Hello Everyone, my name is Furi. I strongly suspect I have NPD.
Hey, I'm Adonis, The Other Mod™, I also strongly suspect NPD and will be getting tested at some point. Also I use he/it/bnu pronouns with a preference for he/him pronouns currently :)
Welcome to NPD Confessions!
This is a safe space for any person with NPD or NPD allies (for lack of a better term) to come and find community and support.
Asks we are willing to answer:
Questions about the disorders (E.g. asking about symptoms/how the disorders work)
Vents about having the disorders
Questions about how best to support a narcissist in any given scenario
Achievements and celebratory stuff
Asks we are not willing to answer:
Requests for diagnoses. (e.g. asking me if you have npd/aspd)
Vents/disparaging comments about narcs/antisocials that you know/have encountered. This INCLUDES family.
Anything regarding "narc/sociopathic abuse."
Any sort of discourse-oriented asks. If it's not related to NPD or ASPD in some way, it doesn't belong here.
Asks that describe or mention other Tumblr blogs and their behaviour, even vaguely. If you do want to shit talk somebody in my inbox, don't make it obvious that they're on the platform
Please be aware that I am not a professional. I am someone who has a long standing interest in psychology and has had some minor experiences/education with mental health services as a part of my education/teaching qualifications. -Furi
I'm not a professional either, but I do a ton of research and have been around NPD spaces for a while. I am working on becoming a psychologist though (even then, I won't be your psychologist so still can't diagnose or anything). -Adonis
Anons will always be on, but we may block users who repeatedly send inappropriate or hateful asks.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
One of my fellow pwNPD mutuals occasionally reblogs my anonymous posts from here without knowing we’re also mutuals and it makes me feel very amazing and cool and relatable and likable and interesting. If they see this and (somehow) know who I am: hi you’re cool you do cool posts I’m glad you relate to my unfiltered ramblings here
I have to be away from my one friend who appreciates me!!! Grrr I took the constant praise for granted all these other fools don't even care how am I supposed to talk to people who don't even agree with every single thing I say
i wish i could block reactions from my messages on discord they mean absolutely nothing to me. you either say nothing to me (WHICH YOU"RE JUST FUCKING DOING WITH EXTRA STEPS) or you actually say something in response especially in response to things i make , you say you like it or you say fucking nothing at all. getting those fucking reactions make me more angry than getting nothing in response utter fucking bullshit . just say you like it or just continue to ignore me fucking christ
genuine question: why do you spam post your inbox all at once instead of queuing it?
Cause the feeling in my chest won't go away if I cue and I'll obsessively check until it's all posted or end up just needing to post it. Plus I'll also repeatedly check over and over to make sure it actually posted and didn't just like disappear into the aether. It'll eat away at me all day making me unable to do anything else because I'll be obsessively checking it until it posts and even then by then the feeling won't go away until I probably do some other bullshit ritual.
Why do you feel the need to question how I run my blog? It's always been like this even under the previous owner.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I have rarely (or maybe not at all) seen pwNPD talking about being in love. I have noticed a pattern about a lot of them mentioning being aro/ace or aroace. Some are talking about their partner but not about how it feels to love them when having NPD. (Ofc I haven't seen every post, so I prob missed it)
So my question is how does it feel like loving your partner? More specific I am trying to explore the phenomens of pop psychology associating specific relationship patterns like love bombing to npd (for me it seems more like "a bpd thing" bc of the de/valuation cycles)
Maybe a little bit of backround: I have adhd and fixate on people and came to the conclusion it could be perceived as love bombing. I don't do it consciously or try to be manipulative, just doing what feels good to me.
So my second question is, what internal processes in npd are which manifest in a pattern of love bombing?
If you aren't alloromantic, I would be interested in your thoughts about this topic :)
I am gonna forewarn I do have mentions of sexual intimacy (though not like any explicit details or something moreso just how it ties into things) as it is a very important part of attraction and relationships to me.
Okay so for the first question some context:
I fluctuate on the asexuality spectrum, sometimes I'm completely repulsed, other times I'm indifferent, other times I'm very much the opposite to a near extreme degree to the point of sometimes getting into risky situations (though I've learned to minimize this mostly), and sometimes I experience sexual attraction but I don't want to. More often than not I'm experiencing probably an average to above average attraction and need and not on either ends of the extreme. For me at least regardless where I am on a given day, sexual intimacy is one of if not the most crucial aspects of a relationship for me, it is make or break.
