"Close Personal Friend Mr. Drugs" has had me roaring with laughter for the last few minutes.
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸

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@northpenguin
"Close Personal Friend Mr. Drugs" has had me roaring with laughter for the last few minutes.

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if you're ever beating yourself up for 'missing the obvious hints' that someone is romantically interested in you, know this: i once met a guy who asked out a girl after she sent him nude pictures of herself in the bath and she said she wasn't interested. it is never obvious
fascinating things happening here
the lesbian groper has a plan of action she wants you to hear out
the lesbian grouper has a tropical or subtropical body of water (likely near a coral reef) she wants you to get in
so she can groupe me??
those other guys are just roleplaying. i'm a real freak. i don't trust tapwater. i'm inbred. smoking me out is like trying to smoke out a warehouse. i get drunk off of 2 beers. i'm scared of Walmart. ever had real freak before? you will immediately feel the difference. the ride is smoother, the controls are more responsive. you've been driving shopping carts until now. are you in the right headspace to hear some shit like "batter up!" before you get fucked? i'm 5 foot 6. i don't have insurance. i'm trying to move to your state before we even enter the talking phase. i'll get a passport to fuck. you think you can have it all with a genuine freak? have it writ upon thy meagre grave. i escaped from a lab where scientists work round the clock creating artificial life- genetically bioengineered to drive your pussy insane. ready for a real freak? once you've seen the stroke you can never go back. my ears ring 24/7. all i do is train. spending a night with me is like spending a night doing the super mario 64 speedrun stair glitch. send me an email.

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obviously, everybody who signs up for dr. banner's class whispers about the hulk. but these are also science nerds—this generation grew up with pictures of him in their high school science labs. half of his students fan over the hulk, but the other half fan over the legendary dr. banner.
still, syllabus week devolves into a hulk q&a.
don't worry, he accounted for that in his lesson plan.
by week three, joking about the hulk becomes cliche. the kids start coming for bruce's bad jokes.
bruce's rate-my-professor score is pretty inaccurate. 30% are hulk fanboys, 30% are avengers haters, and 30% are bots. but that slim 10% in the middle have helpful reviews. "tons of classroom discussion. don't do the readings, he says everything in the lectures. but for the love of god start your papers early, you're going to have to talk through the prompts in office hours. they're so niche."
he runs a background check on every one of his TAs—paranoid that they're trying to get close to him for nefarious reasons. in a few instances, he's been right. but for the most part, they're just bright, passionate nerds. bruce is a nervous mentor. his TAs would all die for him.
there's always one student who comes up to bruce during office hours quiet. nervous. asking advice about "a friend of theirs" who got powers. bruce always plays along. but then he slides them the number of a superpower support group. you know. for "their friend."
his classes always have a wait list.
(almost) none of his students believe he just "snapped." the rest of the student body, maybe. but not them.
in the mental hospital, when he gets the first "get well soon" cards from them, he cries.
the problem with tumblr spells is all of you lil sluts are casting and not giving it time to charge so you're all casting cantrips and not 9th level death spells. everyone wants to be the one to take them down no one wants to be the one who assists
we're going to try again witha little but minimal casting
IT will happen in August of 2026. like to charge and reblog to cast but cast sparingly
Wait stop. everyone +like now and spread it a little but cast on the same day in August. lets try August 6th or something.
CAST NOW
How I ended up coming out to my mom.
She was supportive.
"isekai'd into my favourite book series" story from the perspective of a very confused author who's rereading their draft and finding there's an entire new character they don't remember writing.
Rb to jerk off prev

