Sally Bowers

“I can’t date,” sighed Kara, flopping down on the sofa beside Sally.  “I’m not genetically set up for it.”

“Yeahhh,” Sally nodded emphatically, arching her brows.  “Normally I’d try to encourage you, but on this particular matter I think I need to agree…for the sake of all mankind.”  The corners of Sally’s lips quirked upwards hopefully, praying as she always did that she could make her friend laugh.  Kara shot Sally a half-amused gaze and nudged her shoulder.  “Ok,” resumed Sally.  “What happened?”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Your love life is like a trainwreck,” responded Sally, shrugging helplessly.  “I can’t look away.”

“Well,” Kara bit her lip.  “Me and Kevin…were in the shower together…”

“Oh, God…”

“And it was really steamy-”

“Literally, I bet.  Showers are like that,” commented Sally, dryly.

“Yeah…anyway…I tripped…”

“I’m so nervous right now, Kara.  So nervous.  Go on.”

“I ended up slicing open my leg with a razor that fell on the floor with me…”

“Oh my God!”

Kara rested her head on the back of the couch.  “I was lying there naked, literally bleeding, and he says, ‘I’m not feeling it,’ and then…he broke up with me.  I went to the hospital, got stitches…alone.”

Sally gaped.  Even for Kara’s horrific dating stories, that was a bad one.  Jumping up, Sally grabbed her purse.  “First thing’s first.  Your leg…You’re ok?” she asked.

“Fine,” responded Kara, folding her arms over her chest.

“Ok, then, get up.  I’m taking you to his place.  No, no, no!  Hear me out!  We’re gonna egg his car, teepee his house…and then we’re gonna get some massive, super girly drinks at the bar and we’re gonna dance till we fall down.  You in?”

“So, this lunch thing with your mum tomorrow … there wasn’t very much thought put into this whole thing, was there?” He asked, taking a seat up on her desk, absentmindedly tossing her stress ball back and forth between his hands, “I mean, there’s the obvious question: how on earth did someone like you get someone like me to go out with you? I was thinking, perhaps, I’ve just come out of a como or maybe I was stranded on a desert island and you were the first girl I’ve seen in ten years or something? Your thoughts on this? I just, really think we need to make this believable, you know? Can’t have your mum suspecting anything.“ 

He scratched his forehead, “Also, how long have we been dating? How did we meet? And where are we in the relationship? Obviously, we’re having sex. I know you wouldn’t be able to resist all of this,” He said, gesturing to himself, “You probably live at my place most of the time. I can only assume that you live in an apartment that’s filled with empty pizza boxes and too many cats.” He paused, “Should I make it a point to stress how rich I am? That way your mum will know that, at least, you will be taken care of financially if we are married and then divorced. Is there going to be a marriage, by the way? Give the old girl something to live for? That isn’t exactly what I signed up for, but … I’ve never been married. Not even fake married, so … what the hell. I’m game if you are, love,” He winked. 

He was having more fun with this than he thought he would. Ward Eastwood was someone who was always up for anything. As someone who had the world at his fingertips, there was rarely anything he couldn’t do; nothing he couldn’t buy. So when an opportunity came round where he could try something new, he wasn’t going to say no. And pretending to be someone’s fake boyfriend wasn’t something he’d done before.There was also the added bonus of being able to try to get a rise out of Sally, and knowing that she would have to put up with him. 

“Here comes trouble,” she greeted, wryly, placing the card back on the desk.  It seemed she’d have to send it another time.  Her grin drooped slightly when he mentioned the lunch and she rubbed between her eyebrows.  Sally would deny it, of course, any chance she might get, but she was nervous about the whole affair.  Lying to a dying woman seemed pretty low, little less her own mother.  But it was for her mother’s own good, right?  Besides, she’d been lying for quite awhile now about her imaginary boyfriend...it simply seemed more likely that she’d get found out now.

When John had brought their mom in to see Sally’s work, she’d been startled and even more so when her mom, seeing Ward, had asked if this was her boyfriend.  She’d been even more surprised when the first thing out of Sally’s mouth was, ‘yes.’  Ward had displayed a tremendous amount of grace in going along with it, but one short chance encounter was completely different from this complete luncheon meeting.  As Ward asked if she’d put much thought into the lunch, Sally winced and answered ruefully: “Oh, believe me, I’ve thought about it.”  Dropping her hands, she came around to lean on her desk beside him.  His point still stood and, despite everything, she found herself laughing about it.  “This is going to be such a disaster, isn’t it?”

Rolling her neck to look at him, Sally narrowed her eyes before straightening.  “Oh, I made you some flashcards,” she said, suddenly.  On second thought, that notion had probably been ill-conceived, seeing as Ward didn’t strike her as a studier, but she went back around the desk to dig them out of the drawers, anyway.  For good measure, she decided to tell him what was on the cards.  

