Strange Jewels

i know that you will never care about me as much as i do you, so why do i still care anyway?

i seem to have forgotten...i was never one for emotions but when i reach out for you, i drown in a relentless sea of them.

you will never like me the way i wanted you to. and i said i'd settle for friendship. but really, what do i hope to get out of this friendship?

i will never matter to you. i mean nothing to you. not even an offhand thought. why do i keep gathering crumbs when i know i shouldn't do this to myself?

i'm not blinded by some misplaced hope. i'm not holding out for some chance that maybe, one day, you'd see me.

so why do i still let the thought of you bother me?

you're not even the man i imagine you to be. you were once half a friend, if we ever were; now, you're a fading acquaintance. soon, you'd be a stranger and eventually, we'd completely forget.

or maybe you would. but would i?

i keep starting all over again, starting from somewhere, but when will it end?

are these layers that would one day harden me until i become numb?

And I mean it. Perhaps you don’t understand the weight of that statement, or its depth, but you do. You matter to me and I’m certain I would have loved you. But I won’t be given that chance, as I never have had before. Never before. Never again. And never since.

But still you matter to me. I desire for you to be happy, to realize the goals and dreams you have told me. I sincerely wish I could love you, be the one for you, but it won’t come to pass.

You matter to me, even when I know I don’t matter the same way to you. Not a choice, not even an option. No longer a casual acquaintance but not even quite a friend—maybe not ever.