gah

“Wow,” said Saint George as he plunged his most holy of weapons into the enveloping darkness of the beast. “What do you call these genitals of yours?” “It is a word unpronounceable by human tongue,” roared the dragon. “Well, whatever it is, it feels fantastic,” said George.

“Dragon,” said George. “Must you speak so loudly?“  "This is as quiet as I can be,” roared the dragon. “It is also as loud as I can be. Dragons only have one volume.” “Huh,” said George.

And then the dragon ate George. It ate him for the better part of an hour. Then they tried it the other way ‘round for a while, but it was logistically awkward due to their vastly different sizes, so George just ended up doing hand stuff and that worked out for everyone.

“Dragon,” said George as he reclined on the dragon. “Do you love me?” The dragon thought.

“I love things about you. I love the thing we do that is quite like sex. I love making you laugh and when you make me laugh in turn. I love how happy and at peace it makes me feel just to be near you.”

“I don’t love all the pieces of you, but it would be near impossible to count the things about you I do love and I can count very high. I hope that is enough.” George considered this. “Yes,” he said. “I believe it is.” And so it was.

“Hey,” said George as the dragon’s breath began to grow quicker. “If you want to cum on me, that’s totally fine. I have a towel. Knights are always prepared.” “My ejaculate is thousands of degrees hot,” said the dragon. “Oh,” said George. “Never mind, then.”

“I am showing you the weak spot on my belly,” said the dragon. “A single arrow here would strike me dead.” “I am honored you trust me so,” said George. “It is also an erogenous zone,” said the dragon. “Just FYI.”

"One cannot trust a dragon,” stated Sir Pellinore, drawing himself to his feet. “They may speak the words of man, but they do so with a forked tongue.” “A really long, really flexible tongue,” said George. “What?” said Sir Pellinore. “Nothing,” said George.

“George is fighting a dragon again,” said Sir Pellinore. “It’s the same dragon,” said Beowulf darkly. “I thought he impaled that one on his lance. "He did.” “Well, he’s wrestling it now, the brave lad. He’s even doing it in the proper Greek style.” “Of course he is.”

“Behold, oh man,” roared the dragon. “I have engaged in the ancient ritual of cleansing flame, purifying my body completely.” “So we’re clear for assplay?” Asked George. “Oh yes.” “What is that?”

“It’s a cigarette,” explained George. “I’m smoking.” “Of course you are,” said the dragon. “What?” said George. “Nothing. You are being very cute right now.”

“So, I heard you ate Guy of Warwick,” said George. “And I want to let you know it’s okay. We never talked about being exclusive. You’re free to do whatever you want.” “That was not a euphemism. I was just hungry.” “Oh,” said George. “Never mind, then.”

“What are you doing?,” asked the dragon. “I’m trying to work your nipples,” said George. “Not a mammal.” “Right.”

“This is where you live? It’s very nice, as far as caves go,” said George. “I did not realize how dirty it was in here. Your halo is really lighting up the place. Making me see how much I need to clean.” “Sorry. I don’t know how to turn it off.”

“That dragon you’ve been fighting seems to be giving you all sorts of trouble. Do you need help killing the beast?” asked Sir Pellinore. “I notice that you’ve got some claw marks on your back and bite marks on your inner thigh.” “I’m good,” said George.

“How do you like the tea? I made it myself,” said George proudly. “I do not like it very much, but I do appreciate you sharing it with me,” said the dragon. “That’s fine,” said George. “I suppose dragons have different taste buds than humans.” “Sure, let us go with that.”

I have to assume that in the fullness of time, at least once, a mouse has used a mushroom as an umbrella.

Also! Bonus frog!

In order to make sure this “Celestial” doesn’t vanish back into the skies and leave him behind, Binghe decides on a desperate solution: steal Shen Yuan’s cloak. (In his head, this works like the myth of celestial maidens or star spirits who can’t return home if someone takes their robe.)

