#ivywinter

The biggest Pro of being in lockdown for me has got to be finding out the Mum I want to be!

At the start it was really hard, being a single parent, even though I had a boyfriend at the start of lockdown, that sometimes made it even harder! I have had Ivy 24/7 for the majority of the last few months which I didn’t realise, I don’t normally really do.

Suddenly I was very aware that she was missing out on ‘nursery activities’ like crafting, play dough, messy play, water play, etc as well as the obvious time with other kids her age! Even when not at nursery, we would often be out with friends and their children and having play dates , where she would be playing with kids rather than with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the Mum who doesn’t interact with her child and join in the playing or do some drawing and reading books, but I wasn’t aware until lockdown, quite how much time and play and learning time wasn’t solely down to me.

I started out trying to be super mum, making homemade play doh which amused her for all of five minutes after taking me way longer than that to bloody make!!

Spending hours painting with her then hours after bedtime cleaning up all the mess and paint off everything!!!

Buying every craft thing I could possibly think of on eBay ready for our all day playtime everyday!!

Starting potty training and deciding I would learn Welsh so that Ivy can be bilingual!

But a couple of weeks in, that all went to shit! Well, more or less! I realised that I dont need to be supermum! I’m a single parent and I cannot possibly keep a clean house, a well fed child, as well as being a playmate all day everyday!!!

And that’s when things got better!

Yes, we play together, today we went puddle splashing in the rain, both in our wellies and both had so much fun! We still have painting and crafting time but she’s perfectly happy for me to duck in and out of it while I do the washing up.

Ivy now ‘helps’ with the chores like hoovering and hanging the washing so I don’t have to spend hours past her bedtime cleaning the house!

I gave up on potty training as she clearly isn’t ready for it!

And hey, sometimes she sits zombiefied watching TV while I do stuff or while I have a catch up with friends on the phone, and that’s ok! It’s not a crime to let your child have some TV time especially if it means they also have a sane parent!!!

Today was a bad day, not because anything major happened or I had bad news or for any other rational reason. Today was just bad. Call it what you like, the black dog, the dark cloud, SAD, but today I could not get away from it. No matter what I did, I was carrying around the urge to punch just about everyone in the face, the anxiety eating away at my tummy and that voice telling me that I can’t cope. Today sucked.

I am a fairly logical person so I try to decipher my feelings, in order to overcome them. I’ve come to the conclusion that being a single Mum in a relationship, is actually harder for me than just being a single Mum. I can’t help but have these unfair expectations of my partner, but I will not ask for help, instead I just expect him to know that I just need him to watch Ivy for 30 minutes while I shower alone for once. I expect him to know that despite my saying ‘yes stay home and watch the football’, I actually want him to come out for a walk with us or better yet, just take Ivy out for an hour so I can breathe!!!! I expect! I expect a lot of unfair things and often they lead to me then not appreciating the things I don’t expect, like the little lie in I had this morning when my partner got up with Ivy or the ice cream he went and bought to cheer me up. Expectations are often a bad thing.

As a totally single Mum, I know it’s all on me and I can deal with that. My hate to be reliant on anyone else is not a problem then, but having someone there for me actually makes my anxiety worse, I think. I really need to stop fighting myself, being determined to always be so fiercely independent.

To be fair, on days like today, it could have been anyone that I was depositing my darkness onto, he was just the one here in the firing line. On days like today I know better than to have company, I know to be alone, well, alone with Ivy at least. Ivy never gets my darkness, somehow her innocence makes it impossible to give her anything but light. Even on days like today when her bedtime can’t come soon enough, I still adore her. She still makes me smile, she is the light that never goes out for me.

There are going to be times when you are sad in front of your child, which is of course normal but I recently discovered how hard I try to not be upset in front of Ivy and I don’t really know why.

