inferno

A woman who writes feels too much, those trances and portents! As if cycles and children and islands weren't enough; as if mourners and gossips and vegetables were never enough. She thinks she can warn the stars. A writer is essentially a spy. Dear love, I am that girl. A man who writes knows too much,such spells and fetiches! As if erections and congresses and products weren't enough; as if machines and galleons and wars were never enough. With used furniture he makes a tree. A writer is essentially a crook. Dear love, you are that man. Never loving ourselves, hating even our shoes and our hats,we love each other, precious, precious.

uh, this is gonna be long, so, get ready.

i was listening to an episode of I Weigh with Jameela Jamil podcast, the one with the Matt McGorry and all the things they said made me want to start something.

Warning: The rest of the post will contain my experiences and comments about body issues, smoking, binge eating, anxiety, depression etc Plus im no expert, only dumping my experiences and thoughts on somethings as i know them.

I live in Turkey and starting tomorrow, we’re gonna be in a country-wide quarantine till 17th May. For this time period, i’ve already made some plans to improve myself like trying to meditate more, catch up with my german lessons or maybe finish my astrology course kinda things. While i was listening to the podcast, i realized how afraid i am of gaining weight during this time period because that’s exactly what happened last year and i really lost my self-esteem.

I was always kinda chubby, carrying my belly to everywhere ever since i can remember but never cared about it because i never felt connected with my body, like it was nothing but a vessel for my mind and soul. Around 2016, i have started to develop a sense of body like what kind of colors or clothes suits me more, how does it make me feel when im complimented about the way i talk or act etc. Before that, i never felt like i was beautiful, likable, charismatic or even symphatetic. Some of the reasons were like: because i was raised by a religious family to believe that body was a gift from God that we should be grateful for and use it to worship in return. Another reason was my mother, she didnt let me build a sense of image for myself, i was only allowed to internalize her way of seeing things in material world. Sometimes as a joke, sometimes as a warning, she reminded me that i was not “behaving like a girly girl would behave: talking less and softly, sitting up straight, smiling rather than laughing loudly” blah blah. In addition to all these, now i can see that some childhood and early-youth traumas have affected me and made me cut the chord between my body and my being as a whole too. With those realizations, new perspectives and thinking, i reconnected with my body. I was still relatively careless about the way i look but more aware of the body standards in general and my position.

Of course slowly losing weight may be triggered it since i became more active in my first year of university, taking minimum ten thousand steps aaannd smokiiinng nearly everyday. The first time i smoke was when i was in high school. I was depressed and being bullied in school so i went to the hospital to start therapy but because of some bureaucratic bullshit, i couldnt see the therapist and feeling hopeless, i decided to hurt myself in a way that i can feel a little bit on the other side of the pain: “the cool side”. After that it was only occasionally, one or two cigarettes when im out with a friend who smokes. Time passed by, i had my heart and my mind broken, started to smoke more, lost my appetite, fed myself with tea and coffee only because i never felt hungry and became skinnier. In my last year of university, adding to my anxiety attacks, i was smoking four packs a day. Everyday. And i was the thinnest i have ever been in my life, still had my belly tho. But, oh man it was bad, now that im skinnier, im much aware of my body in a comparing-myself-to-the-society’s-standards kinda way. Plus, i didnt have the amount of energy or muscle to walk or hike or do some yoga for an hour like i used to. That resulted a resentment against my body and habits that is so toxic, i started to lose control. When i look back to the last two years, i can observe that eating is not about feeding and nurturing my body for me anymore. It’s a way of taking control back that i have so little when it comes to my life. I eat to fill the emptiness that hurts me so bad that makes me sabotage my own life. I eat to distract myself from my anxiety and loneliness because i cant stand uncertainty and i become paralised when i feel like im left alone, unloved and unseen. I eat so i can numb my brain in the sea of dopamine which leads to addictive behavior and more anxiety about not knowing how to stop. It’s a fucking trap.

Anyways, like i said: i want to use this time of quarantine to be a better version of myself. I’m aware that these issues can only be solved in time and great effort and i need to change my way of thinking about myself and lots of other things which can be one of the hardest things a person could do with all those conditioning. I put no pressure, no restriction since i know that pressure and restriction are the reasons in the beginning that brought me here. I really want to stop smoking (i achieved quitting for 45 days last year, i regret it so much that i started again.), heal my relationship with food and my body and myself in general. Im seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depression, keeping a food journal in the last two months to keep a record on my eating and i will go on. I’ll try to practice body acceptance (not body positivity because it’s my body and im allowed to not like my double chin or scars in my body when it’s a distraction from the main message in a photo as long as it’s not at the level of deleting the picture because the view of them makes me feel obsessively disgusted and sad) I will try to eat thinking its effect on my mind and soul, not on my physical apperance. I will try to practice yoga and other physical activities to gain endurance and a more stable state of mind, not to see a “more acceptable reflection” in the mirror. I will try to connect with my higher and true self while finding new ways to understand and integrate my shadow.

This is a pretty sloppy and long post. But i wanted to share these and i want to share the journey ahead. So, i want to thank you beforehand. If you want to get in touch to talk or share about these topics, dont hesitate to contact!

today, i got my photos from my analog camera and some of them really fucked up but others.... oh my.. OH MY!

feeling kinda better 

i tried acting like im chosen by the goddess herself to avenge everything that’s been done to me. 

i tried partying. lots of bars and alcohol. faces blurred.

i tried therapy and good friends. antidepressants ended up in the toilet bowl.

i tried shutting the fuck up and faking it. 

i tried speaking up and owning it. 

i tried going for a walk and thinking about never return. 

i tried building a life thousands of kilometers away, it sure as hell didnt work. 

i tried to negotiate, i tried to fight for it, i tried to die for it. 

what’s left?