like this”

sirius sometimes apologizes for waking him up. remus answers by pressing a slow kiss to the top of his head and says not to bother, because he himself couldn’t care in the slightest

sirius sometimes wakes up convinced he’s still small and unwanted. remus counters by pulling him on top of his chest so sirius can feel how easily he fits there now, how remus can hold all of him without strain

remus always makes sure the bedside lamp with the warmest bulb is within reach. he clicks it on low and lets sirius stare at the ordinary shadows of their bedroom until the terror loses its grip

sometimes sirius needs to be reminded he’s sharp and loud and alive, so remus lets him rant about the nightmare in messy half sentences, then kisses the corner of his mouth and says “good, now tell me one real thing you loved about today” so sirius pays his attention to something nice

remus keeps a bar of milk chocolate in the nightstand drawer for after the shaking stops. he breaks off tiny pieces and feeds them to sirius by hand watching the sweetness slowly replace the metallic taste of fear

they end up tangled so tightly that sirius falls back asleep listening to remus count his exhales

after sirius drifts off again, remus stays awake a little longer, just running his fingers through sirius’ hair in the exact pattern he knows soothes the leftover tension in his scalp

Thanks

hey love, of course! here’s what i think:

lights-out is officially at 11, but the four of them usually drag it out until midnight with james telling increasingly ridiculous stories. remus is the one who finally sighs and dims the lamps, which is sirius’ cue to “casually” migrate from his own bed to the edge of remus’ under the excuse of borrowing a book or something. peter always mutters “sure, pads, the book’s definitely what you’re after” just loud enough for james to snort

obviously sirius has this habit of stealing remus’ jumper (the oversized grey one that smells like 100% remusness) and wearing it to bed. he claims it’s because the dorm is freezing, but really it’s so he can bury his face in the collar once the curtains are drawn and breathe remus in while the others are still chatting. james once caught him doing it and spent five seconds dramatically pretending to retch

once the curtains are finally closed around remus’ bed, they shift into their own little world. remus always lies on his back first, one arm tucked behind his head, and sirius slots in against his side. they keep their voices low, just murmurs about nothing, remus recounting a funny line from his latest read, sirius complaining about quidditch practice, but their hands are never still. sirius traces idle patterns on remus’ stomach under his shirt; remus runs fingers through sirius’ hair until it’s hopelessly tangled

the teasing from outside the curtains is relentless. james will whisper “are you two decent in there or should we give you five minutes?” and peter will add little fake snores that turn into giggles. sirius usually flips them off through the fabric while remus hides his flushed face in sirius’ neck, trying not to laugh

teeth-brushing turns into a group event at the bathroom sinks, but sirius and remus always end up at the two closest ones. they bump elbows and hips on purpose, sirius flicking toothpaste at remus just to make him laugh

on nights when remus is worn out from the moon or exams, sirius gets protective. he warms his hands with a quick charm and presses them to the tight spots in remus’ shoulders, working the knots out slowly while they talk. it often turns into sirius pressing open-mouthed kisses along the back of remus’s neck, hand slipping lower under the waistband of his pyjamas, moving torturously slow so they stay nearly silent, remus biting his own wrist to keep quiet is a recurring image

the risk of james or peter hearing keeps everything hushed and desperate. sirius once had to muffle a moan against remus’ shoulder when remus’ finger brushed exactly the right spot, and they both froze, hearts pounding, waiting for the inevitable “we heard that!” from james (it never came, but james and peter did hear that)

the mornings after are when the teasing peaks. james wakes up first and loudly announces “rise and shine, lovebirds!” while peter snickers about how “remus bed has suspiciously more pillows than yesterday”. sirius usually emerges with messy hair and a smug grin, tossing a pillow at james’ head while remus stays buried under the covers, ears pink, pretending he’s still asleep

I wanted to ask you something about Wolfstar hiding their relationship, in a hypothetical scenario where James hasn't noticed because I feel he would, but this is just to make things more interesting.

Imagine them having stolen kisses, secret afternoons alone in the dorm, dates with the map, enjoying being just the two of them before deciding when to tell James and Peter because they're a little scared. Like, let's say, this would happen during their senior year? I'd like to know what you think.