I very much fall under like a very specific subtype of demiromantic (and nonhuman attraction that will be expanded on in the next section) that has a few main requirements. One is that they're not a prior friend, I meet them as a love interest or like maybe after a meeting or two, then they need to be the one to ask me out, then be in a confirmed relationship and only then will I feel romantic attraction soon after the establishment and it's 50/50 if it stays that way or not. Physical intimacy (including sexual) is also incredibly important, if they're not willing to reciprocate that, my attraction dries up faster than the Sahara. Do I know why this is? No, not at all. It's just a thing that exists.
Or the other option is a sexual relationship that turns into something deeper (or at least that's my guess), regardless intense intimacy is required right off the bat. I don't fully understand how my romantic attraction actually works, these are just guesses and hypotheses from the few relationships I've had.
Now the actual answer to the first question:
For my rare times I love, it feels very much like a pull or urge in my chest to be loyal, want to do things, service, fix issues for them, etc. I don't see them as below me if I do truly love them, they're on par or even above me in many ways and are very much an equal person. Though the initial honeymoon phase can also feel pretty strong in wanting to be around them, wanting to give gifts, etc. but that can still fade incredibly quickly. It feels kinda all consuming if I'm gonna be honest, they're on my mind all the time, I'm fantasizing a lot about them, I just want to be near them all the time to the point of like idk, I want them to be a part of me. But the fear of abandonment usually keeps people far away from that point in the first place. I've been in 3 relationships in my life, one for multiple years, one for like a month, and the other for like idk 8 months. The one that lasted multiple years was heavy on sexual intimacy that the other two just were not at all. It kept me engaged, she had a lot of issues I wanted to help fix, she was interesting. I felt unwavering loyalty to her that didn't exist or last for the other two. Obviously there's a reason we broke up, she fucked me up so badly and I'm still dealing with the fallout. But it lasted a long time.
Another way I think I could put it is it's almost akin to how a dog loves an owner. I don't really feel love in a traditional sense, I feel very much connected to dogs in the way of feeling almost akin to one. I experience nonhuman secondary and tertiary attractions more than romance in the traditional sense. It's very complicated for me, but that's the simple version of it.
Idealization and devaluation for me isn't always very obvious overtly. Though in the 8 month relationship in specific I felt like I was love bombing, constantly talking, complimenting, giving gifts and advice, making big future plans (like marriage and living together), hanging out all the time. I wanted to be physically and sexually intimate, but trauma and circumstances made us both unable to initiate, I felt like that needy dog again, I needed to be near him, I needed things from him he was unable to provide, I felt like I was begging for scraps with my tail wagging pathetically. So I started pulling away, stopped talking to him as much, I got extremely bored, everything felt the same and monotonous. He was also poly, I'm not really, so my jealousy would flare until it just got exhausting and burned out contributing to my boredom. Also he had really bad mental health issues which also just badly affected mine, it was basically two unstable people bouncing off each other and I could only take so much. To be clear, he and I are still friends, we go to concerts, hang out, sleep at each other's houses still, he's not a bad guy, none of the things I said here reflect necessarily on him, it's just my perception of the relationship and what I think happened within me, not anything he did in particular.
The multi year relationship on the other hand I was idealizing her for years, we were sexually intimate often and constantly interesting. She kept me on my toes. I felt like a needy dog constantly seeking her attention, her love, her time, I would text her all hours of the day to the point she got annoyed with me a couple times, I would fantasize constantly, I needed her like I needed oxygen. But towards the end some shit happened which caused a really really bad dissociative episode in me and it completely made me lose all interest in her almost overnight. I was done with her, I was tired and bored and feeling the aftereffects of the abuse and trauma she inflicted on me. I became incredibly disillusioned.
The month or two relationship I barely remember much about other than I got broken up with cause I was a complete dickhead and it was middle school so like eh. I don't really remember much at all about it nor do I care to try to remember to analyze the very short period. There was that sense of needing constant attention and affection still from what I can recall, same with wanting sexual intimacy (though it never happened lol, we were still very young). But when I was broken up with I kinda just shrugged it off and didn't feel upset about it at all and he rightfully distanced from me until we lost contact.
Tldr; love for me is really messy, has a lot of requirements and differences from normal people. Romantic love isn't really experienced the same way in my mind, it's all consuming, following my every waking moment, but in the way like how a dog constantly wants to be with their owner. I'll feel an unwavering loyalty, I'll want to do things for them, care for their opinions, they're equal or above me. I get butterflies around them, I want to be physically and sexually intimate often as that's a way I show love and it keeps my interest. I do have specific terms for my attraction however this section is getting very long lol.
Now for the second question:
I'm gonna be honest I'm not 100% sure there's a universal answer as it's very subjective. I assume for many it's a deep rooted fear of abandonment mixed with the ego and thoughts of "well if this person who I actually want around me or want something from me leaves, then what am I?" Along with the general thoughts and fears of loss, reputation damage, etc. those fears and thoughts can manifest harmfully in needing people to feel indebted, make them really like us off the bat, make them dependant, etc. so they're less likely to leave later.
