Killer Queen

spiders have got to figure out contracting I need to be able to call my local spiders union and be like "hey can you send a guy out for a few days the fruit flies are back" and then pay it in spider currency. I'll learn the conversion rates. I'll be generous with my rounding. please.

This shit always cracked me up because was the lightening necessary???

She’s storm not fucking moderate rain

periods are medieval honestly. like sorry I got suicidal last night turns out I had too much blood in me. yeah no some of it fell out and I'm fine now.

im the prettiest canary in this mine

what the fuck is that smell

a girlfriend is just a weighted blanket that bites you

why’d my husband just send me a photo from his work christmas party being like “yeah we have a magician here rn.” what goes on in the corporate world

okay but saying “i wish i had known you sooner” — like the love in my heart is growing so big and fast for you that i wish i had the opportunity to have you way earlier by my side, because i want to love you longer than i can do now. my love for you reaches my past and makes a place for you.

animals are so right about nuzzling your face into things

thinking about how milk jugs are so perfectly designed; not a bit of wasted space. the handle is part of the container as well and you can clearly see how much of the liquid is left. genius. im thinking of eating the mushroom growing in my frontyard whole. if even one person is nice to me today i will kiss them on the lips

i'm like a werewolf but instead of turning into a wolf on the night of the full moon i dont do that and i just stay human