OopsyBaby

The thing about love is that you can’t control it, you just wake up one day and it’s like, ‘shit, I love this person!’

They say when you know, you know and I believe that to an extent. I think you can think very early on in a relationship, ‘this is going to be my person’ but of course they will only be your person if they think that too!

I think every love is different, for some people it’s security, be that financially or emotionally, for others it’s mad passion, crazy rows and wild sex. A simple companionship for some and just pure unexplainable joy when around someone for others.

I think I’ve only been in real love once before, for me that love was pride and being in awe of someone, putting them on a pedestal, thinking everything they did was amazing, every joke they told was funny, every tale they told enthralling, believing they were so perfect looking that they once told me as a joke that their face had been measured and they were perfectly symmetrical, a fib that I believed for Six years out of love! But that love for me was also insecurity, wanting to change who I am fundamentally to be the ‘right fit’, losing pride in myself because all my adoration went to my person. It was becoming reliant on someone, needing that persons approval and setting them ridiculous expectations because I thought so highly of them that they could never possible be as amazing as I expected them to be.

It was young love, childish love and even though I felt adored by them a lot, it was quite one sided love.

Its now Ten years since my heart was broken, and after many short lived wannabe loves and a lot of infatuations or half hearted one sided relationships, usually me being on the non loving end, that I have finally found Love again!

Two way street love and as an adult, it feels so different, so much easier and more enjoyable!

It’s fresh Love so things are bound to change for better and for worse but right now, it is literally the best thing ever! It’s all the good things you see in Love, I’ve never felt so secure with anyone, so looked after and protected, which I didn’t even realise was something that love is to me. Yes, there is a little of that obsessive Sophie nature, that thinks my lover is so beautiful and funny and clever and amazing at everything and that I am so lucky to have them, but there’s no insecurity with it because I know that they think all the same things about me!

It feels healthy! There’s no games that often lead us to being infatuated and then hurt, it’s just honest and straight up love! And the best part is, I don’t have to change anything about me to be the ‘right fit’ for him because we just lock together in every way, naturally, there’s no forced smiles or awkward conversations, there’s no becoming a wallflower so not to overshadow him, there’s just us, bouncing off each other, working in harmony without trying and it’s perfect.

It’s a strange feeling not being scared of being hurt, being relaxed enough to just enjoy it, not waiting for something to spoil it. And that isn’t because I don’t care, it’s because I trust him, fully, something I don’t think I’ve experienced with any other boyfriend. Again something I didn’t realise, until now, is such a massive part of Love.

I’m so happy, I want to shout it from the rooftops ‘I’ve found my person!!!!’ , but instead I’ll settle for writing it here!

The biggest Pro of being in lockdown for me has got to be finding out the Mum I want to be!

At the start it was really hard, being a single parent, even though I had a boyfriend at the start of lockdown, that sometimes made it even harder! I have had Ivy 24/7 for the majority of the last few months which I didn’t realise, I don’t normally really do.

Suddenly I was very aware that she was missing out on ‘nursery activities’ like crafting, play dough, messy play, water play, etc as well as the obvious time with other kids her age! Even when not at nursery, we would often be out with friends and their children and having play dates , where she would be playing with kids rather than with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the Mum who doesn’t interact with her child and join in the playing or do some drawing and reading books, but I wasn’t aware until lockdown, quite how much time and play and learning time wasn’t solely down to me.

I started out trying to be super mum, making homemade play doh which amused her for all of five minutes after taking me way longer than that to bloody make!!

Spending hours painting with her then hours after bedtime cleaning up all the mess and paint off everything!!!

Buying every craft thing I could possibly think of on eBay ready for our all day playtime everyday!!

Starting potty training and deciding I would learn Welsh so that Ivy can be bilingual!

But a couple of weeks in, that all went to shit! Well, more or less! I realised that I dont need to be supermum! I’m a single parent and I cannot possibly keep a clean house, a well fed child, as well as being a playmate all day everyday!!!

And that’s when things got better!

Yes, we play together, today we went puddle splashing in the rain, both in our wellies and both had so much fun! We still have painting and crafting time but she’s perfectly happy for me to duck in and out of it while I do the washing up.

Ivy now ‘helps’ with the chores like hoovering and hanging the washing so I don’t have to spend hours past her bedtime cleaning the house!

I gave up on potty training as she clearly isn’t ready for it!

And hey, sometimes she sits zombiefied watching TV while I do stuff or while I have a catch up with friends on the phone, and that’s ok! It’s not a crime to let your child have some TV time especially if it means they also have a sane parent!!!

It hit me today when I went out to lie on my temporary make shift Lockdown roof garden, that I haven’t relaxed for a second since all this Corona Virus stuff hit us!