There's an idealization of the person too, like a shiny new interesting toy that you want to play with so you make sure to take care. But once a newer, shiner toy comes along or the original toy gets dull, well, you care less for it and need to discard it. I know it's probably not super great to compare people to toys, but it's the best analogy I can make.
I'm sure a decent amount of things I've done could be perceived as love bombing (and if it's perceived that way it may as well be regardless of my intentions), in part due to fixations on people, but also a fear of abandonment. If I make someone love me strong enough, if I show them I'm worth it, show them that they're the only one worthy of my loyalty and love, then they're more likely to stay in my brain. I need to make them dependant on me so they won't leave. It's obviously not all that true, I can pour as much affection into someone as possible and they may still leave. And that's honestly a reality I don't like thinking about, like at all. If I value someone enough to actually love them, then they're not allowed to leave me until I'm bored. They're a shiny new toy and they better entertain me for all the work and care I put in initially and if it's not reciprocated or done how I want, they become dull and I don't want to play with them anymore. It's hypocritical, it's something I'm actively working on, but it is how my brain personally processes things as it stands.
All that said, I don't condone manipulation of partners, I know the majority of the time it's unintentional, we're not these evil masterminds that people try to portray us as. There are deep rooted issues for why that need to be worked on and for those who do self reflect, checking yourself to make sure you're not unintentionally love bombing or continuing the idealization and devaluation cycle is important for trying to self improvement.
having NPD and trying to have relationships with other people fucking sucks. everything feels like a competition, whether i'm aware of it or not. except when i'm not aware of the "this is a competition", it hits even harder when i suddenly slam into the brick wall of "this is a competition and i lost" because i didn't even consider that losing was an option. it's even worse when i'm actively trying not to let it affect my relationships with other people. especially people who i just met!
a person who didn't have NPD would be happy for them. i know that it is unfair of me to be angry, so i played at being happy for them and took my anger elsewhere. good! it would have been wrong of me to take my anger out on them.
except, now i am stuck in a crash with no comfort, nothing to help me get out of it, while watching them be completely oblivious to how i'm feeling (which is my fault). and there are a few different voices:
(1) i need comfort. they have shown in the past that they have at least some sort of positive feelings for me, so they might be willing to provide it if i explain and grovel and etc and maybe i'll feel better.
(2) i need comfort. i should ask them to comfort me, because it's their fault i'm feeling this way in the first place, fuck their little party and celebration and joy and whimsical bullshit. they're probably well aware of how i'm feeling and are showing off just to make me Feel Bad anyway!
(3) i can't ask for comfort, that would make me look weak and pathetic and needy. i can't be those things, that's beneath me, and would also give them ammo to hurt me in the future.
(4) i can't ask for comfort, i made this bed, now i must lie in it. it's my fault for not communicating in the first place, ergo, i deserve to suffer for fucking up. you reap what you sow or however that saying goes.
(5) i can't ask for comfort, i shouldn't even be feeling this way; it would be wrong of me to demand they comfort me over something so unreasonable. it's not like they even know i'm having these kinds of feelings, i haven't told them and i have been expressly trying not to let them know.
(6) i can't ask for comfort, if i tell them i'm feeling this way, they would probably hate me for killing the joyous mood and being a party pooper and whatever else, and it would prove i'm a Bad Friend and i'd lose them instantly. also (knowing me) i would never attempt making connection like this ever again if this happened because of the overwhelming shame.
that is two voices in favor of asking for comfort, and four against. i am far enough along in "recovery" (egh) to know that options 2 and 3 are... Bad, shall i say, but i am not far along enough to know which of the remaining four is the correct way to go.
and every minute i waste on trying to decipher what to do just makes it harder and harder to do anything at all lol.
i probably won't say anything and keep pretending things are normal and just hope to whatever deity might exist that they don't catch on and figure out "hey something's weird and fucked up with M" because idk if i can hide it under actual scrutiny. and if they learn that i've been purposefully hiding it, the reaction could easily be even worse! lol. i am screwed.
(i tried... so hard to act like a Functioning Person Who Doesn't Have NPD because i wanted so bad for them to like me. i mean they technically should know i have NPD because i mentioned it when we met but i don't know if they, like, understand what that means in practice, and i was and am determined to ensure that i don't let my NPD make me do shit that ruins the relationships i have built with them. which is precisely the problem because now i have no idea what to do)
(god i miss having a ChP who was obsessed with me and was willing to give me supply. granted, my former ChP was abusive and made me incredibly insecure in my ability to have a real relationship with anyone else because she convinced me she was the only person who could ever love me because i was either too broken or too good (depending on her mood) for anyone else, but damn what i wouldn't give for someone close to me to tell me i'm perfect and the best and etc right now. why must this shit be so complicated?)