“So, we met through Nick, which should be easy to remember,” she added, drolly.  “Our first date was two months ago, I think,” she added, shuffling through the cards.  “Yeah, here’s the date,” she said, presenting him with the card in question.  “We went to Valerie’s.  Ummm, so basically any time I didn’t want to go to something lame, we had a date,” she continued, grinning.  “You haven’t been able to meet mom before now, though, due to your busy schedule of philanthropic work.”

As he said, ‘all of this,’ Sally smirked.  He wasn’t wrong, really.  If they were dating she would most definitely be hitting that, but one thing Ward didn’t need was anyone fanning his ego so, instead, she said, “Please,” and moved on.  Sally gaped at Ward in horror.  “Hey!  You can never have too many cats!”  That was definitely hyperbole, but Sally was indeed a cat lover.  At her apartment there lived two cats and two humans and that struck Sally as exactly enough.  Sally often told Birdie that they worked to support their cats’ lifestyles, but it was honestly worth every penny.  

Chuckling when he asked about his wealth, Sally shrugged.  “Oh, trust me.  She already knows.  When she asked how I’d met you, I said through Nick because...if we’re being honest that’s the only way I meet people and so mom instantly said, ‘Oh, honey, is he rich?’”  She laughed.  “I made you rich.  But I don’t actually know anything about all that,” she added.  “So I panicked and made you a snail farmer?  Yeah...I’m sorry and good luck, honestly.  I have no idea what a snail tycoon would do, but on the bright side, I guarantee you neither does mom.  I just remember phrases like, ‘There’s a lot of money in snails.’”  She shook her head, ruefully.

Coming to stand in front of him, again, Sally handed him the cards she still doubted he’d ever read and frowned.  “Oh boy.  Well, we’ve only been dating two months since, you know, I made you up two months ago, so...you haven’t said anything yet, but I’m sure mom will starting hinting about that soon,” she added, unable to stop herself from rolling her eyes.  “I’ll keep you posted on that front, but I’m really glad to hear you’re committed to this relationship,” she added, wryly.

Laughing, Sally sat down beside him, “Ummm, yeah, I think we need a relationship name, honestly,” she responded.  The thought amused her, and she’d been joking, but she realized it would also - strangely enough - probably be practical, as her mother would definitely be searching social media to scope things out.  “Honey, I am a celebrity in the high-tech security executive assistant world,” she teased.  “I think it’s clear we have to have one.”  She smirked when he gave her the options.  “Oh my God, why do our names sound like a bad sitcom when mashed together?  Ok, I’m more of feeling Easters.  I think it sets the right tone of religious awe that we clearly inspire,” she added, sardonically.  

ahhh sally and birdie AKA sadie :D yeah? i have a head canon that birdie has a hard time sleeping at night so she gets in bed with sal-bear and then all is well in the world. once a month or every two months or something, birdie also changes their furniture around/paints things new colors because this is her only way of dealing with ~emotions. so sally knows birdie is not doing well if birdie is changing their living environment. sally is probs the only person in the last five years who has ever maybe seen birdie cry or let on that life is not as perky as she likes everyone to believe (like so). ps birdie to sally

ANNIE THIS IS LITERALLY THE CUTEST THING EVER I LOVE IT SO MUCH HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE????? <3333

Birdie bb <33333  And you know Sally just pulls the covers back for her to get in and honestly Sally doesn’t deal well, either, w emotions which I think would make her intensely understanding about how Birdie ~deals and make her v apt to like sit down w her and chat w her however she needs or help her move the furniture, if that’s what she needs, and just meet her where she is and be there for her <333333333

Those gifs, though!!!!!  Exactly them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And Sally just coming in and putting her arm around her and letting her cry and being there for her is exactly how it would go too <33333333  Sally is v much there for ppl if they wanna talk and there for them if they don’t she totally gets it either way and she’s super protective and just wants to help out and be there for her, honestly <33333

I know Annie swings by and makes Will do things and I can see Sally sometimes coming with her and dragging Owen out, too, maybe????  Possibly all four together, possibly separately hahahah  I can def see Sally making fun of people with him and I also feel like Sally is totally cool with not have a bf, but she isn’t cool with not being able to do ~couple things when she wants to, like that episode(s) of HIMYM about Marshall and brunch, so she probs knows some guys that she bribes into doing things with her, or something?  Not in a romantic way or anything, but just a friendly hang out thing if that makes sense????  “I want to pay you to have a good time!…Oh, God, that sounded so much worse out loud.  Not, not sex or anything…I’m bad at this.  Can I start over?”  No, but if he’d agree without pay, that’d be better, but she’s sooooooo not above bribing him, either hahahah

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Owen liking ppl by accident is my happy place tbh

