#firsttimemum

Today was a lazy but so eventful.

I laid in bed majority of the day but I felt kicking for the first time. It feels like... popcorn kernels. 1 popcorn kernel popping each kick!

After those kicks, I decided to use the doppler on the area where the baby kicked and... I independently found the heartbeat!!

I was concerned that being + size, it would take a long time to do both but wow, I'm so incredibly happy.

I go for my morphology scan this week! I don't get to find out the gender for 6 more weeks, though! :(

There are going to be times when you are sad in front of your child, which is of course normal but I recently discovered how hard I try to not be upset in front of Ivy and I don’t really know why.

Yesterday I took my cats of Twelve years to Anna’s Rescue Centre, who I must say do an amazing job and really care for the cats they rescue and adopt. It was such a tough decision and One that I’m still not sure was the right decision. I’ve had both my cats since they were born and they’ve been through all my ups and downs with me, when I’ve been lonely they’ve been there for a cuddle, they’ve kept me company through all my sleepless nights and they’ve shown me affection when I’ve needed to know I am loved.

Additionally, I can’t deny that they have hated everyone except me, often thrown up on my carpet, cost me an arm and a leg in food and vet bills, and brought me numerous disgusting ‘gifts’ ranging from massive dragon flies, huge moths to baby birds, mice and even a rat once!

The latter paragraph being where they got their nickname ‘shitcats’ from basically anyone who met them! I loved them though, they were shit but they were mine! However, the level of Shitcats shit behaviour has been so much worse since Ivy came along and I’ve tried for a year, hoping they’d settle but the pissing in her cot and pram continued and crying really loudly outside her door the second I get her to sleep, and I just can’t deal with the stress anymore. I also can’t give them anywhere near the attention and love they want and deserve so I went to Anna’s Rescue centre to re-home them.

Ivy’s Dad took me and was unexpectedly waiting with Ivy and a big hug at the entrance rather than in the car when I came out, I was proper ugly crying, like big sobs and in an attempt to cheer me up and remind me why I had taken them there, he handed me Ivy to cuddle me!

That’s when I realised that I didn’t want her to see me upset, so I fake smiled and kissed her whilst the tears streamed down my face. I don’t really know why, I guess I feel like me being sad would make her sad and I don’t want that.

I remember when my Eldest sister passed away a few years ago and my other Sister said that she hadn’t cried because she couldn’t, she couldn’t break down in front of her kids and I didn’t really understand it until now. You don’t want to inflict pain on the little person/people that you love the most, you don’t want them to feel your sadness, you want them to see how happy they make you and you want to make them smile.

Imaging telling your best friend that you're pregnant. Instead of the happy excited reaction you expected (mainly down to seeing it so much in the media) they respond by saying "No No No No No Oh God No No" or stare blankly with disappointment etched all over their face. That's what happened to me when I told my parents.

'Your parents are your best friends?' I hear you say. Yup. I was bullied from a young age, it left me with an inability to form long lasting friendships, and being unusually close to my parents. Whenever I had a good bit of news, or bad, they were the first people I went too (after my Husband). I spent my 21st Birthday with them and my Mum came on my Hen night and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I love my parents dearly. Not just because I feel like I have too, but in another life I strongly believe we would have been that gang of friends you read about in books growing up.

I know that when I told them I was pregnant I was only 22 (and still am). And that it was a suprise to me, so I can't imagine how they felt. But in that moment it broke my heart. The images in my head of them jumping up and down for joy, crying because they'll be grandparents, attending the scans and buying too many presents for my child that I'll have to tell them to stop spoiling them disappeared in a puff of smoke. I was crushed with disappointment and left to instantly hide my tears as I tried to reassure them that we'll be okay.

My Mum only congratulated me and my partner a few days later when we left to go home. My Dad still hasn't. There's been no congratulations card in the post. They don't like to talk about it or how we are or anything. They say it's best to wait until the 12 weeks scan (which they don't seem to want to come too), and not to get our hopes up about having a baby, but I know in my heart they're just trying to buy themselves some time before they have to deal with it (and are probably secretly hoping it's a big mistake, or it won't work out).

We haven't asked them for anything. For money, for help babysitting or for them to buy us anything. All I wanted was their emotional support. For them to be there with me on this journey, as I am both extremely happy and terrified at the same time. For them to be the excited happy grandparents which I never had growing up.

But right now I've never felt more alone. I feel like there's a block between us. I can't talk about the one thing I want to because they just aren't interested. I just want my best friends back, but right now I've never felt more unwanted.

So I'll leave you with this bit of advice. If anyone ever tells you their special news, be supportive, be understanding, be happy for them and put them first. Because I can guarantee they're going through a lot and need all they help they can get.

10 things you’ll learn as a first time mum

To any of you first time mums out there, I am here to assure you chicken pox is not as scary as it seems!!

Recently we have had the chicken pox in our house hold as baby Theo has just come out in them and I freaked when I first saw them as I had no idea what to do!

DONT PANIC

It’s actually better that he has them now instead of when he’s older so that he won’t be able to scratch

I went to the chemist and bought virasoothe and calamine lotion they are the best things for your baby’s spots to help with the itching and also tepid baths with baking soda make sure you keep their skin nice and moisturised as you don’t want them drying out and give them lots of cuddles and love

It’s massively important not to give them ibuprofen but calpol is perfect okay to give if they have a temperate