I’ve been so busy worrying about ‘what’s next’ and ‘how to amuse a bossy impatient Two Year old non stop’ and ‘how to live with my Boyfriend on lockdown without Corona pushing him down the stairs’, that I’ve barely really stopped to think what is going on out there or even to actually try and enjoy this time we’ve been given to press pause on life!

I’ve had ‘relax’ time when Ivy naps or when Rob has her so I can have a break but I’ve just been doing my usual block out life response and sleeping at every chance I get!

Today though, I went outside on my roof garden while Rob took Ivy out for her daily people avoiding walk for exercise, and I spent some time reading and reflecting.

I can’t help but think this is nature’s way of making us all just stop!

And because we are all so wrapped up in our jobs or our kids or our social media, and wired to just go, go, go, and ‘publicly live our best lives’ we are all really struggling to JUST STOP!

Today I spoke to my next door neighbours for the first time, I’ve lived here 6 years and they’ve lived here 10 years and I wouldn’t have even recognised them in the street! How awful is that!? I always thought that where I live in Penarth was a lovely little ‘community’ where people know each other, yet it’s taken a life threatening illness to make me take the time to have a conversation with my neighbour!

I think Covid-19 has separated the nation too, one half of us is taking this seriously, as it is bloody serious and heeding government warnings to stay inside, even though it’s tough, and doing our best to get through this as quickly as we can and resume ‘normality’, or at least a new normality! Whilst others are following some of the rules, but then we see social media pictures of them with their whole family at the beach or park writing messages to ‘stay inside’ for the rest of the world, the rules obviously don’t apply to them though! And then there’s the ‘it doesn’t affect us’ people, lapping up this gorgeous weather with beach bbqs for all their friends or group picnics in their local party parks! Being 19 doesn’t make you immune to Covid-19 sorry folks! And not to forget the older generation who are more at risk but don’t seem to care, I had to take a trip to the doctors last week, and had to ask 4 different elderly people to stay Two meters away from me. You may have lived through worst times but I’m sure your family would like you to live through this too! Just stay safe!!!

I am also enjoying just having time for Ivy, time to just play with her, without worrying about the washing up or other house chores because, well, what’s the rush? I’m loving just being fully there with her, in the moment, dancing round our living room or painting a beautiful mess with her and seeing how much she loves me being so involved in everything we are doing is lush! I’m making myself a promise to not lose that time when life gets back to ‘normal’!

And time with my Boyfriend, he’s staying here whilst we are on lockdown and although there’s been times when I’ve thought ‘one of us isn’t making it out of this alive!’ , in general, I think it’s been strength building for us, I’m so grateful for all the help he gives me with Ivy and we are getting into a good routine that I hope we can continue when this is over!

And of course the positives that I hope everyone comes out of this nightmare with! Realising just how fortunate we are to have our amazing NHS workers and all the other key workers who don’t get much of a mention, like rubbish collectors, grocery shop assistants, postmen, factory workers and many more! We are all busy moaning about what predicament we are personally left in at present, but I for one am grateful that all I have to do is stay home with the people I love and do my full time Mumming job, no ones asking me to risk my life serving other people, I’m safe. Let’s not forget that not every has that luxury.

Anyway, whatever situation you are in during this horrible time, look for the positives and support each other! And remember, we are ALL in this together 💕

Today was a bad day, not because anything major happened or I had bad news or for any other rational reason. Today was just bad. Call it what you like, the black dog, the dark cloud, SAD, but today I could not get away from it. No matter what I did, I was carrying around the urge to punch just about everyone in the face, the anxiety eating away at my tummy and that voice telling me that I can’t cope. Today sucked.

I am a fairly logical person so I try to decipher my feelings, in order to overcome them. I’ve come to the conclusion that being a single Mum in a relationship, is actually harder for me than just being a single Mum. I can’t help but have these unfair expectations of my partner, but I will not ask for help, instead I just expect him to know that I just need him to watch Ivy for 30 minutes while I shower alone for once. I expect him to know that despite my saying ‘yes stay home and watch the football’, I actually want him to come out for a walk with us or better yet, just take Ivy out for an hour so I can breathe!!!! I expect! I expect a lot of unfair things and often they lead to me then not appreciating the things I don’t expect, like the little lie in I had this morning when my partner got up with Ivy or the ice cream he went and bought to cheer me up. Expectations are often a bad thing.

As a totally single Mum, I know it’s all on me and I can deal with that. My hate to be reliant on anyone else is not a problem then, but having someone there for me actually makes my anxiety worse, I think. I really need to stop fighting myself, being determined to always be so fiercely independent.

To be fair, on days like today, it could have been anyone that I was depositing my darkness onto, he was just the one here in the firing line. On days like today I know better than to have company, I know to be alone, well, alone with Ivy at least. Ivy never gets my darkness, somehow her innocence makes it impossible to give her anything but light. Even on days like today when her bedtime can’t come soon enough, I still adore her. She still makes me smile, she is the light that never goes out for me.

