Ladies, I have once again escaped from federal prison

“don’t take it personally” how would you like me to take it then? professionally? romantically? academically?

being in your early 20s is crazy bc there’s people who are literally married and people who’ve never even dated and people who are trapped in their childhood bedrooms waiting to get out and people who are trying to live out romanticized dream lives and people who are completely on their own and people with multi tiered support systems and we’re all supposedly peers and none of us think we’re doing it right at all

Back when I was a redditor (😔) I realized a strange phenomenon. No one cares about your original posts, but if you make the post on another site and screenshot it, people assume it’s a tweet from someone who is known/is funny/etc and the post would do way better

do you want to play dead bodies with me

floats along your dash face down and quiet and cold

[Image description: Drawing of a neon tetra asking "Do you want to play dead bodies with me" and getting a thumbs up. The neon tetra and a grey Tumblr anon float face down in the water. End description.]

Sleeping poorly is so embarrassing... sorry im grumpy I stayed up past my bedtime. Like a toddler

category of blorbo called "technically i like them but fanons obsession with them to the exclusion of other characters pavloved me into having a negative reaction whenever i see them"

cosmo, wanda, i want you to spawn a piece of radioactive plutonium in that person's stomach

How fine is the line on can’t kill anybody? Because that will kill someone, it just wouldn’t be, like, immediately.

Iirc I heard in one episode, he tried to use a wish to kill a pop star that pissed him off, but because of the book of rules, the absolute worst thing he could do to intentionally wish harm on someone was for him to take too long to find a parking spot.

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

Me, watching you go balls deep into William The Free-Use Slut because your long-distance open relationship girlfriend just walked in and you don't want her finding out that you already got that dick piercing that she specifically told you not to get: Hmm. Interesting use of Free Will.

Moi, te regardant t'enfoncer jusqu'à la garde dans William, célibataire et arbitre de football, parce que ta petite amie en relation ouverte longue distance vient d'entrer et tu ne veux pas qu'elle découvre que tu t'es déjà fait ce piercing à la bite qu'elle t'a spécifiquement dit de ne pas faire : Hmm. Usage intéressant du Libre Arbitre.

Comment "The Free-Use Slut" devient "célibataire et arbitre de football"?

Does anyone know what to do about the temperature and also the prices

(no beers in) So how do you perceive me in the privacy of your thoughts

there are at least three houses in new orleans