Thanks 🤍

hiii, i love the idea of them keeping it quiet from james and peter for now because everything still feels brand new and fragile. i feel like they have this feeling that if they say it out loud too soon the whole thing might break. so yeah, gimme these boys in their little pocket of peace

they start properly getting together right after christmas break. it’s all tentative touches that turn into desperate kisses in the astronomy tower, hearts racing because they can hear footsteps on the stairs sometimes

the secrecy makes the affection sharper. every stolen kiss feels like it means more because it has to be quick and quiet. every time their hands brush passing in the corridor it’s electric. they become experts at looking normal while their hearts are doing cartwheels

sirius is the one who pulls remus into alcoves between classes, but remus is the one who lingers afterward, forehead pressed to sirius’ shoulder, whispering “we should get back before james sends a search party”

the dorm becomes their safest space when james and peter are somewhere else together. they push two beds together in the middle of the afternoon, curtains drawn, silencing charms layered thick

sirius gets stupidly soft when remus calls him “pads” in public like nothing’s changed, but then whispers “baby” when no one else can hear. it makes sirius’ stomach flip every single time. remus, for his part, blushes hard when sirius leaves tiny bruises hidden under his collar that only they know about

they also end up in the shrieking shack more than once, wrapped in blankets sirius nicked from the laundry, sharing candies and laughing about how ridiculous it is that they’re hiding from their best friends. remus always brings chocolate; sirius always brings the blanket that smells like both of them at the end of the evening

they’re both terrified of telling james because he loves so loudly and they’re scared it’ll change the group dynamic. peter too: they worry he’ll feel left out or awkward. so they keep stealing these tiny moments, like sirius passing remus notes in transfiguration that just say “miss you already” even though they’re sitting three seats apart, or remus sliding his foot against sirius’ under the table at dinner until sirius has to bite his lip to keep from grinning

one night after a particularly close call (james almost walking in on them), they lie tangled together and make up future scenarios. “we’ll tell them after exam season”, “or after the next full moon”, “or never. i like having you all to myself a bit longer”. it’s half-joking but they both feel the explosion creeping closer

remus keeps a small box under his bed with little things sirius has given him: a stolen snitch from practice, pressed flowers from one of their map dates, the wrapper from the first chocolate they shared after their first kiss. sirius pretends he doesn’t know about it at first but then he starts adding to it when remus isn’t looking

eventually they start leaving each other tiny coded messages on the map itself, like little enchanted hearts or stars that only appear when the other touches it. it’s their way of saying “i’m thinking about you” even when they’re surrounded by their friends

it’s all so teenage and tender and a little bit heartbreaking because they both know they can’t hide forever. but for those few months it’s theirs, with their secret afternoons, whispered confessions, and the quiet joy of choosing each other before the rest of the world gets a say

yeah of course i do omg, thank you for this ask, i need to yap more about my traumatized boy and his supportive boyfriend

i think in sirius’ house, nobody outright said “don't gain weight”, since it was way worse. it was the little comments like you look different or that shirt fits tighter, and because of that, he memorizes numbers. not just weight, but calories on menus, clothing sizes, measurements. he hates that he knows them and that his brain catches them automatically, but he can’t really help himself

he has good days and bad days. on good days he forgets about his body entirely, on bad days he catches his reflection in a shop window and it ruins his whole afternoon because apparently he forgot to suck in his stomach and it looked “ugly”

whenever he gains even a pound or two, he immediately assumes everyone can tell (remus literally cannot tell). sirius goes like “i gained weight”, and remus is just there with his “okay”. sirius is like, “that’s it?”, and remus literally goes ??? “was there more?”

sirius hates being touched when he’s feeling insecure, but craves it at the same time. if he's having a bad body image day, he'll pull away from hugs first, sit slightly farther away, and avoid changing clothes in front of remus. meanwhile all he wants is reassurance. remus eventually learns the contradiction: those are the days he drapes himself over sirius on the sofa without asking questions. sirius always melts after pretending not to want it

sirius has specific “safe” clothes. certain jackets, certain shirts. days when he feels bad about himself, those are the only things he'll wear

sirius has a habit of sucking his stomach in. he’ll do it while standing in the kitchen, while trying on clothes, while leaning against counters. one day remus catches him doing it and walks over, hooks a finger through sirius’ belt loop, pulls him forward until they’re chest-to-chest, rests his hand on his waist and starts rubbing soothing circles into his skin. after a minute sirius relaxes without even realizing it

the first time sirius gains noticeable weight is during a genuinely happy period of his life (dating remus). he sleeps enough, eats regularly, spends weekends with friends, laughs more

and the irony is brutal because physically he’s healthier than he’s ever been, yet mentally he’s spiraling over it. eventually, remus gets angry (not at sirius, obviously, but at the fact that happiness and guilt have somehow become tangled together in his head)

remus falls in love with evidence of sirius living. scars, stretch marks, tired eyes after road trips, sunburns from beach days, muscles gained from helping friends move furniture. all the little proofs that time is passing