Terrible Twos have definitely come early in our house, for us both! In the past month there’s been some good ‘big girl’ changes, some bad ‘big girl’ changes, and some damn right ugly ‘big girl’ changes!!!!

On the brighter end of Change is that Ivy transitioned to sleeping in a bed instead of a cot super easily! She hasn’t once got out of bed or tried to climb the safety gate to freedom ...yet! And her talking is getting better everyday, she’s started counting in the right order instead of just randomly shouting numbers and she proudly told me four different colours the other night at 3am!!! Dreaming of rainbows I guess!!!!

The dark end is the terrible Two tantrums! She literally goes from zero to a hundred in less than a second! Mainly if I tell her she can’t do or have something but sometimes I’m sure it’s just because she feels like being a little cow! It’s so conflicting to want to cuddle your crying child and tell them it’s okay, but also knowing that they have to learn that hitting you in the face or yanking your hair as hard as they can, is just not ok!! I think they’ve been the ugliest of moments, when she purposely hurts me and then laughs in my face, the rage transfers to me and the urge to put her in the bin is strong!!! But that’s where Motherly love comes in to play, knowing that no matter how much you want to scream at your child in that split second, you would never do a thing to hurt them, not ever!!! Thank god for Motherly love or Ivy would be long gone!!!!

She’s also at that age where she’s getting clever... sneaky even! Like if I don’t give in to her then she’ll call for my partner ‘Robbbbb’ or sometimes ‘dadddddyyyyy’ , basically anyone except her evil mother who won’t let her have her own way!!! Thankfully she hasn’t clicked on yet to the fact that all she actually has to do is say ‘mummmyyy’ in her cute little voice and give me a cuddle and kiss and I’m putty in her hands as her affectionate and loving side literally melts me!!!!

Seriously though, the things that she tantrums about.... me giving her water when she asked for water but actually wanted milk! Me putting a rain cover over her pram when it’s pouring with rain! Her having to wear socks on her feet instead of her hands.... it’s bizarre to think what must go on in her little mind, I wonder if she actually thinks I’m really mean to her because she doesn’t understand why things happen??

I’ve never been one to dislike being alone, in fact alone time is something I need!!! So sharing my life with another person , or rather revolving my life around another person, my darling little cling on daughter, was hard for me.

Having been mostly single or in a relationship with someone who was only home at weekends for the last few years, I guess I had become rather selfish. I had gotten used to doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and my free time was never restricted so I could make plenty of plans with friends and family etc. And still have plenty of me me meeeeee time!

I thought I’d kind of got used to sharing my life with another person, and thought I was starting to get quite good at it, when a few months ago I met someone who is a game changer!

I wasn’t really taking dating very seriously, going through phases of thinking I wanted to meet someone, and then phases of being perfectly happy on my own with Ivy.

Then I went on a date, a quick drink as I didn’t have a babysitter for long, expecting it would probably be another first date, the same as the rest, repeating the same ‘first date conversations’ and me not being bothered about having a second date after, but it wasn’t. It was fun and he ‘got me’ and made me not want to leave! It was surprising!!!!

That was a few months ago and it’s been a whirlwind rollercoaster ride since! Not with him, to be fair he’s awesome, and for some reason puts up with my crazy, like the weather personality! But with me, having new emotions is making me a bit Cray cray!!!

I’m not used to sharing my time and space and people with someone else, I don’t even like to share food!!! (Luckily neither does he, so that works!) I’ve had more than a few freak outs when I’m feeling claustrophobic, but he understands and gives me space.

I don’t think I’ve ever had an adult relationship before, you know where you share all your secrets and lies and you talk things over when you’re upset, instead of throwing your toys out of the pram and running away because you’re scared of being hurt! It’s a whole knew world to me!

The space and me time thing is still freaking me out a bit, finding someone else’s socks in my laundry or wanting to go to bed at 8pm but feeling like it would be impolite to kick your guest out or just leave them to watch tv, does still give me the odd wobble, and by wobble I mean, I freak right out!!!

You could never oversell the joys being a Mum brings, but recently my friend asked me what’s so good about it? And I had to think for a minute because it’s really hard to explain....

I mean a lot of it is downright torture. I have to clean someone else’s shit off someone else’s ass everyday, occasionally off the floor and once or twice off myself.

I have had someone else’s sick in my hair in the last year, far more times than I care to remember.

I get woken up to the sound of screaming at least once a night and I can’t remember the last full nights sleep I had.

I can’t do simple chores without being pushed and nagged at to pick someone up.

I often have to carry an extra Two stone of small person around when I’m exhausted or ill or hot.

I get force fed chewed up food full of someone else’s saliva.

I have given up all of my space at home to various pieces of plastic and wood called toys!

And my idea of ‘a rest’ usually involves cleaning the house and picking up the array of toys strewn across my entire house!

