Xuebing Du
tumblr dot com
#extradirty
h
KIROKAZE
blake kathryn
wallacepolsom
Andulka
DEAR READER
i don't do bad sauce passes
oozey mess
ellievsbear
One Nice Bug Per Day
trying on a metaphor
Today's Document
RMH
noise dept.
cherry valley forever
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Finland
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Russia
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from T1
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from Algeria
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from South Africa
seen from Malaysia
seen from Türkiye
@oper1895
hollanov orgasm denial is my favorite game in the world it’s like charlie brown football. shane so fucking horny and frustrated is like please. just this once. just this once will you let me kick the football. and ilya is like yes of course :) this time you’ll definitely get to kick the football :) and then he just yanks it away again <3
what ilya is doing to shane on the daily
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
You cannot convince me Steph didn’t awkwardly say, “I am in love” or “I love you” here.
the idea of them sitting down at a restaurant for lunch with shane's parents and shane was running late so ilya's already done the whole allergy check by the time he gets there, and the waitress is waiting to take his order and shane is a little ruffled because Late and Person Is Waiting On Me, so ilya ever so helpfully, "the chicken sandwich loves you" "ilya please" "the chicken *burger* hates you, though. she is slut for sesame seeds." "can you please just be normal about this ONE time." yuna from across the table: "the salmon salad loves you, too, if you get it without croutons." "i swear to GOD i will move to another table."
(referencing this post)
this is so cute and so funny and i am enjoying shane's embarrassment and despair at the hands of his concerned and loving family so much
david very helpfully volunteers that "the tilapia, uh.... cheated on you? since last time? they said they changed the recipe for the breading and now it has almonds."
shane puts his head in his hands like "maybe anaphylaxis would be better than this. i'm not even that hungry."
"shane! there's no need to be so dramatic," yuna says.
ilya, ever the helpful menace, has a suggestion. "lyubimyy, we ordered loving appetizers for the table to share. you and i could split a main dish as well? it will be like a threeso—"
shane stands up, tells the waitress "i am so sorry for the delay. i'll have the salmon salad without croutons," and goes to use the bathroom for A Moment Of Peace, Please God Above
the waitress has so many questions, and she is getting no answers. but she very carefully logs the order and notes that it's because of allergies, and she gets a very nice tip at the end of the hollander-rozanov family's lunch.
shane after being told so sincerely, "i already checked menu. there are many lovers for you." iN THIS PUBLIC SPACE. ILYA, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU.
(also david trying to adopt this metaphor is fucking KILLING ME) (shane just ready to sink into the pit of the earth as his parents are telling him that the bread at this restaurant got a mistress since last time) (it's sesame) (free him)
the margherita pizza now has a second family :(
shane knows, abstractly, that service workers tend to recognize regular customers. he's heard about people who walk into their favorite coffee shops and have their drinks already waiting for them at the counter by the time they step up to order.
having a waitress memorize his entire list of allergens and adopt the colloquialisms his family uses to refer to them feels like it goes a good deal beyond that, however. he can not believe this is happening to him. thank god this hasn't been leaked to social media.
(yet. which he's thankful for! because he's feeling like it's becoming increasingly likely for someone to get an out of context video of ilya saying some shit like "this focaccia is ready to fall deeply in love you" or "the curry is a cheater. has many affair babies with cashews, and is not even paying child support." shane doesn't know what he'll do when that happens)
OH NO
i feel like shane would fucking DIE of humiliation if it happened, but the idea of a video going viral that's just the two of them slightly out of frame at an event and at a distance, so what the camera catches is shane takes a bite of a cookie, ilya turns and goes, "no! spit it out *muffled audio* slut. bad." and shane immediately grabs a napkin and spits it out, and then ilya puts a hand on his back and the two of them walk out of the room very fast.
and the reaction online is oh my GOD??? ilya rozanov treats him like this??? what an ASSHOLE?? controlling what he eats?? calling him a SLUT IN PUBLIC?? BECAUSE HE WANTED A *COOKIE*??? and then making him LEAVE???
and how do you even START to explain, "no, my husband has food allergies, and it's an ongoing joke that food loves him or is a slut and will kill him. he thought the cookie was one of the safe ones we requested catering to have, but it was one of the ones from a multi-pack i saw earlier, and there were peanut butter cookies near it, and saying the cookie is a slut was the fastest way to communicate that he needed to spit it out NOW so he could go rinse his mouth out."
the idea of ilya actually being a really good husband but it looking SO BAD because it requires so many layers of context is fucking SENDING ME.
