You're in a vein and I can't kick it

so the book im reading is like. this dude who got sexually assaulted regularly at boarding school as a kid by 5 people organises a buck's party where he plans to kill them all. but it's not told by that guy. it's told by a dude who literally got invited at the last minute.

anyway halfway through you find out last-minute guy literally raped a child on the beach. and theres a whole section where hes like "i immediately realised what id done and tried to drown myself. i swam across the whole bay trying to drown myself and then realised the water was too shallow so i tried to smash my head out on the rocks. some people found me the next day and took me to hospital but i didnt let them treat me. i walked 12 miles in the sun back to the hotel to find the girl and tell her mum. people in cars stopped for me but i didnt let them help me bc i deserved punishment."

he throws away his entire life and quits his career and goes home. THERES LITERALLY A LINE THAT SAYS "A kind of healing took place in the time i spent at home." HEALING FROM WHAT BITCH?? YOU DID THE HURTING??

And the blurb describes this guy with "he could never imagine the horror that awaits. or the beauty" implying he's okay with this guy killing people and obvs i was initially interested in that but now im like FUCK OFF. KILL THIS GUY TOO HE ALSO DESERVES TO DIE!!