If I’m honest, that should be enough to put anyone off having a child but you ask most parents, including me, if they enjoy it and you’ll see the big grin on their face form as they say they love it.

It’s not even a cruel trick to make other people procreate and join their world of pain, being a parent is honestly the most amazing thing!

This tiny person makes me laugh everyday, no matter how cross I am, she just knows exactly how to make me smile.

She cuddles me and say ‘awww’ and gives me big kisses complete with a loud ‘MWAH!’

She wants to be near me most of the time because she loves me so so much.

She wakes up and cries because I’m not there and the second I walk into sight, she is so so happy!

She shares all her food with me because she wants me to enjoy it too.

She wants to be involved in everything I’m doing because I’m so interesting to her.

And she wants me to be involved in everything she’s doing because she loves me having fun too.

We share so many proud moments as she says new words and learns new things, and she surprises me everyday with how smart she is!

Wonderful One!

Can the terrible Twos come early?! The woeful Ones maybe? I swear since turning One, Ivy has changed so much! Sometimes I wish she was less full of spirit and wild, mostly when she’s head butting the floor in a tantrum or trying to head butt my face, which thankfully is happening less often now, but mostly I love her crazy like the weather personality!

She can literally go from whining and sobbing to laughing and kissing you in a millisecond, if I didn’t know it was normal then I would honestly think my baby was bipolar!!!

Seriously though, I do try to understand Ivy’s emotions, mainly so my own like the weather personality doesn’t get the better of me! But, I really do think being a toddler must be frustrating as hell!!!!!

Imagine if you knew exactly what you wanted but you couldn’t reach it and you were trying to tell someone and ask them to help you but you were speaking a foreign language so they couldn’t understand you or even worse, you thought you were speaking their language but they were just talking nonsense back at you and ignoring your request all whilst smiling at you!!! Man, I would probably want to head but the floor and scream too!!!!

Then there’s the magical side of her wild and wonderful ways! How she laughs so hard at the littlest things, the massive kisses she gives me over and over, her super strong grip of anything she doesn’t want to let go of, including me, the exaggerated head nodding she does now to say Yes or how very gentle she becomes when singing and doing actions for round and round the garden! Toddlers are amazing!! And I’m so glad that mine has so much personality!

Although, sometimes it does stress me right out! Particularly in other people’s houses when she wants to explore all of the cupboards and press any buttons she can find, or at the park when she refuses to stay and picnic and runs the length of a field at super speed to get back to the swing that she’s just played on for Thirty minutes!!! On those occasions, a tiny part of me thinks how much easier a quieter, less curious and less strong minded child would be, but really I wouldn’t change her for the world!

It amazes me how sociable she is too, with people of any age and how she purposely makes me laugh most days!

Sometimes I think bringing up a toddler on my own is too hard and I don’t know what to do with her, but mostly I think it’s amazing and I am in awe of how strongly she feels and projects emotions, she’s been in the world for only Fourteen months and I swear she is more emotionally intelligent than some adults I’ve known!

She’s the one!

She’s the one , the one year old!!!! She actually turned One 2 weeks ago but I’ve been taking a while to process the brain spin I’ve had!

Firstly, all you knowing people who told me that I’d feel so emotional when she had her First birthday, you were wrong! It hit me a few days after her birthday! 😂

I’ve been feeling like all of a sudden things are going a million miles an hour, she’s a toddler now, she toddles everywhere! She talks and shouts at me and I think she may grow up to be an actress as she has fake crying down perfectly! It’s literally like a switch, crying one second, laughing the next! And how can you stop it without giving her what’s she wants every time? But I don’t want her being a brat! What to do? What to do?! My brain is constantly whirring and the more energy she has, the more stressed and overwhelmed I feel!

I’ve likened it to that emotional rollercoaster of having a newborn, I suddenly feel like this isn’t just a new chapter but a whole new book and Ive lost my page and haven’t a bloody clue what I’m doing all over again!

I need a routine but that gets thrown out every time I have to go to work and she’s at Nursery or at her Dads! I need to wean her off milk but she has a specific milk cry so am I not supposed to give her it even then? I want to do sleep training but by bedtime I’m too tired to commit to it and just get her to sleep like always for an easy life! I’m feeling a bit like I’m in an out of control car that has no breaks, and possibly no steering wheel and definitely no sat Nav to give me directions!

And it’s not just Ivy, although I think the huge change in her is the catalyst in my anxieties, but suddenly I feel like I’ve lost control of everything, there’s been so much change recently with returning to work, in a different role, and trying to change my diet and outlook to exercise, and attempting to have a social life as a single mother!!

So I’m working on Changing myself and my perspective now! Is not having control really that bad? Or can I learn to enjoy it?