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Ive said this before but swear the biggest skill to learn as an adult is how to resist high-pressure sales tactics. You do NOT have to answer questions with anything other than "Sorry I'm not interested." No matter how nice they are or no matter how many follow up questions they ask or even how agitated they get when you stand your ground. Just keep saying I'm not interested. Don't answer their questions. Don't give them an opening to try to push back on your reasons. Be a fucking brick wall of I'm not interested.
When we bought our car, I told Sean to let me handle it. I walked in and said "We have X for a down payment and cannot pay more than Y in monthly payments." My Y number had some leeway, but I didn't mention that.
First thing the sales guy did after I laid down the rules was turn to Sean and go, "What's your number?" And Sean said. "Oh, no, you negotiate with Gayle."
So, strike one for the sales guy. Could not divide and conquer us by implying THE MAN would not surprised at what I laid down.
Sales guy then had to confer with his manager and left us at his desk for several minutes. I have a vague recollection (this was 16 years ago) of Sean and I amusing ourselves doing bits about the other people there to look at cars. I am sure we did not give off the stressed or nervous energy they were hoping for.
Guy comes back. His first offer is fifty dollars a month more than I told him we could pay. I looked at him and said "I gave you our upper limit."
"Well, but what's another 50 bucks a month?"
"Something I can't afford."
He didn't know what to do with my open and unashamed admittal that I had a budget because my money was finite.
He went back to talk to the manager again.
It took two more rounds of "I told you what I can afford" before he finally came back 20 bucks under what I'd stated as my max.
The trick to resisting high-stress sales tactics is doing the math at home, knowing exactly what you can afford, and then walking into the room and stating that number minus 15%. Then refusing to budge from that number. Never, ever, meet then where they want. Always meet them where you want. Because at the end of the day, you can walk away and go somewhere else and say "I told the people at Z what my terms were, and they refused to work with me. Here are my terms. Meet them, and you make a sale today."
Another thing as well is to be mindful of psychological tricks that make you like the product. The first time i realised this was at jewelry stores. They ALWAYS want you to try shit on. Even shit you think is ugly or out of price range. Because once its on we like it more. We have more attachment. It WORKS. Say no. Make sure you stop anyone you're with from saying yes too! They pick on women for this in jewelers.
Also, having been in sales. They often first present you with the most expensive item first. Then they match to what you need. Because if you say "i need a $200 mattress" and they take you to the $1000 you're probably gonna say no. But some say yes so its worth it. And maybe you'll go "wow $1000? I guess i underestimated matresses. The $400 isnt that expensive now in comparison".
Dont. Fall. For. It.
Watch for whatever they WANT YOU TO DO and insist on WHAT YOU ASKED FOR
my most Millennial trait is that i want big screen to think properly. to compose my thoughts. app exists for your thing but no website? bad bad bad not good for think, need big screen for think. i wrote this post on the small screen btw
I read somewhere that one thing that really pisses off companies about Millennials is that we won't make big purchases on our phones, we always feel compelled to get out a laptop or hop on a desktop for it
Big Internet is for Big Thing. Can't do Big Thing with smol internet. Is not good. Big Money? Big Decision? Need Big Internet.
smol internet is for silly things. smol internet is for smol things.
Also, I need to see all the tabs I've got open to compare. It's just common sense.
“my bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over the sea,”
are we talking about the same body of water here, which is weird, or different bodies of water, which is even weirder
this makes more sense if you assume both are the same body of water but the time between the statements is about 50 million years
you’re right, that’s significantly less weird
toasthaste said: maybe there’s more than one bonnie
blocked
A hypothesized geography.
i bless the bonnie over africa
The bonnie is in geosychronous orbit, thus over all the Earth’s bodies of water
the bonnie is merely moving very fast, perhaps at hypersonic velocity, relative to the singer
my bonnie lies over the ocean
my bonnie’s exceeding mach 3
[image description: image of an Aardvark with grey, yellow and white in the background. Text says “Parents say they just want you to be happy and get married” at the top and “Oxymoron” at the bottom.]
Here’s an old aro meme from 2011, which was before the rise of the “Ace Discourse” around 2015 (which may have started out as backlash in response to The Trevor Project deciding to include asexual people around that time). This meme format uses an aardvark to represent aromantic people. At the time, axolotls were often used in similar memes to represent asexuals, so the aromantic aardvark was chosen as the aromantic equivalent of the asexual axolotl. Aardvarks were considered to be somewhat of a mascot for the aromantic community for some time, though they have become less popular as a symbol in recent years.
This reads like a museum guide showing one of the most prestigious pieces in an exhibit

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if you set off a rube goldberg type death trap to kill someone, if it's a long enough machine, it ceases to become your fault if somebody dies at the end. that's how I've gotten away with it all these years, and why I'm still going to heaven.
(via @yellowocaballero)