Yesterday I took my cats of Twelve years to Anna’s Rescue Centre, who I must say do an amazing job and really care for the cats they rescue and adopt. It was such a tough decision and One that I’m still not sure was the right decision. I’ve had both my cats since they were born and they’ve been through all my ups and downs with me, when I’ve been lonely they’ve been there for a cuddle, they’ve kept me company through all my sleepless nights and they’ve shown me affection when I’ve needed to know I am loved.

Additionally, I can’t deny that they have hated everyone except me, often thrown up on my carpet, cost me an arm and a leg in food and vet bills, and brought me numerous disgusting ‘gifts’ ranging from massive dragon flies, huge moths to baby birds, mice and even a rat once!

The latter paragraph being where they got their nickname ‘shitcats’ from basically anyone who met them! I loved them though, they were shit but they were mine! However, the level of Shitcats shit behaviour has been so much worse since Ivy came along and I’ve tried for a year, hoping they’d settle but the pissing in her cot and pram continued and crying really loudly outside her door the second I get her to sleep, and I just can’t deal with the stress anymore. I also can’t give them anywhere near the attention and love they want and deserve so I went to Anna’s Rescue centre to re-home them.

Ivy’s Dad took me and was unexpectedly waiting with Ivy and a big hug at the entrance rather than in the car when I came out, I was proper ugly crying, like big sobs and in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me why I had taken them there, he handed me Ivy to cuddle me!

That’s when I realised that I didn’t want her to see me upset, so I fake smiled and kissed her whilst the tears streamed down my face. I don’t really know why, I guess I feel like me being sad would make her sad and I don’t want that.

I remember when my Eldest sister passed away a few years ago and my other Sister said that she hadn’t cried because she couldn’t, she couldn’t break down in front of her kids and I didn’t really understand it until now. You don’t want to inflict pain on the little person/people that you love the most, you don’t want them to feel your sadness, you want them to see how happy they make you and you want to make them smile.

So it’s all over, the decorations are down, the New Year has settled and another year is here with the promise of making it a great year ahead of us!

Christmas was very different this year, for a start, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m a Mother! Which means I don’t get to act like a complete child anymore, because now I have a child.

I wanted to do the best I could for Ivy for her First Christmas so I invited her Dad to spend Christmas Eve with us overnight so that he could be there for her first Christmas morning and I think it was the right thing to do. It was lush! He spent a lot of time here throughout December and it was a nice comfort.

Although, now it’s over and I’m back to reality, I know it wasn’t real. Playing happy families over the festive period was really nice and seeing how happy Ivy was with us both there together, getting to cuddle Mummy and Daddy at the same time, laugh with us both, eat dinner all together, all of it, she loved it and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it too.

It’s hard to switch back to how things were before, barely speaking to each other, no physical contact, definitely not sitting down to dinner as a family, but we need to. The very fact that it made Ivy happy, means she’s aware of our actions and the last thing I want is to confuse her. I’ve confused myself enough. On the other hand, stopping something that clearly makes her happy is hard too!

Nothing is ever straight forward is it!

Along with that, because her Dad was here, I didn’t see my Sister and nieces at all on Christmas Day which impacted me more than I expected, after all, they are my ‘happy place’ along with Ivy so it made Christmas feel a bit strange! And then in a good strange way, my Dad really surprised me by not only joining us happily for Christmas Dinner at my brothers but also by being absolutely amazing with the kids! He’s never really shown a big interest in his grandchildren, but since I had Ivy, he’s totally different. He loves her and she loves him too, she’s all smiles for Grumpy Grandad. That in itself was a nice Christmas present.

My other lovely present was Ivy walking Ten steps on Christmas Day! At exactly Eleven months old! What a clever little sausage! She is growing up far too quickly!! It scares me!!

New Year’s Eve came and went, like every other day, no alcohol or partying for me! And until today, Four days into 2019, I haven’t had any alone time to reflect and plan. My New Years resolution is to be kinder to myself, no more saying Yes to things I don’t want to do, no more putting myself down in how I look or how I parent or how I am. In the words of Cinderella’s Mum, ‘have courage and be kind’. And I’m adding on ‘to yourself’ at the end.