I can’t ‘control’ Ivy, I don’t want to, I don’t own her, she’s a person, an actual little person now too, not a baby anymore!! Not having control at work can’t be that bad, I no longer need to stress or even think about work when I’m not there and that can’t be a bad thing can it? My diet, well, the plus side of anxiety is that I stop eating! Haha! And my social life, well this I need new perspective on, there’s plenty of sociable toddler friendly things to do, I just need to stop trying to plan things around Ives naps or eating times and be a little more relaxed and free and spur of the moment!

Hey ho, hey ho, it’s off to work I go!

I’ve been back in work for Two weeks now and i think I was emotionally all of the seven dwarfs at once!

Sleepy... well that’s just my permanent state as a mother!

Grumpy... that my year of freedom has come to an end!

Happy.... to get back a part of pre baby me!

Dopey.... because baby brain is a real thing and I wasn’t sure I could remember any of my work duties!

Bashful.... new people to meet and it’s been a long time since I was the “new girl”!

Doc... well, I do work in healthcare!

And sneezy.... ok Six out if Seven Dwarfs!

My first day was strange, I think the hardest part to get used to is not being the boss, I haven’t worked with a Manager above me on site in around Twelve Years so stepping down is a pretty big deal in my Career part of my life, I’m used to self motivating, being proactive and just getting on with it at work so now having to ask someone what they would like me to do is weird!

It’s also really hard to accept that things I found important as a Manager, may not be as important to another Manager, there’s no right or wrong, it’s just different ways of working and I need to learn to butt out because it’s not my place to implement things anymore and I imagine I am an absolute nightmare to manage!!!

It’s surprising how quickly you get back in the swing of things, my fingers remembered most of my passwords without my brain realising, and when people asked me questions, I knew the answer without thinking.

I am finding it a strange adjustment from being a non stop Mum to a little Monkey climbing and now walking around. I must admit at first I felt slightly bored, I’m not used to being able to stop and breathe and my once fast paced, constantly busy job, now feels like it’s a far slower pace and far less busy than my full time Mumming job! And somehow getting up at 6.45am for work feels earlier than every other day I get woken at or before that time by Ivy!

By my Second day, I felt settled and at ease again, mainly because the team I work with are just lush and so easy to get on with so it’s pretty enjoyable being around them. But even now, a couple of weeks in it feels like something is missing, that something obviously being the responsibility that I used to have! I can’t get used to an easier working life yet!! It was also really nice that numerous people from the store that we are based in came and welcomed me back, some of whom I didn’t even know I knew! My bad!!

My friend started back in her job the same time as me and she said she’d been really teary leaving her daughter in the morning, and asked if I miss Ivy when I’m at work.... now, I feel bad saying this but I don’t miss her! I think about her and talk about her all day but it’s actually quite nice being around adults and having non baby related conversations about travel and Netflix and dating lives and all the other things that people without children talk about! I feel like a bad Mother for saying that but now I know that she is settled and enjoying nursery, I feel like I can enjoy a little bit of ‘old me’ life!

So, all in all, there’s pros and cons to being a working Mum, a bit of wanted and unwanted ‘normality’ but I am lucky to still work somewhere I love and with amazing people!

There are going to be times when you are sad in front of your child, which is of course normal but I recently discovered how hard I try to not be upset in front of Ivy and I don’t really know why.

Yesterday I took my cats of Twelve years to Anna’s Rescue Centre, who I must say do an amazing job and really care for the cats they rescue and adopt. It was such a tough decision and One that I’m still not sure was the right decision. I’ve had both my cats since they were born and they’ve been through all my ups and downs with me, when I’ve been lonely they’ve been there for a cuddle, they’ve kept me company through all my sleepless nights and they’ve shown me affection when I’ve needed to know I am loved.

Additionally, I can’t deny that they have hated everyone except me, often thrown up on my carpet, cost me an arm and a leg in food and vet bills, and brought me numerous disgusting ‘gifts’ ranging from massive dragon flies, huge moths to baby birds, mice and even a rat once!

The latter paragraph being where they got their nickname ‘shitcats’ from basically anyone who met them! I loved them though, they were shit but they were mine! However, the level of Shitcats shit behaviour has been so much worse since Ivy came along and I’ve tried for a year, hoping they’d settle but the pissing in her cot and pram continued and crying really loudly outside her door the second I get her to sleep, and I just can’t deal with the stress anymore. I also can’t give them anywhere near the attention and love they want and deserve so I went to Anna’s Rescue centre to re-home them.

Ivy’s Dad took me and was unexpectedly waiting with Ivy and a big hug at the entrance rather than in the car when I came out, I was proper ugly crying, like big sobs and in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me why I had taken them there, he handed me Ivy to cuddle me!

That’s when I realised that I didn’t want her to see me upset, so I fake smiled and kissed her whilst the tears streamed down my face. I don’t really know why, I guess I feel like me being sad would make her sad and I don’t want that.

