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Don't call out my dad....he a legend

american recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked

chinese recipes, as handed down from mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. you want to know the exact amount? feel it in your heart. ask the stars. yell into the void. 

English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that’s it enjoy

Greek recipes: You followed all the right steps but this isn’t quite right. I don’t know what to tell you.

Australia recipes: chuck it on the barbie

Latinx recipes: you will never make it better than your abuela, face the facts

Filipino recipes: add rice and soy sauce and some more rice MORE RICE MORE RICE MORE

Serbian Recipes: everything is salad. Ajvar? Salad. A single whole hot pepper covered in oil? Salad. Cabbage? Salad. Kajmak? Salad.

Lebanese recipes: If you don’t have at least 3 family members cooking this dinner with you than you aren’t doing it right.

Canadian recipes: Well part of the directions are in metric but you have imperial measuring cups. I hope you like math because we’re going to find out how many gallons in a litre and how many millimetres are in a cup.

Swedish recipes: Assemble all the beige items you have in your kitchen. Great. now add raw red onions, dill and salt and white pepper. if u prefer it blander, don’t do the last things. consider serving it with jam

Norwegian recipes: listen after three days skiing uphill you will eat anything so stop complaining.

Indian recipes: spend two weeks digging the required spices out of your cupboards. Chop onions until you cry. Fry onions with spices until evey pore in your body is open, let the fragrance seep into your skin, become one with the curry.

german recipes: this meal isn’t what you think it is. it has 164 different names in different regions. it’s either made of potatoes, served with potatoes, or it’s cake. there’s a 50% chance it’s actually austrian, but don’t tell anyone.

belarusian recipes: “cook over a slow fire until done”. how many degrees is a slow fire? when is “done”? what am i even cooking there’s no picture and the only ingredients are honey and cornflower

turkish recipes: “if you do this, there’s really -REALLY- good change that you’ll die because everything is too spicy or too sweet but here we go”

romanian recipes: if you don’t already know the ingredients and directions by heart then what are we doing here

Brazilian recipes: make an extra sweet (preferably with chocolate) version of other culture’s food (sushis, hot dogs, pizzas, kibes, sfeehas, spaghetti made of chocolate; strawberry sashimis, banana burritos…)

American South recipes: put a stick of butter in it.  Oh, you already put butter in? Well, bless your heart honey, but go ahead and put another stick of butter in there.

Polish Recipes: potato? Potato.

Lithuanian Recipes : You’ll need mushrooms from THIS EXACT forest , and good luck knowing what spices you need because every version of this recipe is different ,you’ll either cook it too long or too little and it won’t taste the way you remember it from childhood ADD MORE MUSHROOMS FROM THE ROOTS OF THE TWELFTH TREE IN THIS FOREST

Croatian recipes: add vegeta. did you put some vegeta? i need you to put some vegeta there

Hungarian recipes: add more paprika and/or sour cream. More. More. MORE. And if you mention that you find it too greasy/spicy, you’re disrespecting our ancestors back to Attila the Hun.

Danish cooking: listen, if you’re not gonna make some sort of gravy, or at least a sauce, then what is the point really?

Korean Recipes: Get out of the kitchen and let your grandmother cook for you. KEEP YOUR AUNT OUT OF THE KITCHEN, or else she’ll try to cook. And your aunt can’t cook. Ah, child, sit in the giant kimchi making bowl. No, you may not use it as a kiddie pool, even if it’s big enough to be such. Son! Dinner’s ready. Side dish, side dish, side dish, side dish, side dish, side dish. Kimchi. Main dish. Rice. Soup. See husband, this is why we got the feasting table even though you and I live alone.

Dutch recipes: Did you put everything in the pot? Cool, now simmer it and smash it. What do you mean it’s not supposed to be smashed. It is. Smash it.

Finnish recipes: constantly poke the mince meat. Do not let it touch the frying pan.

English recipes (more accurate) : whatever mate just get a meal deal at Tesco