Anyways- Snake Demon! Shen Yuan

As the drawing states, he is old, like, very old. I have it in mind that he's Tianlang-Jun's senior, not by a huge amount but still older. He's not a heavenly demon, but a rare species of snake that can basically live for eternity unless they get killed in very specific ways. Hence why he looks so jaded, my man has been through a LOT.

Shen Yuan, after hundreds of years in the demon realm, decided that he was going to take care of all the demon orphans that were struggling to survive on the streets. Conflicts and diseases meant that the amounts of orphans basically never went down, and he couldn't simply watch them struggle.

At certain points, he even took care of human children that had found themselves in one way or another in the realm. In general, he does not turn down visitors, be it demon, human or cultivator.

So now Shen Yuan has a huge house! And ten children. And maybe another five that he eventually adopts. And many more who join along the way. And obviously he needs babysitters to look after them while he works, so he hires nannies. And cooks. And servants. And teachers.

Then suddenly everyone is calling Master Shen, they bow down to him, and treat him as if he were a master of a demonic sect. And Shen Yuan doesn't care about reputation! He gets paid more when they think he's important, he gets more jobs, and that means more money to spoil his children!

What he didn't take into account is, of course, that Emperor Luo Binghe would arrive at his doorstep. Having destroyed all the cultivation sects, why did this arrogant cultivator think he would allow that one existed just because it was demonic? Luo Binghe is furious: his harem doesn't interest him, there isn't a kind Shizun out there for him who doesn't have another weak copy of him, and now this arrogant cultivator takes advantage of his absence to form a sect.

But Luo Binghe is benevolent: since the demonic cultivator did nothing to him, he will give this arrogant master a warning to dissolve his sect, or Luo Binghe will have it burned. If he is smart, the arrogant cultivator will know what to choose.

Except that the arrogant black and green-robed cultivator simply completely denies having a demonic cultivation sect, introduces the more than twenty demon-children under his care as his children, and even invites Luo Binghe to stay if he wants to prove that it is actually his family and not a sect.

Uh oh.

Also nobody could see him before Shen Qingqiu’s cultivation leveled up, so he doesn’t know that his own little cultivation went up and that other people (specifically peak lords) can see him now.

He’s just tearing into Qi Qingqi after she yelled at Shen Qingqiu and called him a lecher during a peak lord meeting. She’s just sitting there baffled—as is everyone else present—as they watch Shen Qingqiu flick his fan open to hide a smile as lil’ SY tears her a new one (thinking that she can’t see him, hear him, and doesn’t know he exists)

SY: “Your martial siblings are so dumb it’s pissing me off. You’d think they verify the information they receive before putting it out there. Like yeah we’ve been to the brothel but nobody’s seen you sleeping with anyone—because you’ve never done that there—so where did this whole lecher thing spread?! There are tons of other reasons someone would visit a brothel, if they chose to think negatively and jump to conclusions without verifying it first then they shouldn’t be peak lords. We should run away and just be a rogue cultivator honestly”

Go harass Mu Qingfang obviously - though the doctor just sighs at him and tells him that particular poison requires dual cultivation with one's true love and "I cannot make you love your wife Luo Binghe."

That can't be the only solution, and after pestering him more Mu Qingfang agrees to introduce LBH to a colleague who might be able to help.

Immortal Master Shen ("No relation.")MQF explains as they head to a nearby mountain, was trained on CQMS along side MQF's Shizun and is an expert in handling the kind of poison affecting Binghe's wife.

"So he's an expert in dual cultivation?" LBH asked.

"Not at all," MQF said. "Please be mindful that Master Shen has been in seclusion for many years and only emerged recently."

(Shen Yuan transmigrated in early as an NPC, decided to focus on medicine - and then missed the whole plot because he got stuck in a cave in. At least his cultivation is really high now.)

LBH can't help but stare at the ethereal person they find gardening outside a hut in the woods. Master Shen Yuan looks... similar to his old master, but not identical. And they couldn't act less alike. SY listens to LBH's dilemma, asks what type of poison it was, and then says he can probably fix the issue.