I remember when my Eldest sister passed away a few years ago and my other Sister said that she hadn’t cried because she couldn’t, she couldn’t break down in front of her kids and I didn’t really understand it until now. You don’t want to inflict pain on the little person/people that you love the most, you don’t want them to feel your sadness, you want them to see how happy they make you and you want to make them smile.

So it’s all over, the decorations are down, the New Year has settled and another year is here with the promise of making it a great year ahead of us!

Christmas was very different this year, for a start, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m a Mother! Which means I don’t get to act like a complete child anymore, because now I have a child.

I wanted to do the best I could for Ivy for her First Christmas so I invited her Dad to spend Christmas Eve with us overnight so that he could be there for her first Christmas morning and I think it was the right thing to do. It was lush! He spent a lot of time here throughout December and it was a nice comfort.

Although, now it’s over and I’m back to reality, I know it wasn’t real. Playing happy families over the festive period was really nice and seeing how happy Ivy was with us both there together, getting to cuddle Mummy and Daddy at the same time, laugh with us both, eat dinner all together, all of it, she loved it and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it too.

It’s hard to switch back to how things were before, barely speaking to each other, no physical contact, definitely not sitting down to dinner as a family, but we need to. The very fact that it made Ivy happy, means she’s aware of our actions and the last thing I want is to confuse her. I’ve confused myself enough. On the other hand, stopping something that clearly makes her happy is hard too!

Nothing is ever straight forward is it!

Along with that, because her Dad was here, I didn’t see my Sister and nieces at all on Christmas Day which impacted me more than I expected, after all, they are my ‘happy place’ along with Ivy so it made Christmas feel a bit strange! And then in a good strange way, my Dad really surprised me by not only joining us happily for Christmas Dinner at my brothers but also by being absolutely amazing with the kids! He’s never really shown a big interest in his grandchildren, but since I had Ivy, he’s totally different. He loves her and she loves him too, she’s all smiles for Grumpy Grandad. That in itself was a nice Christmas present.

My other lovely present was Ivy walking Ten steps on Christmas Day! At exactly Eleven months old! What a clever little sausage! She is growing up far too quickly!! It scares me!!

New Year’s Eve came and went, like every other day, no alcohol or partying for me! And until today, Four days into 2019, I haven’t had any alone time to reflect and plan. My New Years resolution is to be kinder to myself, no more saying Yes to things I don’t want to do, no more putting myself down in how I look or how I parent or how I am. In the words of Cinderella’s Mum, ‘have courage and be kind’. And I’m adding on ‘to yourself’ at the end.

I have so much to be happy about and although my anxiety is through the roof lately as I deal with more changes of going back to work in a different role, Ivy starting nursery which so far, she hates and getting back to “normal” on the Ivy’s Dad front, the happy things outweigh it all!

I have a beautiful healthy clever loving little girl, a nice home, wonderful friends and an amazing family, I am starting 2019 looking at the positives and being grateful for each and every one of them!

Christmas time, mistletoe & probably a cup of tea because I’m on Mother Duty!

So this is Christmas ... Ivy’s First Christmas! And I couldn’t feel less Christmassy! It’s Christmas Eve and although all the presents are wrapped under the tree and the fridge is full of Christmas food, I’m just not feeling it! I was all excited in October & November, maybe I peaked too early?!

Anyone who knows me, will know that I’m normally like an Elf this time of year so I really don’t know what’s up with me?! Has being a Mother suddenly changed how I feel at Christmas because now I am the grown up?!!!! I hope not! My theory is because I have been off work, I’ve had far less people to spread Christmas cheer to! Also, I haven’t had a single Christmas Party, and that’s part of the Christmas fun isn’t it!!

As it’s my First Christmas with Ivy, she has been spoilt rotten, so much so that we are going to open some presents today, some Tomorrow and some on Boxing Day! I’ve made myself a promise that next year I will be sticking to the Four present rule of Something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read! She has been given gifts from loads of my lovely friends too which is so kind!!!

And the bit that Christmas is really about for me is family, so Ivy’s Dad is staying with us tonight so that he can be here for her first Christmas morning too! I know she won’t remember it but I think it’s good for us both to share the special moments with her! Then we will be with my brother and his family and Ives grumpy grandad! And then my Sister and her family in the evening!

It all sounds so civil and normal that I’m wondering what’s actually going to happen!! Haha!

Right, I better go and make Christmas Eve breakfast! Baileys and Chocolate is okay for an 11 Month old right???!!! No?! Oh well, I better have it all myself!!!!

So I am doing something awful, something terrible, something that I feel so guilty about that it is over taking my excitement..... I am going on Holiday without my Baby!

I have wanted to go to Paris for as long as I can remember, I have booked flights to go twice but due to Snow and Pregnancy both ended up Cancelled! I wanted to wait to go with the love of my life, but she’s here now and I’m not taking her! And as much as I am so excited to see all the amazing and beautiful things that I have planned to see forever, I am riddled with guilt for leaving Ivy behind!!