Actor Anthony Head, known for his roles in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Ted Lasso,” has died at 72
only a real Shane understander knows that this is actually character work
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
only a real Shane understander knows that this is actually character work
Sometimes getting checked is fun, you know??
every ugly thing you hold inside
socks stay ON
habs you are honestly really funny. 'they spent all this time studying' counterspell: you play wildly different each game
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Yuna watching Shane and Ilya roughhousing in the backyard with narrow eyes and David walks up and places a comforting hand on her shoulder , “it’s fine they’re not really fighting” and she nods “yeah I know I know it’s just - they’re like cats a little. I can never tell if they’re actually fighting, playing or,” she clears her throat and blushes, “or getting frisky.” David opens his mouth, then closes it because honestly…he can’t tell either. Shane had accidentally given Ilya a bloody nose the last time they wrestled and they just had to go home to get a Ilya a new shirt and which made sense at the time but now….huh. “I think boys will be boys. Even the queer ones.” David replies but then Ilya has Shane is a headlock and Ilya’s saying something to him as Shane tries to squirm out of his grip and-
“but I do think they’ll be heading home soon.” David chuckles.
Trying to chain fly some wool but then cat approaches lays on lap. Now I'm stuck. One hand holding chain fly can't type because of that so we're doing voice to text. See how that works out other hand. Trying to keep cat from yarn but he's so big and so heavy. I can't scoop him up with one hand to move him. So now I am just stuck and text send post done stop
Chain ply not fly play no ply . Done. Send post finished. Stop typing! Oh Jesus Christ don't capitalize Jesus Christ. This is this is Tumblr don't do. Don't do that. Don't capitalize Tumblr this is the worst drop stop
aw prev your tags made me smile so big!! Thank you and I'm really glad that my little criminal causing chaos made you laugh :) and I WAS able to finish plying my yarn, we reached a "look but don't touch" cold war agreement and were both equally annoyed at each other the whole time 😌
Absolutely delighted to read this and please give kitty pets from all of us here 🫴💜🐈
(Source: Sen the donkey)
Can we recenter Miles and the little salute he gives Ilya at the club
I saw that and very much wanted the threesome with Ilya Shane and Miles. Was very disappointed that it didn't seem to exist.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I know there’s a lot of Shane and Ilya PDA jokes in fics because they’re our chosen children, but Harris and Troy are (canonically!) the ones who aren’t holding back. Troy has only had one secret relationship with a douchebag. Harris is very proud to be gay and dating a hot hockey player. They’re like the perfect storm for PDA
I could see Shane preparing to stay an arms length away from Ilya at practice but then he goes to Harris’s office to do some social media intro videos and Troy’s there fully straddling Harris’s lap while they make out. Shane’s standing in the doorway stunned like “THAT’S ALLOWED???”
I do think Shane owns a Celine Dion CD. It used to be Yuna's but she left it in his car once and now it belongs to him. I do think that there is a day when he and Yuna are driving somewhere with Ilya in the back seat (Because Ilya is Shane's passenger princess but Yuna is Ilya's mother in law and in Ilya's mind that means she gets perpetual shotgun rights) and maybe it's been a rough fucking day for everyone and maybe something in the set of Shane's brow reminds Yuna of something they used to do and so she wordlessly opens the glove compartment and pulls out the Celine Dion CD (Falling Into You, 1996, Shane had just turned five and he used to kick his feet against the back of her seat while they drove down the highway--) and presses play.
And Ilya abruptly realizes that Something Is Happening when the music starts and both Hollanders just. INHALE. The sound of wind. Achingly sweet piano. Shane clears his throat.
"THERE WERE NIGHTS WHEN THE WIND WAS SO COLD," Yuna and Shane all but yell.
They pull into the driveway of the Hollanders' house just as the song ends. Shane has those not-tears clinging to his eyelashes. Yuna's face is blotchy.
"Something happened on the way here," Ilya says when he stumbles into the kitchen to find David.
"Oh?" David holds a spatula aloft as his family flows into the room. "A moose again?"
"Celine Dion," Yuna says, voice still a little thick.
"Ah," David says. "I didn't realize it was a Celine Dion kind of day. I'll pull out more wine."
So Ilya forgets about it a little, because wine, and then it's 2021 and everyone in the world suddenly thinks they belong in Ilya's fucking bed and Shane is falling apart at the seams, just a little, and Ilya is thinking about all of it while the Hollanders are helping them drive back and forth between Ottawa and Montreal for the third time that week, moving cars and people and lives between two cities.
And he looks at Shane, who's beside him in the back seat this time, and Ilya leans forward between the two front seats and puts his head on Yuna's shoulder and says, "Celine Dion."
And Yuna puts the CD on and thinks about the precious cargo in the backseat, like she has every time she's heard this song for the last twenty years. Double the cargo now. Her two babies.
"It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now."
