life is kinda sucky right now. still. but i’m alive. it’s 2020, i’m turning 21 this year. i’m at a new university, figuring out what i like and want to do; instead of continuing a bachelor i disliked. i’m meeting new people, doing new things, seeing new places. traveling truly solo for the first time next week to see copenhagen. trying to figure out how to stop isolating myself and build a good circle of friends (it’s hard, i’m struggling - even right now, it’s overwhelming), wanting to get healthy. life still sucks, it being a new year didn’t change that at all. but i want to try. i want this year to be different. i want to stop wasting time, stop being afraid of being happy or content, i want to not constantly be disappointed or wonder about what’s if’s’ when looking back on a year. i want to not always drown in the negativity i bestow onto myself. it seems like i’m so incredibly afraid of admitting to myself that something is fine or that i feel okay because it seems like such a surreal concept to me about myself. i’m afraid. all the time. i still feel bad on days, i don’t think that will ever go away. i think (sometimes, occasionally) i have gotten better at dealing with it. i’ve grown. in some ways, i dislike, but dare i admit, in a lot of ways that are good too. there’s so much i still need to be different, that i need to make different, that i need to change or fix. that’s something i want to do and hope i can. i do not want to let 2020 be another wasted year. i’m tired of that. i want to take more risks, be less self conscious, waste less times because of what ifs or doubts and worries. there’s a lot of things i did in 2019 that are good but yet it feels so immensely like a shit year. i want and need that to be different and the only person who can majorly influence that is me. i still hate my life too often, i still struggle with my head, think i don’t want to be alive too often for it to be healthy, still hate being trans and the struggles that come with it. i still feel afraid, lonely, self conscious, worries, anxious. but i know i can feel content and hopeful. and i want to chase that more. a friend that i met at university, who graduated this semester - way too soon, i’ll miss her, told me that she reminds herself when she feels shitty of her friends (“if i was such a shit person, why’d all these cool people like me?”). that she values herself through that and that she considers me one of those friends. it’s for those moments that i think “ah yeah”. when people tell me they think i’m a genuinely nice person and i think “ah yeah”. that’s why i stay. i want to find more purpose. i want to feel more alive. it’s like i’ve been missing that feeling for a while. i don’t think i’ll find it realistically anywhere but inside myself, but my skin itches to try and run around the world anyway, to reach it. i need to stop doubting myself so much. i need to stop thinking people hate me and that i’m annoying all the time. i’m worthy to have friends and be loved even when i never feel that way. i’m still so fucking lost. it’s agonizing. but i need to try? i need to stop fucking isolating myself! and start fucking living without holding myself back. just reply to people, they like you, you idiot! go back to therapy, go to the gym, write again, start dating again, stop procrastinating literally everything in your entire life - it’s time! don’t be an idle person any longer. i do not want to waste 2020 and i’m going to try. i feel sick and sometimes hopeful at the same time, it’s incredibly weird. it’s time