I prefer to make handmade gifts rather than buy them because I want to remind myself how good I am at making stuff, and not waste money on other people, money I could use to buy something for myself
i split really badly on a group of people because a close friend who's part of the group stopped fucking talking to me when i genuinely did nothing (literally the reason she stopped talking to me is that she broke up with another friend) and im so frustrated because i logically know it's not the whole group's fault she's a shitty person but i can't help the pit and my stomach and the anger i feel (idk if this is my bpd or npd but wtvr)
I told an irl friend I have npd today. She said she also suspects it. Her reasoning were "I have no empathy and I hurt people on purpose when I'm mad". Insanity. I told her about social hierarchy, feeling better or worse than other people and the core feature being fear of shame and she was surprised. She didn't know any of that. FUCK YOUUUU!!!!! That made me SO upset.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
i kind of want to reach out to my ex for the plot. like i don't really care about them nor want them back i just think it would be interesting and i need more drama in my life. not sure if i'm like this because of my npd (and aspd) or if i'm just weird
Some of my friends are starting to pay less attention to me and it’s really frustrating. I should be their focus all the time but they always have other more important shit to do than feed my ego unfortunately.
Oh also now that the school year has started up again I have to face the fact that I’m horrible at school. I’m a senior and goddamn it why are so many of my freshmen acquaintances the fucking “gifted” kids?? It makes me feel so inadequate to be the senior falling behind already, and now other people have to be good at stuff near me? Horrible. 0/10 rated experience.
Nothibg I have or do is impressive compared to anyone around me. My friends have had jobs and are applying for colleges and are in the advanced classes and can drive and I’m just. Nothing. I’m asked about my plans for the future and it’s no longer the whole “what do you want to be when you grow up?” that kids get, it’s a painful fucking reminder that I won’t amount to anything and in a few months itll be even more glaringly obvious that I’m a fraud
I spent HOURS on an artfight attack for someone in a server im in and then someone else sent THEIR attack right after i sent mine, and the person I attacked didnt even specially acknowledge my artwork! She just sent in a ton of "yayyyyy" emojis and nothing else! I don't want to be grouped in with the other person, i clearly put so much more effort into my art compared to their low quality coloured sketch! They didn't comment on my attack on the site either! She probably liked it but it felt like she didn't because she didn't reply directly to my artwork with her praise. So then i ended up fully hating that piece despite thinking it's my best work just a minute ago and considered disappearing off the internet forever because i felt so fucking horrible.
This was a while ago and im still pissed at this person she always acts passive aggressive like shes better than me or something. im suspecting npd,, seems highly likely but not 100% sure yet :P is this sorta thing what they call a narc crash cuz i dont think ive ever felt like one of my fully rendered high effort artworks (and myself by extension) was totally worthless before..
i’m questioning npd and every time i look up symptoms and so on, one that is always highlighted is a need to have other people’s attention and other people to acknowledge your greatness and superiority but i don’t feel that at all. who the fuck are they to determine how great i am? they don’t know me, their internal frameworks and value systems are so different from mine and under close inspection false so why should i care about how well i am measured according to faulty parameters? frankly i view near everyone i come across as moronic and short-sighted and they can’t comprehend me so indict care for their judgement at all. as long as i within my internal framework can appear Perfect in the way i interpret Perfection to be i am good.
and also in order to attain external praise and validation you must present yourself in a certain way which will almost always get you labelled as selfish and attention-seeking and i suppose when i was younger i did do that until i realised that those things are typically viewed as bad character traits and now i am overly humble when interacting with other people or telling them of my achievements even if its only for them to congratulate me in a more genuine way and to be admired for my humility (<- based off real experience).
but tbh i don’t want to label myself as npd without a diagnosis (which i’ll never get due to aforementioned staged humility) because it being a „disorder“ implies there is something wrong and i am not wrong i simply approach myself and other people with an abnormal framework, and for any normal person it would just be a healthy ego but for me since i haven’t exactly had a normal life it must be Bad and Wrong because god forbid someone that was (probably) abused doesn’t parade around as a pitiful pathetic creature in desperate need of „help“
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I always put in a basic amount of listening when people talk, engaging with the topic, and being curious about them, but so many of them take that as a reason to talk My head off, instead of giving Me that back. What the fuck. It's the bare minimum!
Questioning NPD confession: I frequently daydream about getting diagnosed, and being able to tell other people about my diagnosis in some way- both to take pride in the fact I was correct and also because being diagnosed would validate the thought that I'm special/intrinsically different from other people, etc . . .