OMGGGGG SALLY DRAGGING OWEN TO THINGS!!!!! Like literally he would be like DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY OTHER MALE FRIENDS I CANNOT POSSIBLY BE THE BEST PERSON YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR THIS. And he’d keep telling her no but then he’d probably show up at her place like “ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY ARE YOU READY ARE WE DOING THIS THING OR NOT? THE SOONER WE LEAVE THE SOONER IT’S OVER.” And Sally like ?!??!? (altho by now she probably knows that “no” means “yeS” with Owen) 

AHAHAHAHAH her awkwardly trying to pay him. He’d be like “no, keep it. i just was able to convince my bro that i’m not a male prostitute and i don’t want rumors to start up again.” ;DDD

I CANT BE THE BEST PERSON she’s probs teasing like ‘oh pls someone needs to show you a good time selznick’ SHOWS UP AND ASKS WHY SHE’S NOT READY omg she def yells all excited and runs upstairs to put something on and smdh also THE SOONER WE LEAVE THE SOONER ITS OVER 

I JUST CONVINCED WILL IM NOT A MALE PROSTITUTE sally’s probs like ‘im not gonna touch that line w a ten foot pole’ but ends up asking anyway later bc she’s curious whY someone would think that of the most anti-social person she knows smdh ‘your clientele must really value their privacy.  i never see you w anyone extra your brothers and also drew?????’ ~sally probably

I mean, atp she def is over it and she and Alan are actually friends etc etc but yeah back in the day she was ~secretly broken up about it hahahaha

No but they’re not really Sally’s scene, either?  I mean, I feel like she may be ~more comfortable with them than Colin, but I also feel like that may not be saying much???  Hahahahah  She mostly goes to laugh at ppl and prank jerks and jump in/throw ppl in the pool????????  I just???????  Tbh it’s mostly a statement of solidarity with Nick (not to mention trying to keep ppl from COMPLETELY destroying his house) and so yeah she probs does spend alot of her time with Colin/Nick.  Also she would def pick a fight with/defend them from anyone who’s being rude to them and ngl that may be more harm than good but her heart’s absolutely in the right place.  She also makes up fanciful stories about Nick to see just how much ppl will believe and I can def see her plotting things out with Colin.  “You’re a writer.  How many victims should he have trapped in his basement?  Since, you know, he’s a serial killer this time…”

hahahahaha oh Colin <333333  Tbh, tho, that’s probs true of alot of ppl like ppl who know her pr well (except Annie #awkward) probs know but short of that she doesn’t show any emotion v obvly except laughter soooo??????

HAHAHAH that is def not saying much tbh. He’s like there talking to Lex (and guys like him tbh) about like star wars (probs goes on a rant about the awesomeness of kit fisto and other minor characters #majornerdalert) while they are drunk and ??? (he wonders why he gets shoved into the pool???) 

HAHAHAHA omg tho Colin would def get into coming up with wild stories with her but tbh he’s a horrible liar and if he was ever supposed to help her spread the stories he’d start sweating a lot and wouldn’t be able to keep eye contact and would def get the stories mixed up and it’d be a disaster tbh (he’s def a more behind the scenes kinda guy she doesn’t want him out front helping with this 

TALKING TO LEX ETC ALKDSJFKLJDSKLJFAKLJ drunk!Lex be like “hey someone get Luke Solo here a drink” and has no idea he messed up the reference i cRY #facepalm  he def has no clue who kit fisto is hahahah he’s probs just ??????? the whole time until colin says ‘star wars’ and he’s like ohhhhhh yeah ive heard of that smdh yes i think lex may be one of those ppl who has never seen star wars somehow (i feel like it wasn’t really on kitty’s ‘approved viewing’ list hahahaha)

adslfjlkjklJFKLADJSKFKLDSJKLFJK ok but sally at least once def filmed colin telling a tall tale about nick to some really drunk/high person and like the whole video is him sweating and sally giggling basically but she def snapchatted that to like everyone #facepalm  But omg you know they have the best time coming up with increasingly ridiculous backstories for him ‘you know he got his fortune from robbing the graves of ancient pharoahs, right?’ ‘nick is secretly king of prussia’ ‘nick once wrestled a crocadile when he was growing up on the amazon and he now wears a suit made entirely from its skin when he’s at board meetings’ ;DDDDD

suggesting “kill them” as punishment for an extremely disproportionate crime  (”he stole my eraser” “kill him”)

staring at an object that has fallen over for a prolonged amount of time and with inordinate disappointment

*points at a garbage can* “that’s me”

zooming really far into someone’s face on snapchat

*something minorly inconveniencing happens* “@god what did I ever do to you”

“what are you doing” “my best”

shortening words that are already shorter versions of other words (ex: thank, congrat, welc)