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Rindo Kanade, 22. Pronouns he/hem/her/hi/him/hir/hy/hym/hyr. Endelic fableing, fictive host. Holothere. Form list link. Transmasc genderfaunet girlboy. Abrosexual polyamorous, and taken x6. Permanently 16 in system. Pop culture pagan, sometimes I veil. Social anarchist. Spoonie, but I prefer to call them spell slots. Cripplepunk, mad pride. Part of both a spiritual median subsystem and a larger polyfrag DID system, so posts may be infrequent or sporadic.

Rindo’s polyform list!

I am a pshifter, and a holothere. These are not kintypes.

Therioforms:

American crow, maned wolf, cross fox

Neo/TWEWY:

Reaper, Fallen Angel, Decadraven, Phoenix Cantus, Progfox, Cornix Canor

Kingdom Hearts:

Heartless, Darkness, Nobody, Nothingness, Nightmare Dream Eater, Special Necho Cat

Update: Fractured my fucking foot lmao. Fuck my life. But, more on topic, I did work it out with my friend. She said she was being a total asshole on accident, and she has corrected her mistakes on my species. She felt really bad. She’s a human, not a were at all, so I understand why she automatically pointed and went “human looking, must be a human.” Her partner in our system is a human, so she just got used to seeing our false body and associating it with humanity. Shrug. No point in holding a grudge if she’s being species affirming, whether she actually believes that I’m a shifter or not.

“Yeah, I felt really upset, you know? Because when I put candy in my pocket it melted, and that’s, like… eugh, what? Like a warm human? I’m dead, you know? Weird.“

“Oh, that makes sense. I mean, yeah, of course your body is human. I mean, maybe not when you’re fronting, but different headmates, you know… it’s still human, haha.”

“I mean, I guess it’s human sometimes, when I’m not shapeshifting, at least.”

“Mmm… [long pause] Yeah, the body is a human, so… Makes sense.”

This is two interactions between me and my human singlet best friend. I feel sick, like I’m going to pass out. I can’t stop shaking. She lied to me, that she knew I was nonhuman. I thought she understood, she said she understood, I explained it to her in plain terms, we are biologically nonhuman, she said that she understood. She thinks I’m making a metaphor. She thinks I’m talking about spiritual beliefs. I TOLD her “when a nonhuman is fronting, we are biologically their species. It’s sometimes human shaped on the outside, but it’s not actually human. Even alterhumans are sometimes like ‘your body is human though,’ NO IT’S NOT, it literally is not, I don’t know why you can’t see the nonhuman features.” That is the exact text message, and she had a huge pause for like an hour, and then responded with “Yeah, I understand, I kinda figured it worked like that.” I’m so heartbroken and hurt and I’m physically ill, I feel like I’m withdrawaling off medication or something. My paws are tingling. I couldn’t figure out why this wave of sickness washed over me in the moment, because I just stopped processing the conversation, but I was walking home, and I just… she doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m making it up. I really, really thought she was one of the good ones. I’ve been really struggling with my fear and rage towards the human race, and people, and I don’t know if I can mentally gymnastics my way out of hating her. I’m going to try and talk to her about it, maybe I’ll have Axel do it, so I don’t get too upset. I really thought she was a kind, understanding human. I thought she saw me, really saw me, even if she couldn’t see my transformations with her eyes. I’m fucking devastated. I might cancel my date with my nekofriend today, I don’t know if I can do this. I’m so emotionally crushed.

New cane! From Goodwill! It’s got a handsome green pattern on it, and it’s super adjustable so I can wear whatever shoes I want, or walk digitigrade. We got a bunch of them yesterday, I’m so glad I remembered and bought one. It’s not brand new, because there’s cigarette residue all over it, but the rubber tip is barely used, and there’s not much shock at all when I walk with it. I’m very happy about this.

Currently actively losing my fucking mind. I am going clinical. Losing my goddamn marbles. I can never remember anything. My experiences and memories are this fucking hellish carnival corn maze. The calm has passed and now I’m switching and flipping and fading. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want to be, I don’t know why I did things. OSDD1a is ruining my fucking undeath. I don’t even know what “who Rindo is” means. I’m not anything, I’m just fucking flailing and warping and nothing is ever concrete or stable. This keeps happening, over and over and over and over. I have a comfortable few facets. I round myself out. Everything fades, and I can’t control my perception of myself, and I can’t hold on to any of my facets. And then I’m no one in particular, this depersonalized blob, and then I fade into a facet or two, and then I have a strong personality again for a few weeks. And then it fucking keeps looping, over and over, and I’m bashing my fucking head against the floor, who am I, what am I, what are my goals, how do I present myself. And I never remember anything in between my facets, it’s just this blank space with a few hazy shapes, so there’s not even anything for me to hold onto even if I could control my perception of myself. I’m not one being, I’m not multiple beings, I’m not a hivemind, I’m not even a being at all most of the fucking time. I don’t know how to make it stop. Just let me be someone, let me be still. I just want it to stop.