I Ship It

“Did she just write ‘yeti doctor’?”

Bruce’s head snaps up at Steph’s voice, looking once again at the letter on the screen. “Dear Mister Wayne,” it reads, and that is where normalcy ends. “Thank you so much for taking in Danny, I was so worried when he had to escape our parents.” Which is already an extremely worrying sentence. Made even more worrisome with the fact that there is no Danny currently residing in his manor.

His family is in chaos. Tim has three screens in front of him, ranting about living firewalls to Barbara, while Dick leans over his shoulder.

Alfred has lifted a thick three-ring binder out of the care package that this Jasmine Nightingale has sent them, and is flipping through it. Apparently this binder contains all of the medical, psychological, and cultural information needed to make sure that Danny’s species can thrive. Because the missing teen that should be in his manor is not human, but some sort of human/ghost hybrid.

“Father, I think this warrants an emergency meeting with the Justice League.” His youngest says. “There is currently a government agency hunting Cujo and Daniel, citing laws that directly counter the Meta Human Protection Acts. This cannot stand.” Cujo, the green glowing, 10 foot ghostdog that delivered the package and letter this morning by density shifting into the dining room during breakfast. Damian was of course attached.

“Uh, Alfred?” Duke starts form where he and Jason have been emptying the care package, “there’s a huge first aid kit here, but most of it is glowing.” Jason, of course, is turning the high tech laser pistols over in his hands, getting a feel for the handling and grip.

Bruce let’s his eyes skim over the letter again, his eyes catching on words like “Ghost King”, “Infinite Realms”, and “vivisection”. “I know it takes Danny a while to open up,” the letter reads, “so I’m beyond grateful that he feels safe enough with you.” Except he doesn’t, because Danny is not here. Somewhere out on the streets of Gotham is a half dead teenager, hurt and alone. And Bruce didn’t know. Didn’t know any of it until his sister sent him a care package, because apparently this kid has lied to his sister that he’s safe, that he found somewhere to stay.

He doesn’t notice the sudden hush behind him until Jason breaks it. “Is that fucking Lazarus Water?!” Bruce lowers his head back into his hands.

“I will prepare a room for the young master.” Alfred sniffs as his footsteps go towards the elevator. “I’m finding this kid.” Jason answers, leaving towards the lockers “Wait, Little Wing! I’m coming with!” Well, at least Dick can hopefully keep Jason in line. He prays to Rao this doesn’t mean he has to deal with a half-ghost, immensely powerful teen that struggles with Pit Rage.

Meanwhile:

Oversharing is Caring - Prudabaga

Luo Binghe constantly trying to woo Linguang who is completely oblivious.

Just Mobei Jun who keeps actually trying to kill Luo Binghe because 'stop trying to fuck my dad/uncle' it's like the always sunny meme 'did you fuck my dad Junshang?'

So like? He's never gonna shut up about that. Cause you KNOW Shen "I am luo binghe-sexual" Yuan was all, "wow... you look A LOT like what I image luo binghe would look like. And are very forward. Am I being seduced? Is this... a bad life choice happening? Huh. All right. Let's get naked."

Which, obviously, is why a young Mobei-jun vowed to one day MURDER him.

He's lucky Mobei-jun couldn't get to him under that fucking mountain.

But like? Grand demon tradition! You want that hot, hot Dilf ass? Fight me for it! (Excuse me!? D:<) not now, sweety, Daddy's bringing the belt. (Oh god. Why did I let you-) *Tianlang-jun's shirt gets ripped* (oh right)

And just? D:< Binghe is Young and Hot! Has both daddy AND mommy issues! He's WAY better then this DECREPIT old man! He bet he's WAY better at sex! (Oh god, now you've set him off) *Tianlang-jun grins like Christmas has come early, opens his unfairly pretty mouth, and unleashes the kinkiest most innuendo laden filth ever heard by mortal ears. Several demons blush so hard they pass out.*

......*binghe points at his own father* YOU WHORE!

And that's why I GET THE DILF, BRAT! *cackling*

Meanwhile? The previous Mobei-jun? Who's on his freaking death bed? Just wants these assholes out of his castle. Brother... brother WHY. Why does your incredibly tappable ass keeping causing them all these problems? Ffs, man. Just get married already! Does he have to literally make it his dying wish?

