I’m obsessed with my 19 year old coworker. I was telling him about how my crashout divorced dad got a sugar mommy by going to random churches and having screaming sobbing breakdowns in the pews until a random rich christian widow was like ‘I can fix him’. And he went ‘yo thats tech. The meta is changing.’

I DONT CARE HOW MANY BEDS THERE WERE. WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT

(tearfully) w- working at the mattress store

i'm so fucking sorry. can you ever forgive me

My dream date is getting cute desserts and coffee in the morning then right after blindfolding you and taking you into the Scientology building where we undergo incredibly useless personality tests and learn the joys and wonders of Xenu

i was jumanji’d too when i was a kid but no one cared

i was also zathura’d. i got both jumanji’d and zathura’d. Statistical impossibility but sad and true