There were a few reasons for me going without her, in my head they go:

1. I’m a terrible Mother!

2. I’m a terrible Mother!!

3. I’m a terrible Mother!!!

But in reality, the thought of flying with her, packing everything she needs, her causing a commotion on the Plane, and travelling around an unknown city with a 10 Month old Ivy, just terrifies me!!! Maybe as a couple it would be easier, but as a single Mum, it’s bloody scary!

It also falls on a weekend that she will be with her Dad, so if I took her then she wouldn’t see him for a Month! I know she’ll be fine with him but it’s daunting to know that I’m not local if anything happened or if she just wouldn’t settle for him.

Then there’s the fact that I really didn’t want to spoil it for my Darling friend Rowena, who I am going with. She is lush and of course, was more than happy for Ivy to come with us, but I know I’d spend the whole time apologising and stressing and well, ruining it for myself as well as her!

And finally, the part I feel extra guilty about, I need a break! Just a couple of days away, being the old pre-baby me, not having a million chores to do while the baby is out of the house with her Dad, just a couple of days enjoying adult things that I love like art and wine! I haven’t had a holiday for 18 months which is a long time for me, I need to explore and see new things!!!

I know that they are all rational reasons, so why can’t I shift this damn guilt?! Am I really doing something wrong? Will she be upset to know I went without her, when she’s older? Am I super selfish spending money on a trip for me when I am a single Mum?

How do you manage to not laugh at your child when they do “naughty” things that are just pretty funny?! It’s like trying not to laugh when someone falls over, impossible!! Or is that just me being horrible?!

Lately, Ivy has taken a liking to pooing on the floor when it’s nakey time! It’s disgusting and I am surprised at how little it bothers me cleaning it up but she looks so pleased with herself after, that it’s bloody hard not to laugh!!! Especially when I catch her doing it and try and stop her but she thinks it’s a game so crawls as fast as she can to get away from me but is still pooing! Crawl pooing!!!!

She also loves to bang her head against things, harder and harder whilst laughing at me telling her ‘no!’ And how can I not laugh at that crazy girl!!

When she’s eating, she likes to rub the food in her hair and eyes, it’s annoying as hell trying to clean her up afterwards but I can’t help but smile whilst trying to stop her!

How the hell am I going to bring up a good girl when I just laugh at all her naughties already!

When I was 13 I got ‘arrested’ for shoplifting, all I had taken was 3 tiny bath pearls from the bath pick and mix that was in Boots back in the day, but my friends had filled their boots so we were all in it together! When I was being interviewed with my Mum next to me, the police officer asked what I was going to do with the stolen items and i replied in all seriousness deadpan ‘take a bath?!’ My Mum immediately started laughing and then upon realising she shouldn’t laugh whilst I was being interviewed by the police, she started trying to disguise it as a cough!

I’ll never forget that and it kind of summed up her complete lack of discipline, she just wanted us to laugh and have fun as much as possible and whilst I can’t argue with that being lovely, I wonder if i would have turned out so ‘straight’ or if I would have been a wild child if I hadn’t been so terrified of my Dad who was way stricter and much less fun than my Mum?!

Although, on getting home from the police station expecting a rollocking from my Dad, he actually didn’t say anything all evening until a Boots advert came on the TV and then he just said ‘you’ve been there today, haven’t you Sophie?!’ And even ‘that’ was enough to make me cry!!!

Anyway, my point is, kids are funny little buggers and I have to play the role of 100% Mum & 90% Dad, so how do I find the balance between being Fun and making sure there’s always a smile of Ivy’s beautiful little face, but also making sure she knows right and wrong and understands that No means No!! She’s already a stubborn little Madame, so I know that I am going to have my hands full as she grows up, I just hope she puts her determination into doing good and working hard, rather than running wild and ending up in prison!!!

Anyone who’s read the that’s not my.... touchy feely books must feel this way sometimes!

That’s not my baby, she’s way too moany!

That’s not my baby, she’s staying awake all night!

That’s not my baby, she won’t go anywhere except in my arms!

I am the first to admit that I have it easy with Ivy, compared to lots of Mums, she’s always smiling, rarely cries, loves food and loves sleep and is quite content to play by herself while I do chores! I appreciate my win on the baby lottery everyday and although everyone tells me, how hard I must have it being a single Mum and that they just don’t know how I do it alone, I actually think I have such a good and happy baby, that I probably have it easier than most Mums!

Until she’s unwell.....!!!

I have never felt more alone than I feel when Ivy is unwell and crying lots and won’t sleep or eat and we are both tired and fed up and it’s just us.