"How?" LBH asks because he's still under the impression that papapa is the only solution.

"Oh most of the time you can just stimulate the right nerves or induce fission and that works too- it should for this poison."

"What about the true love requirement?"

"Oh that's easy," SY says. "One true love doesn't exist."

So they all head back to Wife 23, SY says everyone can stay in the room while he works so MQF and LBH settle in.

SY sits at the Wife's bed side and takes her hand. They talk for nearly an hour, about her- her interests and hobbies, where she's from, her family...

(Oh right, LBH remembers now, demon fish princess, married to form an alliance with her tribe who control one of the demon realm's few rivers)

Eventually SY pulls out a guqin and starts playing a song for her. LBH doesn't recognize it, but it reminds him of running water somehow, and when the song crescendos his wife gasps and then starts crying. LBH has been monitoring his wife with his blood mites, and he feels the poison fade as SY ends his song.

Once he's done he tucks her in and tells her to rest, she'll feel better soon.

LBH waits until they all leave her to ask. "So you're my wife's true love?"

SY tuts,"I told you, it doesn't exist- so the poison or curse or whatever it is can't actually be looking for it. What they're looking for instead is intent and the desire to protect. You have to want to be her true love and want to help her."

"You want to be her true love?"

"I did in there-most people are so lovable when you look closely. She's a sweet girl, and she was scared. How could I not love her? Of course I wanted to help her stay safe and healthy. "

He smiles and speaks softly and there's no judgement in his tone. Nothing at all about Luo Binghe's failure to love this woman as he should. He pats Binghe's arm as he leaves and tells him to come by if he needs anything else.

The Owl Demon! Shen Jiu.

Recently, my brain has been completely taken over by the idea of turning Shen Jiu into a demon/half-demon using some random plot hole for harem in PIDW, which was discovered by Wu Yanzi. And then I added the reunion of QiJiu to this boiling cauldron and I urgently needed some art or fanfiction on this theme. And... well, I’ve already done the art. The fanfic is probably just a matter of time. I’m too obsessed, and I need to get my writing skills back anyway.

And besides, just imagine Shen Jiu turning into a little owl (I mean a Eurasian Scops-Owl, because... Have you seen photos of them? They’re a perfect fit for Shen Jiu) and follows her Qi-ge everywhere, whilst all the peak lords go mad trying to figure out how a bloody bird can look at them with such disapproval and who that mysterious figure is that was spotted late at night in the window of Yue-shixiong’s chambers????

naturally, my mind immediately went to cumplane

imagine. they were secretly friends with benefits in their first life when they were both in college (pre-pidw days). xiang fei would put this song on every time they fucked until shen yuan flat out told him he hated it and xf's taste in music sucked and the song's rhythm isn't even good to papapa to. devastated, xiang fei, a child of the 21st century, complained about it on socmed (wholeheartedly believing that with china's vast population and him posting from an anonymous account, there was 0 chance anyone they both knew in real life would recognise it)

unfortunately for him, shen tang, a fan of "today i fucked up" stories and frequent visitor of the forum xiang fei had posted on, immediately recognised the song as that really obscure one her brother's college friend mentioned when he came for dinner a couple of weeks ago. the ages and other details from the post also matched everything about her brother and his friend

naturally, shen yuan is incredibly flustered their definitely-not-gay fwb relationship is now out, breaks up with xiang fei and blocks him everywhere. xiang fei is heartbroken, and it's only years later - when he starts writing a stallion novel - that he finally, kind of, moves on from shen yuan. thankfully, a particular hatereader of his novel is a pretty entertaining distraction from ruminating about his past fuckups

cue transmigration, peak lord meeting. yue qingyuan is giving a particularly dull speech (something about health and safety, probably). xf!shang qinghua doesn't even notice when he starts to tap that song's melody on the table's surface with his fingers as his mind drifts back to his very first crush from college....

"XIANG FEI?!"

sees art with sketchy thin line art: ah yes i want my art to look like that