mostly MCYT

“So I’m guessing no one has approached you with an HHH job?” Cleo asked.

“Nope.” Joe sighed. “Well, if no one needs anything, we can weed the community garden.” He said, indicating to the long-ignored garden at spawn. “You know what I was thinking about the other day?”

“What’s that, Joe?” Cleo sat down on the ground.

“You. More specifically, how you’re dead. Even more specifically, I was wondering if your zombie body could be used as fertilizer. Now hear me out-”

“Hello Cleo And Joe Hills!”

Joe was cut off by a loud voice, and he and Cleo turned around to find King Ren standing on top of the community tent, holding a megaphone to his mouth.

“Howdy King Ren!” Joe said, doing his best megaphone impression by cupping his hands around his mouth. “Do you need any help with anything today? Hermits Helping Hermits is happening and helping until two today!”

“Oh Joe Hills, You Read My Mind, Baby!” Ren dropped down in front of them and patted Joe on the back. He lowered his megaphone and leaned in conspiratorially. “So, when you say Hermits Helping Hermits, I was wondering, does that helpage have limits?”

Cleo stood up and crossed her arms. “Hypothetically no, but it’s at our discretion. Like, we won’t rub your feet.”

“Okay, what about murder?” Ren whispered, covering the mouth of his megaphone just in case.

Cleo and Joe looked at each other, Cleo raising an eyebrow and Joe shrugging.

“Yeah I guess, HHH can help with that until two. I’m always down for a bit of murder.” Cleo said. “Who’s the target?”

“This shouldn’t take long. The soup group dudes are the targets: Impulse, Gem, and Pearl. I have received wordage that they plan to remove me and my crown from power, and that just won’t do! I need them gone!”

“Sure thing, king guy.” Joe said. “Any particular way we should do the murdering?”

“No, I’ll leave that up to you.” Ren said. He lifted the megaphone back to his mouth. “King Out!” He flew away, the megaphone screeching and making the king whimper.

“Right, well, I guess the weeding can wait another week.” Joe said.

“Tragic.” Cleo said, although Joe wasn’t sure she was actually sad about not being able to weed the garden. “Shall we?”

“Now Cleo.” Joe said, stopping her from taking off into the sky. “This is not some simple matter. This is going to be a two against three fight if we aren’t prepared. Also, forgive me, but didn’t Pearl brutally kill you in double life?”

“Yeah, yeah, and Gem’s won an MCC.” Cleo sighed.

“What about Impulse?” Joe asked.

Cleo considered the question. “Impulse is a sweet guy.” She finally said.

“So we should go for him first?”

“Oh, definitely.” Cleo said, pulling out her knife. “Can we go now?”

“We need potions- invisibility, maybe strength…” Joe reminded her. “That’ll be easy, we can get them from Cub, then we can go.”

After stocking up on potions, food, and weapons, Cleo and Joe took off for the soup group’s area.

“Pearl’s landscape is gorgeous…” Cleo sighed.

“This whole area is super well-done, let’s not kid ourselves. We’re in the presence of masters of the craft.” Joe responded, and they landed in a tree to scope out the situation. “Where could they be?”

“Oh, look, nametags!” Cleo whispered, pointing to the huge blue-topped mushroom in the middle of Pearl’s landscape. And indeed, there were three nametags up in the bulb of the mushroom. “That must be them!”

“Okay, invisibility on!” Joe whispered. They both drank the potions. “I’ll hold my sword in my hand so you can see me, Cleo. We have to be super sneaky- I’m sure they’re expecting assassins.”

Cleo and Joe snuck their way across the alien landscape, tiptoeing around bushes and pausing as a cat seemed to take notice of them, but passed by after a while. They stopped to drink more invisibility potions when they needed to, and when they finally got to the mushroom base, they each drank a strength potion. They made their way up the stairs, and right at the door to the top, they could hear Impulse’s rumbling voice, Gem’s sweet tones, and Pearl’s Australian accent.

Joe looked to Cleo, as they were visible now, and nodded his head.

“SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!” Cleo shouted, brandishing her sword.

“Howdy yall, Hermits Helping Hermits here helping as we always do in this mushroom!” Joe said at the same time.

Pearl, Impulse, and Gem were gathered around a round table, all stunned for a second.

“What’s going on?” Impulse asked.

“We’re going to kill you!” Joe cried.

“Joe! Subtly, remember?” Cleo called to him.

“Oh, right. Darn it. We’re not going to kill you!”

Pearl scratched her head. “What?”

Cleo leapt at her and pinned her to the ground, knife against her throat. Joe raced forward and just kind of barreled into Impulse and Gem- Gem got knocked over, but Joe just kind of bounced off Impulse’s chest. So, he pointed his sword at Impulse instead.

“We have been asked to kill you by the king for plotting against him.” Cleo said. “Which is a service that HHH apparently provides now.”

“Wait…” Joe said suddenly. “Hey Cleo, what time is it?”

Cleo held onto the knife with one hand and pulled out her pocket watch with the other. “Huh. Looks like it’s two o’clock, Joe.”