meanwhile sirius has spent his entire life believing the goal was to remain perfect and untouched. remus loves the exact opposite, he loves the signs that sirius is growing and changing and existing

i also think gender fluidity fits here as well, especially because sirius’ whole story is already so tied to rejecting categories that were chosen for him

there are days when sirius desperately wants to be pretty. not handsome, not attractive in a masculine way, but pretty. and when people insist on calling him handsome because they think it’s the safe compliment, it makes him feel strangely invisible. remus eventually catches on and starts complimenting him with much more variety. beautiful, sweet, lovely, gorgeous, pretty. whatever actually fits sirius in that moment

remus slowly learns that sirius asking “do i look okay?” is sometimes a completely different question. sometimes sirius means “am i still attractive to you?” but sometimes he means “do i look like myself?” and those require completely different answers

the saddest version is sirius wondering if remus will only love certain versions of him. especially it concerns him because of fluidity. if remus fell for the handsome version, what happens when sirius wants to be beautiful? if remus loves the reckless version, what happens when sirius is all softness? a lot of his body image issues would probably feed directly into those fears

meanwhile remus is standing there completely baffled because, from his perspective, he’s never separated those things. he doesn't have a ranking of preferred siriuses. he just has sirius. but it takes years for sirius to fully believe that

i love the idea that the most healing thing remus ever says isn't “you’re perfect”. perfection is exactly the standard that damaged sirius in the first place. instead it’s something like, “you keep treating your body like it's failing a test, but i don't think it's taking one, baby. i’m grateful that it’s healthy, and strong, and beautiful, and you should be grateful too”

yes omg! thank you for this ask, i actually love this idea sm

i think it happens on a random tuesday in february, maybe even not on the actual day (because remus overthinks everything and decides valentine’s itself is too performative). they’re in the dorm room because sirius claimed he “needed help with history notes” (they both know it’s bullshit). remus has been practicing the words in his head for three weeks, but when sirius flops onto the bed beside him, close enough that their shoulders brush, everything collapses. his hands are shaking so badly when he blurts, “sirius, i—i’ve been meaning to—fuck, sorry—would you… maybe…”

remus’ cheeks go nuclear the second the words start tumbling out. the flush starts at his neck, creeps up under his faded jumper collar, and settles high on his cheekbones like he’s been running in the cold. he can’t look sirius in the eye at first, so he stares at sirius’ socks instead, stuttering through half-sentences, “i know it’s stupid and probably not—i mean you don’t have to… it’s just that i like—really like the way you laugh at my shit jokes and—okay, i think i’m ruining this.”

sirius is frozen at first, grey eyes wide, but remus keeps going because the silence is worse. he rambles about tiny specific things: how sirius always saves him the window seat on the train even when he’s late, the way he dog-ears pages in remus’ borrowed books with little sarcastic notes, how his jacket smells great when they share it during rainy walks home. every third word catches, his voice cracking on the vulnerable parts. he’s so flushed and stuttery that he starts gesturing awkwardly with one hand while the other clutches his backpack strap like a lifeline. “i—i’ve liked you for ages, longer than—than is probably healthy. and if you don’t, that’s fine, i just—i needed you to know before i exploded or something”. the exploded comes out so small and mortified that sirius finally cracks a soft smile.

remus’ ears are burning, too. he keeps pushing his hair out of his face even though it’s not in the way, a nervous tic that makes sirius want to reach out immediately. he stutters out, “will you… be my valentine? or… you know, boyfriend. boyfriend is way better than a valentine. or, um—or you could be both. or whatever you want. i’m not picky. just—just yours”.

sirius, instead of teasing (for once), gently takes one of those shaking hands and says, “damn, moony. took you long enough”. remus stays pink for the next hour, hiding his face in sirius’ shoulder when the reality hits. sirius presses gentle kisses to the burning skin of his cheekbones and temple to calm him down.

later that evening they end up walking to the corner shop for cheap chocolate and crisps, remus still faintly flushed every time sirius swings their joined hands. he keeps glancing sideways like he expects sirius to change his mind, but sirius just tugs him into a quiet alley behind the shop and kisses him properly for the first time. remus’ hands are still shaky when they cup sirius’ face.

the rest of the week remus is still quietly flustered every time sirius calls him “my valentine” or “my boy” in public, ears going pink again. but sirius starts collecting those flushed moments, with kissing the heat on remus’ cheeks in the empty stairwell and tracing the edge of remus’ flushed jaw while they talk.