I have so much to be happy about and although my anxiety is through the roof lately as I deal with more changes of going back to work in a different role, Ivy starting nursery which so far, she hates and getting back to “normal” on the Ivy’s Dad front, the happy things outweigh it all!

I have a beautiful healthy clever loving little girl, a nice home, wonderful friends and an amazing family, I am starting 2019 looking at the positives and being grateful for each and every one of them!

It hit me today when I went out to lie on my temporary make shift Lockdown roof garden, that I haven’t relaxed for a second since all this Corona Virus stuff hit us!

I’ve been so busy worrying about ‘what’s next’ and ‘how to amuse a bossy impatient Two Year old non stop’ and ‘how to live with my Boyfriend on lockdown without Corona pushing him down the stairs’, that I’ve barely really stopped to think what is going on out there or even to actually try and enjoy this time we’ve been given to press pause on life!

I’ve had ‘relax’ time when Ivy naps or when Rob has her so I can have a break but I’ve just been doing my usual block out life response and sleeping at every chance I get!

Today though, I went outside on my roof garden while Rob took Ivy out for her daily people avoiding walk for exercise, and I spent some time reading and reflecting.

I can’t help but think this is nature’s way of making us all just stop!

And because we are all so wrapped up in our jobs or our kids or our social media, and wired to just go, go, go, and ‘publicly live our best lives’ we are all really struggling to JUST STOP!

Today I spoke to my next door neighbours for the first time, I’ve lived here 6 years and they’ve lived here 10 years and I wouldn’t have even recognised them in the street! How awful is that!? I always thought that where I live in Penarth was a lovely little ‘community’ where people know each other, yet it’s taken a life threatening illness to make me take the time to have a conversation with my neighbour!

I think Covid-19 has separated the nation too, one half of us is taking this seriously, as it is bloody serious and heeding government warnings to stay inside, even though it’s tough, and doing our best to get through this as quickly as we can and resume ‘normality’, or at least a new normality! Whilst others are following some of the rules, but then we see social media pictures of them with their whole family at the beach or park writing messages to ‘stay inside’ for the rest of the world, the rules obviously don’t apply to them though! And then there’s the ‘it doesn’t affect us’ people, lapping up this gorgeous weather with beach bbqs for all their friends or group picnics in their local party parks! Being 19 doesn’t make you immune to Covid-19 sorry folks! And not to forget the older generation who are more at risk but don’t seem to care, I had to take a trip to the doctors last week, and had to ask 4 different elderly people to stay Two meters away from me. You may have lived through worst times but I’m sure your family would like you to live through this too! Just stay safe!!!

I am also enjoying just having time for Ivy, time to just play with her, without worrying about the washing up or other house chores because, well, what’s the rush? I’m loving just being fully there with her, in the moment, dancing round our living room or painting a beautiful mess with her and seeing how much she loves me being so involved in everything we are doing is lush! I’m making myself a promise to not lose that time when life gets back to ‘normal’!

And time with my Boyfriend, he’s staying here whilst we are on lockdown and although there’s been times when I’ve thought ‘one of us isn’t making it out of this alive!’ , in general, I think it’s been strength building for us, I’m so grateful for all the help he gives me with Ivy and we are getting into a good routine that I hope we can continue when this is over!

And of course the positives that I hope everyone comes out of this nightmare with! Realising just how fortunate we are to have our amazing NHS workers and all the other key workers who don’t get much of a mention, like rubbish collectors, grocery shop assistants, postmen, factory workers and many more! We are all busy moaning about what predicament we are personally left in at present, but I for one am grateful that all I have to do is stay home with the people I love and do my full time Mumming job, no ones asking me to risk my life serving other people, I’m safe. Let’s not forget that not every has that luxury.

Anyway, whatever situation you are in during this horrible time, look for the positives and support each other! And remember, we are ALL in this together 💕

Terrible Twos have definitely come early in our house, for us both! In the past month there’s been some good ‘big girl’ changes, some bad ‘big girl’ changes, and some damn right ugly ‘big girl’ changes!!!!