Mobei-jun? Lookin a little crazed around the eyes. Gripping his servant by the shoulders, trying to shake secrets out of him. How. Tell him how to Kill God. He wants that old man DEAD, you hear him? That Pervert dares steps foot in this palace? And he'll sets fire to the building. There MUST be a poison that works on them! A beast! Something!!

Shang Qinghua is both alarmed and confused.

I'm just imagining Tianlang Jun constantly trying to seduce Shen Yuan and him just not noticing, all flying above his head.

Then Tianlung gets out and sees his kid is getting further that him... game on! It's a challenge now.

Like? The desire to MURDER this man? Genetic. Mobei-jun Sr. also wanted him very, very dead. To get the FUCK out of his castle, the FUCK of his lands, and the HELL away for his unfortunately Incredibly Sexy(?) Brother!

(He's been informed about the "sexy" thing. He can't actually tell but it seems to be checking out. That's his brother and he like women, though so like? Meh. Specifically, his brother's ex-fiancee who is now his wife. Worked out great for everyone.)

It's like getting invaded by a sex pest.

Because it IS.

And the WORST part is his brother doesn't even find him OBNOXIOUS. Just "embarrassingly forward". Like? Brother. Brother, no. You oblivious, snowflake brained, fluff rabbit. That man is a slut. He reads cheap human porn in public. His SISTER FUCKED A SNAKE! I refuse to be related to him.

"But I'm discovering my sexuality and no one else is interested"?

MY ROYAL ASS THEYRE NOT.

*snaps fingers* Show of hands! *a sea of hands goes up*

God, he was so, SO relieved? When Su Xiyan showed up? Thank MERCIFUL FUCK. It's OVER.

....... *palace master fucks that up for him* *also attacks his brother and kid, who just wanted to buy some fucking books* ah. So this is what incoherent wrath feels like. I see.

*SO many Haun Hua cultivators die. Bloody and screaming.*

And like? He knows Heaven Demons. That shit can't hold him forever. Probably. Or he'd have been able to get rid of him YEARS ago. So like... promise me. PROMISE ME. Do NOT marry the Sex Pest! Brother, LOOK ME IN THE EYES. Swear it!

*is laying on death bed*

*Gods awful Sex Pest's FUCKIN SON SHOWS UP*

........are you kidding me? *said sone starts making ♡.♡ eyes at his brother* ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? It's GENETIC!?!?

Then the fuckers start FIGHTING on his FRONT LAWN. (Bastard didn't even have the decency to die under that mountain?! Oh, COME ON!) Just? Sr.? Having the WORST time as a king and big brother. Why the fuck did his little brother have to be some sort of legendary Homme Fatale? He gets GIFT BASKET TRIBUTES from the incubus clans! This is such BULLSHIT!!

So for the purposes of this, Shen Yuan's family is basically $10 Bananas levels of cluelessly rich. Shen Yuan has almost never had to look at the prices of anything he wants. He and his siblings all get an allowance from the family's main account, which increases when they reach adulthood, and in the interest of fairness his parents made it all the same size. So Shen Yuan gets the same amount of money for his daily living expenses as his older brothers with their penthouse apartments and vacation homes and private jets, at least from the family account (since he doesn't work, he doesn't actually make as much as them in total because they earn more on top of their allowances).

And the thing is, Shen Yuan genuinely just lives a lot more humbly. He likes people but what would he do with a vacation house? Anything really nice would probably require him to fly to get out there, and he gets sick as hell on planes. Living in the central city is also not great for him, because the air pollution is so bad. Having a whole house to himself would also be ridiculous. So he has a reasonable apartment, in a reasonable area, and he splurges every so often on purchases that make him happy and take-out food that he likes, and of course he pays a cleaning service to come in twice a week. Most people assume he's comfortably middle class and has some tech job he does from home, but he's been getting a lot more than he's been spending in his monthly allowances for years now, and the figures are big.

Enter into this environment author Airplane and his trash novels. Novels, multiple, because in this AU there's no PIDW, and instead after some alternate PIDW prototype got popular in the harem genre, Airplane decided to churn out a series of copy-paste shorter stories rather than recycling the same subplots in one massively long epic.

