wizard of physical attacks

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

ladies… has anyone ever told you it’s okay to be feminine 🩷 i’m sure no one has ever ever ever reinforced this deeply held secret, that’s it’s okay for you to be feminine. 🩷 i know the world totally tries to tell you that you have to be manly and masculine and grow your body hair and eat as much as you want and get strong and stand up for yourself and make waves and take up space and show your bare face and show your anger. but it’s okay to do the exact opposite actually. 🩷 it’s okay to shrink yourself down to the exact same mold every other woman is expected to conform to. 🩷 did you know that it’s okay to be feminine. 🩷 did you know it’s okay to be feminine. 🩷 did you know it’s okay to be feminine. 🩷 has anyone ever told you it’s okay to be feminine. 🩷 will you be feminine. 🩷 will you be feminine. 🩷 will you be feminine. 🩷 will you just be feminine already. 🩷🩷🩷

Actually I've decided this is a poem

good music should beat the shit out of you

divorcebearing hips

If you miss your swing on the christian baby does the catcher like. throw the baby back to the pitcher

uhm that wasn't a magical girl transformation you just said "it's time to go puppy mode" and hit the bong like 8 times

uuuuh okay update on the crush discourse going on in my notes: if a friend has a crush on you and they do tell you they're unfairly pressuring you to reciprocate but if they don't tell you they're being dishonest with you so either way they've ruined the friendship. every day the most anxious minds on earth make amazing philosophical strides on this website.

i always see “tag fav fruit” posts but i’ve never seen a fav veg post so rb & tag your favourite vegetable

Look, I get what you're saying, but sometimes you've gotta reach for the low-hanging fruit. Let's get you a proper meal, refill your meds, and unfuck your living space as best we're able; if after that you still want cute girls to kill you with axes, you'll be in a much better physical and mental place to pursue that goal.