On the brighter end of Change is that Ivy transitioned to sleeping in a bed instead of a cot super easily! She hasn’t once got out of bed or tried to climb the safety gate to freedom ...yet! And her talking is getting better everyday, she’s started counting in the right order instead of just randomly shouting numbers and she proudly told me four different colours the other night at 3am!!! Dreaming of rainbows I guess!!!!

The dark end is the terrible Two tantrums! She literally goes from zero to a hundred in less than a second! Mainly if I tell her she can’t do or have something but sometimes I’m sure it’s just because she feels like being a little cow! It’s so conflicting to want to cuddle your crying child and tell them it’s okay, but also knowing that they have to learn that hitting you in the face or yanking your hair as hard as they can, is just not ok!! I think they’ve been the ugliest of moments, when she purposely hurts me and then laughs in my face, the rage transfers to me and the urge to put her in the bin is strong!!! But that’s where Motherly love comes in to play, knowing that no matter how much you want to scream at your child in that split second, you would never do a thing to hurt them, not ever!!! Thank god for Motherly love or Ivy would be long gone!!!!

She’s also at that age where she’s getting clever... sneaky even! Like if I don’t give in to her then she’ll call for my partner ‘Robbbbb’ or sometimes ‘dadddddyyyyy’ , basically anyone except her evil mother who won’t let her have her own way!!! Thankfully she hasn’t clicked on yet to the fact that all she actually has to do is say ‘mummmyyy’ in her cute little voice and give me a cuddle and kiss and I’m putty in her hands as her affectionate and loving side literally melts me!!!!

Seriously though, the things that she tantrums about.... me giving her water when she asked for water but actually wanted milk! Me putting a rain cover over her pram when it’s pouring with rain! Her having to wear socks on her feet instead of her hands.... it’s bizarre to think what must go on in her little mind, I wonder if she actually thinks I’m really mean to her because she doesn’t understand why things happen??

I’ve never been one to dislike being alone, in fact alone time is something I need!!! So sharing my life with another person , or rather revolving my life around another person, my darling little cling on daughter, was hard for me.

Having been mostly single or in a relationship with someone who was only home at weekends for the last few years, I guess I had become rather selfish. I had gotten used to doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and my free time was never restricted so I could make plenty of plans with friends and family etc. And still have plenty of me me meeeeee time!

I thought I’d kind of got used to sharing my life with another person, and thought I was starting to get quite good at it, when a few months ago I met someone who is a game changer!

I wasn’t really taking dating very seriously, going through phases of thinking I wanted to meet someone, and then phases of being perfectly happy on my own with Ivy.

Then I went on a date, a quick drink as I didn’t have a babysitter for long, expecting it would probably be another first date, the same as the rest, repeating the same ‘first date conversations’ and me not being bothered about having a second date after, but it wasn’t. It was fun and he ‘got me’ and made me not want to leave! It was surprising!!!!

That was a few months ago and it’s been a whirlwind rollercoaster ride since! Not with him, to be fair he’s awesome, and for some reason puts up with my crazy, like the weather personality! But with me, having new emotions is making me a bit Cray cray!!!

I’m not used to sharing my time and space and people with someone else, I don’t even like to share food!!! (Luckily neither does he, so that works!) I’ve had more than a few freak outs when I’m feeling claustrophobic, but he understands and gives me space.

I don’t think I’ve ever had an adult relationship before, you know where you share all your secrets and lies and you talk things over when you’re upset, instead of throwing your toys out of the pram and running away because you’re scared of being hurt! It’s a whole knew world to me!

The space and me time thing is still freaking me out a bit, finding someone else’s socks in my laundry or wanting to go to bed at 8pm but feeling like it would be impolite to kick your guest out or just leave them to watch tv, does still give me the odd wobble, and by wobble I mean, I freak right out!!!