Shen Yuan of course discovers Airplane's writing and becomes as obsessed with it as ever, except this time he notices that if there are delays between new stories, they seem to clear up faster whenever he throws some cash at the problem. And also that the drops in Airplane's writing quality coincide with times when Shen Yuan was having health issues and not keeping up with his VIP purchases. So, he works out that Airplane's probably doing the writing for the money, and that when Peerless Cucumber isn't paying the most for it, Airplane starts listening to the other buffoons in the comment section more to try and entice them to pay his bills instead.

Peerless Cucumber leaves a comment on one of Airplane's latest stories that kicks off the two of them actually chatting, and Shen Yuan eventually gets to the point of offering to fund all Airplane's writing, in exchange for Airplane not doing his crap sellout stuff to appeal to other readers anymore. Airplane thinks he's joking or maybe mocking him. Shen Yuan asks how much it would cost. Airplane fires off a ridiculous number. Shen Yuan doesn't even blink and wires him the first payment. Then he gets annoyed because Airplane leaves him on read for a while, but that's because Airplane is staring at his account balance in shock.

Of course, it's Airplane who starts referring to Peerless Cucumber as his sugar daddy. Shen Yuan is just like "based on your sex scenes I don't think anyone would pay you for that" and Airplane's all "but you WOULD pay for my sex scenes ^_~" and Shen Yuan's like "technically I am actually paying you not to write that shit" and so on. Usual banter. The quality of Airplane's writing improves dramatically, a lot of his readership drops off but he does get new readers and gradually builds up an even bigger fanbase than before, and so on, it all goes pretty well. He eventually writes a few things that take off to the point of getting physical publications and international translations. Technically Airplane no longer needs Shen Yuan to pay all of his bills by that point but he's not going to tell Shen Yuan that! The contract's still good as long as he keeps writing!

Then one of Airplane's online acquaintances runs into some financial trouble and asks for help.

Jake: What is it? Can I do anything to make my wife happy?

Neytiri: ...

Jake as she continues, poking her gently: what is it- what is it~

Neytiri: I want...

Jake: Yes~?

Neytiri: To see... Tonowari mount you.

Jake: ... ah.

Now, from Calvin's point of view what has happened is that he spotted actual aliens, and starts trying to bring this to the attention if the adults. But the tourists are like, "that's nice, go shoot 'em with your water gun, have a good time," and the locals are like, "yeah, they're an older couple who decided to retire here. Happens all the time." Eventually, it becomes clear that Spaceman Spiff is going to have to handle it himself.

From Lilo's point of view, Jumba and Pleakley are her gay uncles, do you mind? Calvin does mind, and so the two of them spend the rest of the afternoon terrorizing Kaua'i in the effort to destroy one another while the aliens alternate between bailing them out of trouble and attempting to escape.

"Sorry, Aunt Petunia." by Emily_Elizabeth_Fowl, sparklygems

A single change can make a world of difference.

Or, in other words, Harry accidentally says "Sorry, Aunt Petunia," to Snape of all people.

Chaos ensues.

Attached by randomausfulloffluff

Soon before Voldemort kills the Potters, Lily comes to Severus and makes him promise to protect Harry. This vow alerts him when Harry is in danger a week after his parents' deaths. After retrieving Harry to Hogwarts, Severus is determined to keep his distance as much as possible — but when does Severus ever get what he wants?

In which Severus is a Glorified Potter PillowTM and the Hogwarts staff is the peanut gallery.

Live and learn by Hejsan_Svejsan_Booo

Severus never imagined his life would be like this, everything changed when he found a young hurt girl in the woods who he decided to take in and call his daughter. Thanks to her he changed his whole trajectory of life, and now here he was, trying to save the Longbottom’s. His daughter befriending Percy Weasley, and leading Severus straight to a young and hurt Harry Potter. But even though his life was chaotic he would not want to change it.

Menagerie by Bil

AU. Take one Severus Snape, one baby Potter, and one insane Headmaster; simmer gently and stir well. Don't forget to duck!

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat by AverageFish

Bleeding out on the floorboards, Severus greeted death as a friend. He wasn't expecting to wake up.

Stuck in the infant body of Harry Potter, with his addled cousin by his side, Severus is walking a mile in a very different pair of shoes.