Last time Ivy was unwell, it was on a weekend that her Dad would normally have her, but I wanted her home so he stayed with us for the weekend instead. We had to take her back and forth to the hospital as her temperature wouldn’t come down and she was sick and I was stressed and panicky and I couldn’t have been more glad that he was there! And it wasn’t just having the support and how much easier it was having someone to drive us back and forth to hospital. It was all the little things that I’ve never had so I haven’t missed them, someone to be able to pass her to because she’s ill and clingy and wants a non stop cuddle session, being able to go to the toilet or shower alone, someone else getting up in the night to comfort her when she wakes, being able to cook a meal without a little monkey trying to climb the safety gate to the kitchen, having someone to reassure me when I’m panicking. You can’t miss what you’ve never had, but I’ve had a glimpse at what raising a child in a couple is now and I think I understand now, why people always tell me how hard I have it, because they have a constant support there and now I’ve experienced that, single Mum life seems all the more difficult!

This week Ives has had HFAM, the most horrible sore blistery rash and of course, a crying baby that won’t sleep or eat, wants to be constantly cuddled but also doesn’t want to be cuddled, just basically, ‘that’s not my baby..!’ and I had to do the thing I hate to do, I had to ask for help!

I am lucky to have the most wonderful best friend in my sister who is more support than any man could be any day, she stayed up all night with Ivy the Second night and took us to hospital when the GP sent us, she even took my poorly cat to the vets, she is basically SuperSister!

I just don’t know how people do it, who are completely single parenting without some amazing person there to rescue them when they hit the ‘I can’t cope!’ Point. I know deep down though that I could cope, if I needed to, I could cry with Ivy, and I would eventually get to sleep and recuperate when she’s better but I feel so lucky to have an amazing Sister to help me and sometimes Ivy’s Dad if it’s a weekend, so yes, single parenting can be bloody hard! Appreciate the support you have and if you do feel like you’re alone, know that you aren’t, and don’t be scared to ask for help!

Clingy baby or clingy Mum?!

So let’s define ‘Clingy’ ... according to google we have....

clingy

ˈklɪŋi/

adjective

adjective: clingy; comparative adjective: clingier; superlative adjective: clingiest

1. 1. 
(of a garment) liable to cling; clinging."a clingy top"

2. 2. 
(of a person) too emotionally dependent."at about 18 months my son became very clingy"

Or a few descriptions from the Urban dictionary some of which make sense with a baby too....

Clingy

When a person becomes annoying by always wanting to be around you, talking to you, calling you and just basically suffocating you.

clingy

A Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Significant Other who doesn't know the definition of "space"

And just one that made me laugh....

Clingy

When an adorable lovable person constantly touches you to show that they're compassionate & care about you. These people aren't out to get you, or are weird or want a weird sexual relationship with you, they're just very loving & caring people. Don't be rude, they're just showing they care. If being clingy is a bad thing to you, you need to see a psychologist soon.

I personally hate the word ‘clingy’ but it gets thrown around in Baby world a lot, I’ve used it myself a few times on those days when Ivy just will not be put down and literally clings to me like a baby Monkey, but I think it’s a very negative word when perhaps it shouldn’t be.

For example, on my occasions of use, ‘ivy is so clingy today, I can’t get anything done and it’s annoying’. Now, wouldn’t that be nicer if I said, ‘I’m struggling to do things today because Ivy just wants us to give each other love and cuddles all day and I love that’. Because i do love her cuddling into me and showing me love so how can I possibly get annoyed at that? What’s more important to me, cuddling the love of my life or doing the dishes? She’s a baby, she just wants love and security, how can that ever be a bad thing? And for that matter how can that be a bad thing in any relationship?

Then there is the other side, there are Mums who call themselves or other Mums ‘Clingy’, this is even more confusing! You have this tiny Human who you spend all of your time with and who is dependant on you to meet their every need and want, how can you do that without being a bit ‘clingy’?!

I have never referred to myself as a clingy Mum because I always think I’m pretty relaxed with Ivy, but when I think what makes people think they are clingy, then yes, I probably am!

Since she arrived, I’ve always tried to make sure Ivy is around lots of different people and that they hold her and play with her etc, because I know that she has to be away from me when her Dad has her and I want that to be as easy as it can be for her, so in that aspect, I’m not ‘clingy’.

However, moving her to sleep in her own room was really hard for me, I kept having to go and check she was ok several times a night, she was fine, it was all me being ‘clingy’. I also don’t feel ready to turn her pram to be outward facing because the thought of not being able to see her face upsets me, she will probably love it when I do but I’m clinging on to being able to look at her for as long as possible! And then there’s the times that she cries when someone else is holding her, is it just me or is it normal to internally scream ‘give her back right now!!’ And want to immediately snatch her back into your arms and never want to let go of her again?! Even with my sister who is like her Second Mum or even with her Dad, I just want to be the only One comforting her, because she’s MY baby!!!! Is that clingy?!