The Miss-Spellings Of An Addict

So to go along with the new year I wanted to open up my vault a little bit and let out some of the more emotional turmoil that has happened to me with my love life in the past years. I don't normally do this but I'm really working this year on giving a fuck about the more important things, which means these past regrets, heartbreaks and lost ties need to be cleared away to make room for these self improvements. What better way than to write everything down and basically throw it into the black primordial hole that is the internet? These are things I've locked away for a long time and it's not to say I'm not happy, because I'm actually more at ease than I've ever been before. But my partner deserves the best version of me and so I will reconstruct and build her from the ground up.

So here it is, all starting with my most recent ex.

We will call him N.

Listen, I'm obviously still very upset about how things turned out. I realize us breaking up was my doing but that's not why I'm feeling this way. We were friends once upon a time. Very close friends. For almost a full decade, man. 8 1/2 YEARS. We basically watched each other grow up. And maybe I gave you more credit than you deserved; because lord knows I do a lot of that, but we always sought each other's friendship out. I loved you. I had told you time and time again I loved you, just not romantically. Sadly I truly feel you waited until I needed you most and swooped in. Now maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, you're not all to blame here. I am responsible for my own actions, but I really cannot stand this self pity act you put on the moment we split. After I took care of you, let you move in so you weren't living in a dangerous situation, I bought you hundreds of dollars worth of vitamins and changed our food habits when you got sick from your own alcohol and drug problem, even made sure you had home cooked meals when you wanted. I let you use my car to get to work even though you couldn't even afford half the rent so gas and insurance were fully on me... anyways I'm rambling again. I just want to let you know us dating was a mistake, but not because you're a bad person but because we aren't compatible. I needed someone who was able to understand me and push me to become better. As a friend you were supportive and caring. As a boyfriend you were like a child to me, taking no care in my wants or needs. And as an ex I am very much disappointed in your actions and manipulive behaviors. I wish things would have been different because you really helped me through a lot of rough times in my life, and I know I was there for you through many as well.