A time travel fix-it. The oddest Severitus (Sevitus) you'll ever read. Betad by Eider Down.

Stripped Down and Rebuilt by SofiaDragon

Severus Snape doesn't think Albus' plan to martyr Potter will work out and knows nothing of the secret setup to give Harry a chance to live through the killing curse a second time. He decides that what they really needed was to start hunting the Horcruxes years ago instead of waiting for children to do it for them. He sends back his private notes and everything needed to brew a potion to strip off the spells that are restricting his behavior. He expects that his younger self will receive the information in 1992 at best.

The adventures of Snape slowly adopting Harry Potter by Flumet

An AO3 Series

A series of one-shots that follow Severus as he first takes care of Harry "temporarily" and then slowly becomes his adoptive father.

The Guardian by Anifan1

After the death of the Dursleys before Harry’s eighth birthday, it’s suddenly up to Severus Snape to take care of him. Temporarily, of course. Until a better guardian can be found. Severitis (non-biological). NO corporal punishment. AU, but follows canon knowledge of the Dursleys.

The Tragedy of Severus Snape (as Directed by Teenagers) by destieldumbbitch

All Harry wanted in his third year was a bit of peace, maybe some decent marks in Potions, and definitely fewer life-threatening disasters. Instead, he somehow becomes Hogwarts’ unwilling therapist, accidental matchmaker, and (apparently) Snape’s semi-adopted son. Featuring: a gleeful matchmaking conspiracy, Lupin deciding subtlety is optional, Snape suffering in silence (mostly), and far too much student gossip.

There's Something Different About Snape by a_decently_sized_worm @a-decently-sized-worm

The year is 2025. An average guy gets hit by a car on his way home from work and dies.

In another universe, the year is 1992. Severus Snape wakes up. He proceeds to have a panic attack.

What if? by alwayslily22, and Des98

An AO3 Series

First <Previous Next>

Barbra was happy to be home. She had a great time with her dad and was proud of him for taking the time off, but she missed home. She went to check her case files after she had settled in to find one flagged by Bruce as a family emergency. She opened the file and immediately called Bruce upon seeing the name at the top and lack of information.

“Bruce what happened with Danny? Are the kids okay? Where’s Tim?” She asked as she readied to go to the cave. With something serious enough to warrant a family emergency, they should all be centralized. Especially to be there for Tim if anything had happened to Danny.

Jazz: What?

Danny: Remember how I told Ghostwriter I was going to write a novel just to shut him up?

Jazz: Yeah?

Danny: Well, I actually did it.

Jazz: Really? Danny! That's huge! Writing can be so hard!

Danny: Thanks, it was a lot of fun.

Jazz: Of course. Did you just finish writing it? Is that why you gasped like that?

Danny: Oh no, I finished it weeks ago. I just got an email from Queen Publishing that they want to be my publishing company

Jazz: *spits out water* WHAT?!

Danny: I know! I didn't even submit it!

Jazz: Oh....it might be a scam.

Danny: Oh. Yeah. You're right. That makes sense.

Maddie bursts into the room: It's not a scam! I found your manuscript while I cleaned your room and sent it in! Oh, Danny, it was a wonderful piece!

Jack right behind her carrying a rainbow cake: On a unrelated note, you know we love you right? No matter what?

Maddie unzipping her hazard suit to reveal a t-shirt with the words Be Who You are in rainbow: WE SUPPORT YOU CHILD

Jazz: Ummmm??

Danny: The book is about the holidays personified as gay men who come to Earth and fall in love with humans. I based them off the Bats from Gotham.

Jazz: Ah. Yeah that explains the parents but not why you choose the Bats.

Danny: Simple. Batman is Halloween because his big and scary. Nightwing is Valentines because of how bubbly and loving he is. Red Hood is ground hog day because-

Jazz: You made Red Hood into a gay personification of Ground Hog Day!?

Danny: Its makes sense in the plot

Jazz: HOW!?

Danny: You can read my book and find out. Queen Industries will have the first printout by late November.

Jack in the background: LOVE IS LOVE. NO MAN'S HEART IS SAFE FROM THE FENTONS!!

Maddie: RAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Danny: I can't tell if they want me to fight other men or date them